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Riding Bareback

“What we find in a soulmate is not something wild to tame but something wild to run with.” – Robert Brault

I read this quote tonight and loved it!  It reminds me of that Natasha Bedingfield song, Wild Horses.  When I was living overseas and dealing with the knowledge that I was gay but unable to do anything about it at the time, I heard that song for the first time and could so relate to the words.

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I’m looking out… hmm
Is this my life I’m wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I’m thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I’ll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I’m longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Oh yeah yea

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All the words were relatable.  I was scared, but I didn’t want to be.  My fear had to do with my faith.  Every friend I had at the time was faith-based.  Church, work, life…it all centered around my Christian faith.  And from everything that I knew about my faith, everything that I’d been taught said I couldn’t be gay.  I was living in another country being paid to do a job that was faith related, and I was gay.  The two didn’t mesh.  They couldn’t coexist.  So I had a major crisis of faith.  If I couldn’t be gay and be a Christian, then I must need to stop being a Christian.  I had already tried to stop being gay and despite many prayers and seeking the answers in God’s word, it didn’t happen.  But I didn’t know how to stop being a Christian either.  It was impossible.   I felt completely torn and useless and crazy.  And then I realized something.  It is MY faith.  I don’t have to live by anyone else’s definition for it.  It was the most freeing moment.  I get to decide how my faith is going to look.

And it’s wild and reckless!

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One response »

  1. I can SO relate to every friend and associate you had was faith-based. When I came out, I barely even knew any people who were not in my Christian circles and I didn’t know a single gay person outside of a few lesbian bloggers that I had connected with. But nobody in real life. It was scary – I thought I might never meet anyone that I would love or who would love me but I was so miserable, I would have been happier alone and myself than married having to pretend I was the good little hetero Christian housewife homeschool mom. I did meet someone and although she wasn’t the right one for me, I did at least get to see what love felt like and I am trusting God for the right one.

    Reply

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