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I’ve opened up a blogging page several times over the past few days, but I just never knew what to say. I was thankful for Louise who asked for the Marinated Cheese recipe because it was something easy to write. I didn’t have to think about it. Now I’m feeling blah and wondering if writing any of those days would have helped me avoid the blah feelings.

Sweet Tea has asked me if I’m ok several times. I am ok, but I want to be more than ok. I know there are times when survival is the name of the game, but I don’t like survival mode. I have always been more of a thriver than just a survivor. I get knocked down, but I rarely stay down. I get up almost immediately, have learned a lesson, and am happy.

I’ve been pondering why I feel blah. It might have something to do with the holidays. My family hasn’t invited me to any of the holiday events. Even though I wasn’t a full on participant last year my parents had me over separately from my sister. My brothers and their families all came. It was only my sister who was missing that day. It wasn’t on Christmas day or Christmas Eve, but it was still a holiday celebration with a meal and time for gift giving. This year I won’t be a part of any of that. So yeah, a little blah about that.

It could have to do with money being tighter than normal. That sort of thing doesn’t usually worry me too much, but this year seems crazier as far as oddball expenses go.

It could do with the fact that my wasband has said some things that frustrate me. I am not interested in living life the way everyone else wants me to live it so mostly I don’t worry about that. In his frustration with my decision he has been somewhat mean to me, which probably affects my mood despite the fact that I understand what’s going on.

Last week was a hard week on me emotionally for several reasons which I have no desire to blog about, but I’m sure it contributed to the blah feeling.

Then today at lunch I sat and listened to two coworkers discuss their 28 year marriages and how they refused to let them end in divorce. They weren’t being mean, but I did feel like somewhat of a failure in the marriage department. I have no desire to go back to where I was, but just listening to it all made me all blah.

I am thankful for Sweet Tea.  I spent the weekend with her.   During this season we are the only sure thing either of us has.  Neither of us has any place else to go.  I don’t mind.  While I would love to spend some time with my family over the holidays, with her is where I’d choose to be.


3 responses »

  1. I admire your strength, dignity and resolve.
    I wish my (lesbian) daughter would come for holidays, but she refuses. We have a long history of gay people , who have been lovingly embraced and cherished in our family. But she doesn’t think she would be.
    It seems like the opposite situation to yours, we desperately want her, but she pulled away.
    She’s coming back to relationship with me, slowly, so that’s a start.

  2. Time for the Tubthumpin song!


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