RSS Feed

feelings

I said in a recent blog post that Candied Jansen and I planned to get married in November.  That was the plan.  That is no longer the plan.  Things have been so stressful around here that it didn’t feel like the right time to get married.  Lately my job has really stressed me out to the point that there are moments that I can’t imagine continuing to teach after this year.  The thought of me not having a defined career path stressed Candied Jansen out.  I get it.  She is a planner.  She has a plan for her future as far as money and saving goes.  Me not having a job doesn’t really fit well with that plan.  My unhappiness at school has filtered into our home life and I haven’t been very happy or encouraging at home either.  My depression or frustration or stress wasn’t how she wanted to start a marriage.  It made sense to me.  We are still very much in love and plan to get married, but we both want it to be a happy occasion…not something we do at a particular time because we said we were going to do it.  It does make me sad that we’ve postponed it, because I am 100% sure that Candied Jansen is my perfect match but I do want it to be a happy, joyful thing.  Also, it makes sense, financially, for us to wait until 2016 to get married as well.  My house hasn’t sold despite being on the market since mid-July and that financial burden has been an added stress!  Being able to file as single instead of married on my taxes will help ease that burden some.

It’s crazy I think.  I am with the person I am meant to be with and crying all the time.  I should be so happy that I’ve found her and I am, but still I cry.  It drives me insane how easily the tears come!  I love her so much.  I am so thankful for her.

Feelings

I have been told that when I write, I share more of myself than I do when I am face to face with someone.  I know it’s true.  I think that in person, I don’t want to burden people with how I feel.  I guess I think they have better things to do than deal with me and my deep thoughts.  Candied Jansen wants to know more.  Wants to go deep.  I appreciate that, but I’ve found that I am not very good at it because there haven’t been very many people in my life who were good at going deep with me.  Most of my friends laid their problems and issues and memories, both good and bad, at my feet and I was the listener.   I could name people and places that were important to them.  I remembered their high school mascot, their basketball number, and their piano teacher’s name from grade school.  I knew how they felt about things and themselves…their strengths and weaknesses. Since I didn’t feel like anyone had that type of interest in me or my thoughts, I didn’t share them.  When I had to let things out, I wrote.   Drama and stress were/are two of my muses I guess.  Happiness and sadness are both muses as well.  For some reason lately I haven’t been listening to my muses.  I guess a better way to say it is that I’ve talked myself out of feeling things.  I read blogs and news and play silly games to relax and distract myself from feeling I think.  While relaxing is fine, that other part…not feeling…that’s probably not such a good idea.

Oh, and just because I know people will wonder, I am still madly in love with Candied Jansen.  I am so excited about our future together.  I could go on and on about how amazing she is, but I feel like I’ve said it all here, and I know I’ll say it all again whenever the mood strikes.  I’m not talking about my feelings as they relate to her.  It’s all those other things I have feelings about that I bottle up.

My family.  There’s a can of worms that I keep the lid shut tight on most of the time.  Lately, I have stressed over several events that involve my family.  First of all, Candied Jansen and I plan to get married soon.  I haven’t said a word to anyone in my family other than my own children.  I know they won’t approve so I don’t want to open myself up to disapproving remarks or looks.  So I stay quiet.  That would have been an easy thing to keep a lid on, except for another somewhat spur of the moment event that is coming up.  My almost 20 year old son is also getting married.  He and his girlfriend have been dating for a couple of years and are ready to take that next step.  They are in college together and are not the type to need to sew any wild oats.  He wants to be a preacher and she is majoring in biblical studies.  Candied Jansen and I both approve of the marriage even though they are young.  Anyway…they are having a small wedding and inviting family and a few friends.  They both want Candied Jansen to be there which thrills me.  It also causes me a little anxiety because my family hasn’t met Candied Jansen nor have they shown any interest in meeting her.  My mom has actually said that she is praying that my relationship with Candied Jansen doesn’t work out.  But it’s MY son’s wedding and HE has invited her.  She plans to be there and I am so glad.  Her not going would only communicate that my family’s feelings are the most important thing and since it is about my son and his bride, not my family, we will be there to support them.  I will just be somewhat anxious about it until it’s all over.

Another family event that caused a little stress was my adoption day.  If you’ve read my blog, you know the day my parents got me way back when was October 27th.  My dad always calls me or texts me to tell me he loves me.  Lately, he hasn’t been calling me at all.  He answers texts if I text him.  He answers the phone when I call, but he isn’t the one reaching out.  I worried that October 27th would come and go without a call or text from him.  It happened back in 2011 when they found out I was dating someone.  I was sure it would happen again.  I knew that I would spend the day wondering if they were going to call or text but that any feelings about not being called would happen after I was home from work, thankfully.  I got to work around 7am and I got the text at 7:40am.  Of course I burst into tears because I truly didn’t think I would hear from them.  I was able to get myself together without causing too much worry from my students.  I told them they were happy tears…that I had gotten some good news.

