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The way I feel…

Grey’s Anatomy is a fairly popular show.  I’ve seen it a few times, but I’m not a big TV watcher so I haven’t ever really gotten  involved with the characters or cared much about what happened.  A couple of months ago, one of the episodes sparked an interesting conversation between Candied Jansen and myself.

Candied – If I was in an accident that severed my spine and I would have to be on a ventilator unable to breath on my own and unable to take care of myself, go anywhere, or do the things I love (be active and adventurous), but I am conscious and aware of everything would you want me to live that way?

Me – What would you want?  I would honor your request because I love you.  I would let you make that choice.  The only thing I wouldn’t want you to do is walk away to keep me from having to shoulder that burden.  If you chose to die I would understand that, but I wouldn’t like it much.

And the emotions and feelings that came out from both of us in that moment were surprising.  I won’t share her thoughts because they are hers to share if she chooses, but all I could think in that moment was that I had finally found my one and I wasn’t letting her off that easy.

I committed myself to my husband back in 1991.  I broke that promise when I left him and we divorced.  I felt horrible and guilty for a long time because of it, but I knew that I was supposed to walk away.  I had a relationship with a single friend several years ago where I felt that same commitment.  I felt like I was called to commit to her in that way because she struggled with thinking that someone would ever care about her enough to give their life to her.  Our relationship had so many ups and downs and I wanted to walk away so many times, but I didn’t because of that commitment.  When she became engaged, I finally felt like God was releasing me from that commitment because someone else had stepped up to the plate.  I moved away a year or so later and I haven’t spoken with her since.

I have other friends who I would step up to the plate for if they ever needed me.  I don’t feel like I have to commit myself to them though in order to help them.  The relationships are different.

And now there’s Candied Jansen.  She has several people in her life who would step up if she ever needed them.  I know that.  But for me it is different.  She is mine and I am hers.  If anything ever happens to her and she needs constant care or help, l want to be there because we belong together no matter what.  Through good times and bad.  Through the tough spots and the easy days.  I won’t be going anywhere.  And while no official vows have been spoken, I am committed, dedicated and devoted to her.

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One response »

  1. Candied Jansen

    You certainly challenged me in that conversation…but in a way I’ve always hoped to be challenged. Your words, your actions define what commitment should mean in a relationship…& for that, I am in awe that I’ve been so lucky to have found you. I want everything for you…and for the first time…everything for me & for us as a partnership…whatever that means in the future. I know you want to be there for me. I know I’m not going anywhere…I’d walk to the ends of the Earth with you and for you…then back again. I am yours. You are mine. When words are everything…there’s still so much emotion in more than words.

    I love you!…all of me!

    Reply

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