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Choosing

I don’t remember what triggered the thoughts exactly, but it wasn’t the first time I’ve thought them.  Life is good.  Mostly.  I’m ready for school to be out, the house to be done, and it’s way too busy around here, but things are going well.  So when these thoughts show up it isn’t out of unhappiness or discontentment at all.  They just appear.  And I ponder the question.

The question is always in reference to being gay.  If I could go back to a time when I was faced with gay, would I choose differently?  My issue is that I wouldn’t know where to rewind to exactly.  Once the divorce papers had been signed and the ball had seemingly rolled beyond the point of no return I had two very real opportunities to “change my mind” about all of it, once in 2010 and again in 2011, and even though I knew that the choice to be gay would alienate me from my family I couldn’t choose otherwise.  But what if I could rewind to a time before that?  Would it be easier to make a different choice?

My first thought is to rewind back to 2008 when I had my first real experience with another woman.  Could I choose differently knowing that by choosing her in those moments I would end up leaving my job, my husband, and ultimately lose almost every other relationship in my life at that time?  Sounds like it would be easy to say I would choose differently, but it isn’t.  I think that even if I had chosen to say no in those moments it would have only been a matter of time before I chose to say yes to a woman.

Maybe I need to rewind a little further back.

2007 when I was tempted and said no, but then committed emotionally which led to saying yes in 2008.

2003-2004 when I felt the stirrings for the first time in a long time.

1986 when I first felt them.

And so many little moments in between.

I said no so many times over the years that I finally couldn’t say no anymore.  So even if I could choose differently I think I would have eventually landed in the same place.  Saying yes and taking life as it hit me.

Here’s Ellen Degeneres telling you how it is.

And while I can’t completely understand the initial celebratory feelings after announcing to the world I’m gay I do relate to the craziness afterwards.

I look forward to life.  I have a great partner, great kids, and a great church family.  My own family may not be what I want it to be, but we do keep in touch and they do love me.  That’s enough for now.

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