I really should come here more often.  It’s therapeutic.

Family Matters

Yesterday, Candied Jansen’s mom called several times asking a questions about our preferences for a honeymoon.  We started referring to her as the wedding planner which made me smile.  I absolutely love that Candied Jansen has a family that has been so welcoming to me.  My own family is not supportive of my relationship with Candied Jansen or the fact that I am gay.  They have vacillated from not having anything to do with me to including me in family events.  The current status is talking on the phone about once a month and texting if necessary, but not necessarily fostering a relationship.  I get it.  I’m ok with their choices most of the time.  But it has made me even more thankful for Candied Jansen’s family.  While I’m sure it wouldn’t be their first choice…her being gay…they have been ok with it, and they have embraced me.  I am so thankful for that.  I’ve stayed overnight at their place on the way out of town.  I’ve spent Christmas with them and even received gifts.  I have been truly made to feel a part of their family.  And now they are gifting us a honeymoon.  That almost brings me to tears.

Neither of the last two girls I dated had family they associated with other than their own children.  Parents and siblings had either passed away or had abandoned them or they them some time before we started dating.  The few interactions I knew of were quite hostile.  As far as extended family – aunts, uncles, cousins – went, I’d heard about some of them, but they never actually visited them while we were dating so I had no relationship with anyone other than the girlfriend.  It was so odd to me that there were family members out there that they had no desire to have a relationship with…brothers and sisters who were so distant that addresses and working phone numbers weren’t known.  It seemed so strange, but I didn’t really question why.  It just was what it was.

I can see know how easy it is to lose track of people.  My own siblings are my Facebook friends, but we have very little in the way of a relationship at this point in my life.  We do comment on Facebook posts and text occasionally, but I only see them at holidays which is a shame considering we live in the same area.  They share more life with each other than they do me, but I don’t blame that entirely on me being gay.  I lived in another country for 7 years which put a bit of distance between us.  Moving back and coming out just added to the distance that was already there.  I hope and pray that my family never loses track of each other.  Thankfully social media is around to help keep everyone in the loop somewhat.

I love this relationship I’m in.  I love Candied Jansen.  I hope that one day my family will embrace her the way hers has me.

The Cure

Candied Jansen and I moved in together at the beginning of July, and it has been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride ever since.  SO many things have happened that have pretty much stressed us the heck out!  We are paying rent and the mortgage on my house.  It’s been on the market since the end of July, but has barely seen any activity.  It is definitely a financial burden we weren’t expecting to last quite this long!

We also have stressed some over eating habits.  She is a much healthier eater than I am, and having junk food in the house is very stressful for her.  She wants to protect herself and her son from the temptation, and I totally get it.  I have tried to do better, and I have definitely made some positive changes, but it is still the number one thing that causes issues.  Since I am borderline diabetic, she worries about what I eat which I mostly appreciate.  I do love that we are eating healthier meals and planning together.  It is just a big change for me to not bake or cook some of the old standby recipes on a regular basis.  Tonight I used flour for the first time in 2 months in a healthier version of beef stroganoff which was quite yummy!  It is one of those things that we are working through as we go along.  I have no doubts that we will learn to merge our eating lives together in a way that satisfies both of us.

Another stressor has been school.  I was off all summer, of course, and starting back to school wiped me out!  It does it every year, but I seem to forget that until I’m in the midst of the exhaustion.  I would come home from work and not want to cook or even eat some of the time.  I was basically a lump on the bed anytime Candied Jansen and I were together those first 4 weeks of school.  Last week was the first week that I didn’t feel that extreme exhaustion when school was out.  I’m so glad that stage has passed.

I think we’ve both done a lot of soul searching over the last two months.  I still have absolutely no doubt that she is my perfect match.  We’ve just been trying to figure out how we fit together in the same house.  We are both strong, independent women, and figuring out how to share a house with each other is still a work in progress.  I don’t mind.  I think good, strong relationships take work.  Thankfully, Candied Jansen feels the same way.

Some exciting news is that we plan to get married!  We learned of the Supreme Court’s decision granting gay marriage rights in all states on a day we were together in the new house.  It was nice being with each other at that moment.  We anticipated that event happening back in April and went to one of my favorite jewelry stores to see if they had or could make us rings.  I thought we were just looking, but when they said they could make them, Candied Jansen was ready to commit!  I LOVE that about her! We picked up our original rings a couple of weeks later and LOVE them!  We knew then that we were probably going to wait until November to get married because it worked the best with our schedule.  So that’s the plan!  I can’t wait to put those rings on our fingers!

And speaking of getting married…Candied Jansen told her mother and stepfather about our plans.  They were excited for us and want to give us a honeymoon.  We hadn’t planned to take a big trip because we have the trip to Turkey planned for the spring, but we did plan to do something close to home.  Now we are getting a bit more of a honeymoon than we planned thanks to her family.

