Every day I open a new window to type a blog post, but I hesitate because I tend to want to wax poetic over my new relationship with every word I type. I know you guys have to be getting tired of that! (But oh my gosh…it is so good!!) So I close the blogging window and then stare at Facebook and do the same thing. I’m not at a loss for words anymore, but I don’t want to make people sick with my love musings. (Seriously…I am so lucky to have found this girl!!) So I end up not saying anything about anything. Until now…
So…let’s talk about sex.
During my entire married life I never had much of a sex drive at all. I never thought about it really. I laughed and joked with my friends about all the sex they were having, but I never really cared about actually having it myself. Of course I had sex. Before I was married even. But even then I didn’t want it. Once I was married sex with my husband was always ok. Nothing big. Just sex. It’s not because he didn’t try to make it something big and special either. He did. I just wasn’t ever interested.
We were married for a long time before I ever had an orgasm during sex. Of course he didn’t know that though. And I had orgasms. Often even. Let’s just say I was well-versed in the art of going solo. To be completely honest I preferred going solo to actual sex. So I guess maybe I did have a sex drive…it just wasn’t connected to him, or anyone else for that matter. I just figured I was somewhat broken in the whole sex with someone department. I didn’t want it, need it, or care to have it.
I remember when we were getting ready to go overseas. We had to take personality tests and job skills tests and psychological profile tests. One of the tests had several questions about sex. I remember being a tad bit uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure how to answer them. On one question I answered that I thought about sex too much. My husband answered it the same way. When we were being counseled our adviser brought up that we both answered that question in the affirmative and wanted to know if there was something kinky going on. We were both a tad bit embarrassed. I had only answered it that way because I felt like I was constantly trying to figure out how not to have to do it. Of course I didn’t divulge that information. My husband was thinking the exact opposite. He wondered how to get it more.
Then I allowed myself to fall in love with a girl. Everything in me was totally turned on by everything she did. Hell, she didn’t even have to do anything, and I was on edge. Just seeing her and hearing her voice. All of it totally and completely turned me on. I had never experienced anything like it in my life. I loved how it made me feel. Of course if you’ve read my story at all you know we had a year long emotional affair that culminated in a week long physical affair. It was my first experience with a woman, and it changed me. For the first time I understood what wanting someone in that intimate way felt like.
After the physical affair the issue of sex in my marriage reared it’s ugly head. I had managed to avoid kissing my husband the entire week of the affair. That wasn’t even planned. It just happened that way. And now here we were and he expected a little more than just kissing. How in the hell was I supposed to have sex with him when I had just experienced something that far surpassed anything I had ever felt with him? It was impossible. I managed to avoid it the first night because I was tired and sick. The next day I knew sex was on the agenda. I knew there was no getting out of it. Because I really was sick it was a quickie, but it was still sex. When it was over and my husband had fallen asleep, I just laid in my bed and cried. I was forever changed by my experience with a woman. Before her I had sex with my husband because I knew I was supposed to. He needed it. It was ok. It was never great. I always preferred quickies with little to no foreplay. I didn’t care if I had an orgasm or not. I did it for him and him alone. After the affair it was different. I still did it because I knew I was supposed to. It was never great. I still preferred quickies with no foreplay. I couldn’t handle all the pressure for it to be great so quick was the way out.
And I have never been a fan of sex in the light. I like darkness. I just do. Pretty much my whole married life I would push away any love-making efforts made by my husband during the daylight hours. Of course there were times I had sex during the day; it just wasn’t the preferred time at all. Daytime sex meant I had to pay attention to the looks that crossed my face. I knew that I often look bored, frustrated, or indifferent during sex. I always had. And after the love affair I’d had with my friend, there were many moments of extreme sadness and tears during sex as well. I didn’t want my husband to have to witness that. I’m sure on the rare occasions we had sex during the daytime the look on my face was one of concentration. I wonder what he thought of that.
In my first relationship after my husband, sex was big. It was the first time with no guilt involved. I wanted it more than I got it, but it was such a new thing to me. To even have that desire. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. And it was always in the bedroom and always in the dark.
In my last relationship, things started out ok, but very little effort was put forth by either of us as far as sex goes, so it became more of a chore than a pleasure. And I don’t say any of that to dis her. It was what it was. And the darkness of the bedroom was the rule there as well.
And now…everything is different. Bedroom, living room, kitchen. Standing up, sitting down, or in bed. Day or night…light or dark…it doesn’t matter. But oh my gosh the light!! I love being able to see her face and have no worries about what looks cross my face. I don’t even think about it. And I love to look at her…make eye contact…and see her feelings written on her face. It is a beautiful thing. I get great pleasure from watching her and touching her. I can’t even put into words how it makes me feel. And to give complete control to someone else is also amazing. To be able to trust her fully with no thoughts about anything and then to have my mind blown is just…WOW.
And it’s not just about the physical aspect of sex. We will sit and stare at each other for endless moments. Just looking. Memorizing. Feeling. The deep connection and love, coupled with being able to physically enjoy each other, just threw me for a loop. I had no idea what that felt like.
I feel blessed. Lucky. And so very thankful. To borrow her words…she is a game-changer and I love her.