What I know

Wait!  Everyone stop!  Do not proceed forward with your day.  If we all protest the hands of time maybe, just maybe, tomorrow won’t come.  I don’t want tomorrow to come yet.  Tomorrow means the start of another school week.  I’m not ready to go back to school yet.  And seriously…where did the last week go?  I know much of it was spent stuffing my face and pretending not to notice my expanding waistline.  Yay for stretchy pants!

I had a great vacation.  I spent several days at my parent’s lakehouse with my family.  It was my first official holiday without my Wasband, and while I had fun I did wish he could be there.  It seemed wrong that he wasn’t out by the firepit with the other guys.  I felt his absence when football was on TV and board games were played.  I know those things will take some getting used to, but it made me sad for him.  I was sad that he was missing it.

And yes, I was with my family minus my sister.  She and her husband went on an overseas trip.  She took her oldest kids with her and left the youngest in the care of my parents.  The youngest doesn’t really know me.  She’s 3 and since my sister and I don’t really have much of a relationship I’m never around her.  Over the holiday I got to spend some time with her.  Granted there were lots of cousins around to distract her, and I certainly didn’t want to do anything to upset my sister, but I did enjoy watching her with the others.  At one point my boys were horsing around in the living room.  She came in to see what was on TV.  I watched her survey the room and decide to sit as far away from their commotion as possible.  That seat was in my lap.  My dad walked through the room on his way outside a few minutes later .  He saw her in my lap and smiled.  I knew what he would do.  He got his camera and took our picture.  I guess he thought it might be a good idea to capture the moment.  I’m sure it won’t happen often.

I’ve been thinking about Christmas this year.  Last year it stressed me out.  I wasn’t sure where or what or who to be.  I deferred to others when it came to celebrating.  I wasn’t invited to the regular Christmas Eve celebration at my parents’ because of protests by my sister.  The kids went with their dad to spend time with my family.  I was thankful they didn’t miss out because of me.  They were a tad upset that I wasn’t invited to the traditional meal and gift opening time.  It made no sense to them.  They didn’t know why their dad and I were divorcing, but it didn’t matter.  It was Christmas, and I was part of the family.  According to them if my sister didn’t want to spend time with me she is the one who shouldn’t go.  I tried to explain that she was upset, but not mad.  That seeing me there would make her sad.  That I was ok.  That I would see them when they got home later that evening.  They went feeling a little unsure but came home happy.  They also brought me presents.  My sister’s family didn’t get me a gift, but my brothers’ families did.  I was surprised.  My parents did a special Christmas Day dinner and invited everyone back including me.  My sister’s family didn’t come, but both of my brothers brought their families back to celebrate with me.  It was a little strained because it was the first chance I’d had to spend time with them, but I was so thankful they were willing to try.  Over the last year I’ve seen them quite a bit and things are mostly normal.  I know they wonder what’s going on, but we don’t talk about it.  I don’t avoid the topic; it just isn’t mentioned.  Honestly, I’m glad.  I don’t want it to be about that.  I am their sister and part of the family.  My kids are there and we eat and laugh and play like normal.  Like normal minus my sister.

Which brings me back to this Christmas.  Our family does the every other year thing.  This is the Christmas where everyone goes to the in-laws to celebrate.  My parents usually go to an uncle’s house for the holidays since their kids are all out of town.  After Christmas and before New Years everyone comes home and gets together for our celebration.  I have no idea what that will look like this year.  I don’t know if I will be included since my sister will be there.  I can’t imagine my parents doing 2 celebrations this year since the celebrating won’t be taking place on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  I just don’t know.  I will be deferring to other’s wishes again this year.

What I do know is that the kids will go with their dad to his parent’s for Christmas.  They’ll only stay a few days.  I’m sure they will freak out a bit that I won’t be there, but I think the promise of a celebration when they get back will be enough to make it ok.  I know that I will be spending Christmas Eve and Day with Fleur de lis.  It will be quiet and cozy.  Sounds good to me.