It all reminds me of that song by The Cure…Friday, I’m in Love.  Because no matter how frustrating the days can be, whether from exhaustion or the burden of finances or food…I’m madly in love with her!  And that’s the way I like it!!

Friday I’m In Love
By The Cure
I don’t care if Monday’s blue
Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too
Thursday I don’t care about you
It’s Friday I’m in love
Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn’t even start
It’s Friday I’m in love
Saturday wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday never hesitate
I don’t care if Monday’s black
Tuesday Wednesday heart attack
Thursday never looking back
It’s Friday I’m in love
Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday watch the walls instead
It’s Friday I’m in love
Saturday wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday never hesitate
Dressed up to the eyes
It’s a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It’s such a gorgeous sight
To see you in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It’s Friday
I’m in love

THE END

IMG_1354

Today, as I was packing up my house to move, I came across some candy in my pantry.  It was in the bowl where I keep chocolate chips, chopped nuts, and various other cookie/sweet making ingredients.  These candies were not there to be used to make sweets though.  I was saving them.  You see, I got those candies in 2008 when I visited France.  If you’ve read my story, you know that I was madly in love with a friend who lived in France.  My husband and I had gone to visit her and her husband, and while we were there, her husband gave me these candies.  He remembered her saying that I had loved them when she sent them to me in a care package once so he thought he’d be sweet and buy some for me again.  Of course, I felt terribly guilty because I was having an affair with his wife.  At the end of the week long visit, I brought the candy back to Turkey with me, and then my friend and I broke off the affair and went our separate ways.  I grieved the loss of the friendship and dealt with the shame of cheating on my husband.  When we moved back to the states and through my divorce, I carried those candies with me.  They became a sacred thing to me, and I couldn’t bear to eat them very often.  Every once in a while I’d allow myself to have one as a memory trigger.  Even though my friend’s husband had technically been the one to buy them for me, those candies reminded me of her. Eating one every once in a while was a way to keep the idea of her alive.  Eventually, I was down to my last three candies and I stopped eating them.  Running out of them was not an option…that meant that it was over somehow.  I couldn’t even fathom our story being over.  Today, when I saw those last three chocolates, I smiled at myself.  I hadn’t even remembered those chocolates being in my pantry.  I took a picture of them and texted it to Candied Jansen because I knew it was a good story to tell.  And then, I threw those last three chocolates in the trash.  My story with my friend has long been over, and by throwing them out, it was like I had written in all caps, THE END.

It was a great story and one that I will always remember fondly, BUT I’m currently in the middle of another story.  One that has me moving in with Candied Jansen in less than a week!  This one comes with rings and adventures and forever.  This is so much better!!

Feelings

Candied Jansen went out of town for a few days this past week.  While she was gone, we signed our lease via email, and dealt with a couple of other things that needed our attention.  We texted back and forth several times a day and connected with a phone call once during her trip.  I guess what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder is true!  We were both feeling all the feels.  She sent me this text which summed it up perfectly.

“I love that you and I aren’t complicated!  I love that we are just in love…and that everything else is just things to be worked out.”

It was exactly what I’d been feeling.  The final stages of living apart are here, and the appreciation for her and her commitment to me just grows daily.  I can’t imagine being in this place with anyone else.

 

You’re in

I had the hardest time going to sleep last night.  Because I was up so late, I ended up needing a nap today.  During my nap, I had some of the strangest dreams!  The strangest by far was about a friend of mine from Turkey.  Let me set the stage…I haven’t talked to her since I came back to the states 7 years ago.  I can see her Facebook page and I hear through the grapevine about what’s going on in her life.  Recently I heard that she’d had her third child.  This is where the dream starts…

She was coming for a visit.  I hadn’t seen her or talked to her in so long so I was so surprised that she was even interested in visiting me.  When she showed up, she had her baby with her.  She excused herself to use the restroom and grabbed a small tupperware container that had 3 pickle slices in it from her bag.  She said she needed to pee in that container.  I was a little confused, but she continued to explain her reason to me.  She needed to pee on those pickles and then eat them.  Doing that would help her breast milk develop the immunities it needed for her baby.  In my dream, I had vaguely heard of others doing this, but I was surprised that my friend was one of those who did.  Then she asked if I would pee in a cup so she could dip a rag in it and use it to wipe her baby’s face.  Apparently this built up the baby’s immunity against anything I might have wrong with me.  I remember thinking it was so strange to let her wipe my urine on her baby, but I went along with it.

This is when I woke up.  Despite the house and the other random family members present in the dream not being my actual house or anyone I actually know, the dream felt so real.  I remember being in that half awake, half asleep state and wondering if it was real.  When I was finally coherent enough to realize it was a dream, I had to look around my room and remind myself where I was and about my actual life.  It was the strangest feeling!

If anyone wants to interpret this dream, go for it!  I can’t find any meaning in it at all!  So weird!!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 263 other followers