The front porch

Recently, I was asked what type of person I could see myself with in 10 years.  I hadn’t really thought much about specifications up to that point, I just had a standard.  My standard has evolved over the last 5 years as my marriage ended and I started dating.  I’ve only dated two women, but there are three in my past.  I look at each of them and see what worked and what didn’t.  How we complimented each other and how we drove each other crazy.  I also use my ex-husband as a standard.  I don’t expect anyone to be like him, but there are qualities he had that were really attractive.  Things that I want in a future mate.  And there are things that I haven’t experienced with anyone I’ve been with that sound like something I would enjoy.  As I’ve contemplated all of this, and believe me I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time on this subject lately, there is only one thing I can say with certainty.  I will not be dating around.  I have no desire to go looking for this person.  I have no problem sitting back and waiting until God brings her into my life.  He knows the desires of my heart and will do a much better job than I could choosing the right person for me.  Will it be my first love or someone else entirely?  I have no idea.  All I know is that I’ve spent the last two relationships trying to make them something they weren’t.  I think both of those women would agree with me.  Years ago when I was contemplating coming out, I was asked to imagine a front porch with two rocking chairs on it.  One of those chairs was mine and the other belonged to the one I wanted to grow old with.  I’ve tried to imagine certain people in that rocking chair, but those images were fleeting.  And while I can’t see the face of the one I’ll call mine, my heart knows what she looks like.  And for today, that is enough.