I was cleaning out my email folders this morning, and it made me sad. I miss having friends. I miss intimate conversations, silliness, and dinner guests. I miss one line emails and inside jokes. I miss sincerity and thoughtfulness and just because.
It’s the nature of the beasts though. The beasts being a job AND a lifestyle change. When I was a stay at home mom I could go to lunch with friends or have them over for dinner. Now lunch is in the teachers’ lounge, and dinner is not a recognizable event most days. Hopefully that will change this year. Hopefully I won’t be quite so worn out after work. Hopefully teaching will be my job not my life. Hopefully I’ll have time for friends.
Before I decided to come out as gay and divorce my husband I had friends to call on and hang out with. Most of them know about the divorce, but very few know about the gay thing. I haven’t given them the chance to reject me. Divorcing my husband and changing churches took care of most of them. Oh I could still call them to hang out, but it would be awkward and none of us want that. Besides I hadn’t known most of my local friends for long since we had been overseas for so many years. The friends I had from before we moved overseas have moved on so the landscape here is completely different. My college roommates have known me for 22 years, but for 20 of those years I was part of a couple. And they were his good friends as well. They aren’t local so I haven’t had a chance to see them yet.
I started this post on August 2nd, and today is August 6th. I’ve reread what I wrote 4 days ago and I think it’s explaining things. I’ve been moody lately. I celebrated a birthday this past week, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. At this point 40 and 41 are the same thing as far as I’m concerned. I think my mood has more to do with what I was writing here. It has to do with missing authentic interaction with people.
I know I’m just in an in between stage of life. I’m in between my comfortable old job and my new job becoming comfortable. I’m in between homes. I’m in between living my old life and freely celebrating my new one. I’m in between places where I can really invest myself. I’m in between old and new friends.
Fleur de lis helps tremendously, but right now our busy schedules don’t often lend themselves to much quality alone time or much celebrating each other over drinks. But even that’s part of an in between stage and will be changing soon.
Two years ago I couldn’t imagine where I would be in a year much less 2 years. The thought of that place filled me with dread. Today I am there, and it’s not so bad. I’m thankful for everything I’ve been through and all I’ve learned over that time. But the best part of all is that I don’t dread the next few years of my life. I am looking forward to them with hope and faith.