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alone

I’m alone.  I am sitting in my apartment all by myself.  Nobody is expecting me to be anywhere or do anything for them for the next six hours.  I have six hours of alone time.  Wow.  

I was thinking about the fact that I would have this unexpected alone time today.  One would think that my alone time would have multiplied since I moved out of my house.  Actually the opposite has happened.  I wake up alone most mornings.  I have about an hour by myself, but it is spent getting ready to go to work.  I don’t have time to just enjoy being alone.  After work I might go back to my apartment to change clothes, but it is just a quick in and out trip.  After changing clothes I go to the house to spend time with the kids.  When I lived there I could go to my room and close the door and be alone.  Since moving out I want to make sure that I’m spending time with them when I am there.  I cook dinner for them, watch TV with them, play games with them…whatever they want to do.  Sometimes I pick them up and bring them back to my place where I cook dinner for them, watch TV with them, play games with them…again…whatever they want to do.  They take turns spending the night at my apartment a few nights a week.  I don’t have enough beds for all 4 of them so they usually come in twos.  Sometimes I have a few minutes alone to get online or make a phone call when they are with me, either at their place or mine, but I am always with them.  That is what I choose to do.  When I am not with them or at work I spend time with Fleur de lis.  Sometimes she comes to my place and sometimes I go to hers.  We already don’t get to see each other nearly enough so any alone time I might have is completely reserved for her.  That is what I choose to do.  At the end of the day when I am finally back at my place and on the rare occasion that I am here alone all I want to do is sleep.   

Today circumstances were such that other than a quick trip to help get kids where they needed to be this morning and another one later this afternoon I have nothing.  A long extended period of nothing.  The kids are busy.  Fleur de lis is busy.  And I’m not.  

Wow.  I forgot what this felt like.

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7 responses »

  1. enjoy.
    alone time is good for the soul.

    Reply
  2. It’s an odd feeling, isn’t it, knowing that no one is waiting for you and your time is your own, at least for a little while.

    I’ve never gone through the life change that you are right now, but I’ve experienced that feeling. After a while, you start to enjoy it. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Natalie. Thank you for sharing the link to this blog with me. I’ve spent the last 30 minutes or so reading back over your previous entries, with my heart in my throat. What a terrifying thing you have done.

    I commend you for your bravery in finally making the decision to live life as your authentic self. I know how hard it is on everyone. I know what sheer hell you’re going through in so many ways. But I also know that feeling of peace and happiness that only comes from leaving the lies and pretense behind.

    Wow. It sounds like you have a support system of some sort going on, but please, if you need to talk to anyone, you know where to find me.

    Reply
  4. Natalie, you don’t know me, I came across your blog by (a VERY odd) chance. Despite that, I am astounded and so proud of you in your courage to live your life in your way and take all the knocks that come with it. You obviously have an amazing group of friends to lean on and I just wanted you to know that even people you don’t know appreciate your struggles and support you in them, even from afar. Best of luck, and hang in there.

    Reply
  5. Wow Nat… Wow. Thanks for bringing some of us over. I’ve missed your blogs. I just went through all your archives and think I’ve pieced most of it together. My only thought is, if you’ve found yourself, then I couldn’t be happier for you.

    Reply
  6. I remember well some of my first days on my own. Scary, unsettling, sad. But gradually, peaceful.

    Reply
  7. The quiet. It’s rarely quiet now. It all settles down eventually – the lack of alone time, the alone time, enough time with someone special.

    Reply

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