RSS Feed

Five things – again


Long time no see.

I’ve thought about coming here and writing a few things down several times over the past couple of months, but I haven’t made it a priority.  There are so many things I could say, but I don’t know that I really feel like saying it all.  Here is a rather brief rundown of things.

1.  I got my KitchenAid mixer for Christmas.  Candied Jansen and my kids went in together to buy it for me.  There was some drama involved with this, but it was mostly my fault.  I freaked when I realized a few weeks before Christmas that they were spending that much and instead of just being thankful and allowing people to show me that they love me with a gift I’d wanted for a long time, I felt guilty about it all.  Now I feel guilty because I’ve only used it once!  I have been too busy or too lazy to do much baking so I just smile at it and pet in every once in a while.  I know my baking desire comes and goes so I will have plenty of opportunity to use it!

2.  I wasted an ungodly amount of money but made a major life decision in the process.  I applied for and got into grad school and then after 5 days of classes dropped out.  What I discovered was that I really had no desire to continue my education in the education field.  I’d never really had any desire to go back to school, but this past summer an opportunity to be a librarian presented itself and then fizzled out because I didn’t have my master’s degree.  I was encouraged to get it because librarians are always needed.  I decided to go for it and then had panic attacks over the thought that I might have to spend the next 20 years working with kids.  The older my own kids get the less the idea of working in a school setting appeals to me.  After a nervous breakdown on the phone and then in person with Candied Jansen, I decided that even though I was going to lose a significant amount of money, I needed to go ahead and drop out.  I feel completely at peace with that decision, but I am frustrated at the loss of money!  UGH!  I don’t feel at liberty to discuss any future work plans now because I have no idea what the future holds exactly.  I’ll be working on that!

3.  Last week, I told my parents about Candied Jansen.  When I came out to them back in 2009, they told me that they didn’t want to ever have anything to do with anyone I might date.  I never told them about the first girl I dated, but they discovered my second girlfriend and then proceeded to shut me out of their lives for a time.  When I did reconnect with them several months later, I answered a couple of questions about my then girlfriend, but I never tried to introduce them.  I knew that said girlfriend was not ever going to be a long term thing, and I knew that she would never be part of the family.  With Candied Jansen I’ve felt like I had a secret, and for the first time since coming out that wasn’t ok.  She encouraged me to wait a bit to tell them because my relationship with them was finally in a good place.  I waited longer than I ever thought I would, but I just couldn’t take it anymore and told them.  They were disappointed and said that they were praying for me and despite the fact that I believed God made me gay, they knew better.  They knew that one day I would repent of this sin.  They said it with complete love and I don’t fault them at all.  I just said I knew how they felt.  I didn’t argue with them or try to change their minds.  I told them that I didn’t want to feel like I was lying to them and out of respect for Candied Jansen I needed to tell them.  I didn’t want her to ever feel like a dirty little secret.  I think they were surprised by that.  I know they could tell how important she was to me.  I have no idea what they will do from this point forward.  I talked to my dad the next day about something of his that he left in my car, but I haven’t heard from them since.  It’s not unusual to go a week or so between conversations so I haven’t worried about it yet.

4.  Speaking of Candied Jansen, I am completely in love with her.  I’m so amazed at how different from my other two relationships this feels.  This one is easy and natural.  Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of our first date.  We have already taken steps to blend our lives, and I can’t wait to actually be able to go to sleep next to her each night and wake up with her each morning.  Oh, it’s happening!  We both wish it already happened, but we are thinking long term and about our kids and neither of us wants our kids to have to move in the middle of the school year.  Come on summer!!

5.  This one I debated about, but I figured I’d let whoever it is know how I feel.  Marissa Smith, if that’s even your real name, I don’t care what my ex says about me on her blog.  After your message, I went and read her blog and the most recent blog post at that point called me lazy and said something about me not being interested in planning for the future.  Maybe there were posts that said worse.  I didn’t read them all.  I’m debating even defending myself here.  It’s not important really.  I can tell you that she was right about the future thing.  I knew there was no future with her, and I had no idea how to get out of the relationship.  She had no money, no place to go, and no way to get there so I didn’t feel like I could ask her to leave.  It was the most depressing feeling.  I worked my ass off at school and came home and spent most evenings doing nothing because I felt trapped.  She talked about working hard providing for her family when in reality the credit card bills climbed higher and higher.  And the idea of all of us being her family never did sit well with me.  My kids were very uncomfortable around her, and I hated that I subjected them to being a guest in their own home.  I spent the last half of the last summer she was here doing nothing but sitting around because I didn’t know what to do.  I guess trapped and depressed translates to lazy.  I’m fine with that.  Once school started again, I decided to stand up and stop being a pushover.  I was done being depressed and did something about it.  After a few horrible weeks of fighting, our relationship ended.  I was left with almost $10,000 in credit card debt, but all I could feel was relief.  I truly don’t care if I ever see or hear about her again.  I have said very little about her on this blog because I’ve always been taught that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  I just broke that rule.  And Marissa, now you can run and tell her that I’m talking bad about her on my blog.    I doubt she’ll care any more about what I’m saying than I care about what she’s said.

So there you have it.  Five things.  I’m know there is so much more I could share, but I’ll save it for another post.  Maybe.


One response »

  1. Oh my gosh! I’m sitting here…reflecting on the overwhelming feelings that I’ve had all day…at so totally and completely in love with you I have fallen in the last 365 days (and nights!). A year ago tomorrow, I will have made the best decision ever by taking 20 seconds of bravery and asking you out to dinner. I’ve never been so sure of much else. I’ve loved you before it was reasonable to tell you so. I’ve loved you so long that I know you are exactly what I’ve been waiting for…the only one that put a future in sight. It’s so clear now…and I love every minute…(even the frustrating ones that make me wait to share my life with you). Because THIS IS the beginning of the rest of my life…and any time that I get with you (or without you) moves me closer to the time that I’ll be by your side for ALL the moments of our lives. I’m so ready for everything, because now that I’ve found you…it is so much better than I could have imagined.

    I have handed you my heart, and I know it’s in the best of hands. Thank you SO MUCH for giving me yours. I will treasure it as it deserves…with as much love, tenderness, patience, and emotions (up and down) as you can possibly stand.

    I LOVE YOU! Muah!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: