So the text conversation about Candied Jansen’s health took a turn when she said this…
“I find it weird that the things we love to do and the things we love the other person to do…we rarely do when we are together. I LOVE that you blog and you love to blog…but I can only remember one time that you blogged when I was with you. I love to workout and you love that I am active…but I very rarely do it when I’m with you. We need to work on being the part of ourselves that we love and being that person around each other as well.”
I told her that I haven’t been blogging even when I have time and we’re not together. I just haven’t been in the mood to blog lately.
“I guess that’s why it’s hard to me to explain my NEED and WANT to be healthy and active because the things I think are so important to you, you can just let go of so easily or change….(blogging…kindergarten)”
I explained to her that over the years I’ve seen my blogging ebb and flow. I loved blogging so much in the beginning that I couldn’t imagine my life without it. I wrote about life in Turkey on my main blog and then started a secret blog for the crisis of faith and sexuality issues I was dealing with. I blogged because I needed it. I was away from the Baptist bubble I’d grown up in and I was experiencing things I had never even imagined. Because I was overseas working for a christian company, I needed a safe place to process without condemnation. So I blogged. When I lost my oldest friend because of the whole sexuality thing, I blogged as I fell to pieces. When we came back to the states and I grieved leaving a place that felt so much like home, I blogged. When I decided to leave my husband and come out, I blogged. All of those times were full of so many blog posts because I needed it. I needed that place to fall apart and gather myself and contemplate life.
When my last girlfriend and I broke up, my blogging picked up. I didn’t really need to process the break-up, but I did need to think about who I was and what I wanted in life. Those are the posts that Candied Jansen read and loved. I was in the midst of discovery and so I blogged. At the beginning of our relationship, I blogged some because I was so overcome with feelings that I needed to put them somewhere. Even the posts that didn’t have to do with her much were written because I was full of emotion. Now that life has settled down some, I am not blogging as much. I am still overwhelmingly in love with her. She is still so wonderfully my perfect match. My love of blogging hasn’t changed one bit…just my need to do it. When things get tough, as I’m sure they will at times, I will blog. It’s what I do. I love that Candied Jansen enjoys my words. I am so thankful that I will have her to lean on during tough times.
And then the conversation morphed again because of these words…
“even the way you handled & talk about your family.”
Here she is referring to the way I handled myself when my family didn’t talk to me because I had a girlfriend and the way I have prepared myself for the possibility of my family alienating me again because of my relationship with Candied Jansen.
I explained that I had a hard time with it, but I had expected it. I didn’t like it at all, but I knew that it was the most likely scenario. In stressful situations, Candied Jansen looks at every possibility and at every outcome. She thinks through all scenarios that she can come up with from beginning to end. For me, it is different. I looked at the worst case scenario when it came to my family, and I prepared myself for that. I knew that coming out would be a major life-changing thing for me. I would most likely lose all my friends and family because it totally went against everything we believed in. I contemplated the reality of that for a long time before I was ever brave enough to actually do it. I knew that I could be homeless when I left my parent’s house the night I came out to them because I was living in a house that they owned. I knew that every friend I ever made was either from church or a missions organization I was involved with. I was dating someone at the time, and she was literally the only person I knew I could count on, but I knew that she wasn’t someone I considered a lifelong certainty. I knew that everyone could turn on me so I had to decide if I was enough. If all I had was me and God, would I be ok? And I knew I would be. I felt a peace about it.
When I told my parents, I was shaking and crying and preparing for a goodbye. That didn’t happen. They didn’t like it and needed some time to think, but they said they loved me. They still talked to me, but there was a definite shift in our relationship. My sister did tell me goodbye. She met with me and shared her thoughts on it and said it made her sad, but she had to do what she felt led to do. She was the only one who reacted that severely.
Later when she discovered that I had a girlfriend and told my parents, my parents stopped talking to me as well. My dad and I reconnected through text messages, but I didn’t talk to my mother for about 8 months. It was hard, but again, I was prepared for it. I had hard days and ok days.
Candied Jansen wondered how I could prepare and plan for something like that. It seemed impossible to her. She said she would fall apart in the same situation. This is where our personality differences come in. My seemingly flippant attitude is not really that at all. I handled it, because I didn’t have a choice. I knew my family would have issues at first, but my hope was that as long as I did the right thing, they would come around. So I waited. When I was invited to birthday parties for nieces and nephews, I went. I sent text messages to keep in touch even if I didn’t get a response. And they slowly came around. They still don’t agree with my choices. I don’t know what they will do when I tell them that Candied Jansen and I are moving in together. I have been preparing my heart for their reaction since the day we first mentioned it. Worst case scenario…they stop talking to me again. I know I can handle it, because I handled it before. And it’s so different this time. I have my kids. They have grown so much since those early days. They won’t leave. And I have Candied Jansen. She means the world to me.
And that is where the conversations ended that night. With talks about my family and how I handle them. I can look at the progression of words and see how we ended up at my family after starting with Candied Jansen and her need to exercise. I like that we can talk for long stretches and never run out of things to say. That works for me!