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I’ve been sitting here listening to some folksie/rocker chicks and feeling something.  It’s so hard to describe.  I don’t know if it’s worth even trying to put it down, but I have something to say at the end of it all.  These women that I’ve been listening to are Christians.  And one of them is also gay.

Jennifer Knapp was an award winning Christian musician who took a break from the music field in 2001/02 because of major burn out and just needing a break.  Right after her decision to break from the Christian music camp, she met a woman and fell in love.  In 2009 she decided to start recording music again and came out publicly in 2010.  I love Jennifer Knapp.  I loved her back in the day, and now I love her even more.  Her honesty at being a Christian and being a lesbian resonates with me.  She is both and embraces both.  She doesn’t apologize for it.

I’ve also been listening to Margaret Becker.  She is also a Christian rock artist with a gritty sound.  Margaret is 54 and has been single her whole life.  I have no idea how she identifies, but I do know that she is supportive of Jennifer.  They are currently on a Christmas music tour together, and I am so sad that they aren’t coming anywhere close to me!  Go see them if you can.

And Susan Ashton and Kim Hill…both Christian artists who were married and then divorced.  I love their music.  It is something.

And I think about who I am and who I’ve become over the last few years.  I truly believe with everything in me that I am more in tune with God and Christ than I was before.  I think being honest with myself and allowing myself to be who God made me has helped.  He hasn’t abandoned me, and I haven’t abandoned Him.  It is about worshipping, glorifying, sitting in silence, and crying out.  It’s a relationship not a religion.  I can’t help it.  I have to be this way.

And then I think about her.  And although I know where she is and what she’s doing with her life in bits and pieces, I don’t really know.  She seems happy.  The last several years have been healing ones for her it seems.  And even though I have had 2 significant relationships since our time together, the bottom line is they weren’t her.  Those feelings are always just under the surface.  She is still aways here.  “A specter behind every tree…silently shifting, yet following.  I carry her with me.”  I wonder if she would still love me if she knew me now.


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