Things change

Well, with Covid 19 it seems the world is trying to tell us something so I’ve decided to take some of my social distancing time to tell you guys some things.  Let’s see how this goes.

I am a Christian.  I will always define myself that way because it’s how my early beliefs took root.  But life has a way of changing things and thoughts.  They evolve.  They become.  And then they evolve some more.  I miss some of the basics of the christian faith though.  Like peace.

Anytime I had a problem or was worried about something before, I would pray about it and most of the time the worry would lessen and I knew that God’s plan was best.  And now…well, it’s not that I don’t think that God’s plan is best, I just feel more anxious about the unknown and have fears about the future.  For example, this summer I had anxiety over having my grandchildren at my house for a week of Camp Grandma.  We have a pool in our backyard and the fear of them drowning was almost crippling.  I knew I would be extremely vigilant about watching their every move, but the fear was still there.  In the weeks leading up to summer, there were several stories on the news and online about children drowning.  I could barely handle hearing them.  When I was pregnant with my second child in 1995, one of my cousins lost a child to drowning in a backyard pool.  She was 15 months old.  She managed to open the back door which she had never done before and by the time they discovered her missing, it was too late.  The memory of their loss combined with the many news stories at the beginning of summer caused me to have anxiety like I’ve never known.  I think the fear and anxiety kept me from praying about it and giving that fear to God.

And now this Covid 19 thing has me feeling anxious once again.  I worry for my family’s health and safety.  When I heard the story of the family in New Jersey where a mother and 3 of her children had died due to this pandemic, I felt that familiar anxiety creeping in.  I think the mother was in her 70s and her kids were all in their 50s, but the impact that 4 people from a single family dying within days of each other had on my psyche wasn’t good.  Most of my family is in pretty good health.  When I think rationally, I know that most people recover easily from this virus.  But then I see the news and read the headlines and fear creeps back in.  I am trying hard to not be overwhelmed by it.

I sometimes feel like I should stay away from news and all the depressing things on the internet, but then I guess the better idea is to just pray more.