So I’ve been busy. And stressed. And tired. And did I mention busy? Pretty much doing everything but blogging around these parts. We bought a house and moved since I last blogged. When I last blogged we hadn’t even started looking at houses. I’ve been doing everything I can do to try to prep my students for the achievement tests they have to take on Wednesday. And that’s pretty much been my life. Forgive me for not blogging, but I can’t imagine the drivel I would have produced in the mental state I’ve been in. I promise it would have bored you to tears.
I know many of you are reading Sweet Tea’s blog as well. Thankfully she’s been a much better historian these past few months.
I did want to comment on the whole debacle with my family. Sweet Tea is right. I will defend them to the bitter end. I know them well. I know their hearts. She sees me hurt by not being included and gets angry. She cannot understand their lack of communication or why they would continue to invite my wasband to family functions. It makes no sense to her. I, on the other hand, completely understand. I know they see my being gay as a complete about face from my life before. They see the sister and daughter who for 38 years was committed to family and God and don’t know what to do with the whole gay thing. It is almost incomprehensible that I could be gay and committed to family and God in the same way I was before. I get that. I struggled with how I could possibly be gay and a Christian for years. It was what kept me from making a decision for myself for so long. It was not something that was possible in the Christian life I was brought up in. But I know now it is possible. To deny either one is almost repulsive to me. I am both. But because they haven’t had that personal experience they can’t possibly understand. I get it. It was hard for me and I lived it. So I am okay with them not being okay with it. I understand. I also know that they aren’t self righteous and condemning. They do not think they are better than me. They are hurt. They don’t know what to do. So they are polite and cordial when they see me. They are friendly when we happen to cross paths, but they don’t go out of their way most days to connect. Again, I’m okay with that. The look of disappointment and hurt in their faces is almost more than I can take. I can’t go back to what I was. I can’t go back to who they were comfortable with. I don’t want to. I do want relationships with them, but I will take it in whatever way makes them most comfortable. If that’s occasional texts and phone calls I will treasure those. Maybe most people won’t understand that or agree with how things are being handled. But it is what it is and since I’m okay with it that’s all that matters really.
I’ve been reading the Wizard of Oz books lately. I discovered them when I was a library aide in the 8th grade and devoured them. Most people don’t realize that L. Frank Baum, the author of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, actually wrote 14 books about Oz. I was telling our school librarian about them, and she had no idea. I decided to look to see if they had them for the Kindle and got the entire series for $1.99. I couldn’t believe it! So now I’m lost in Oz with Dorothy, Ozma, the Scarecrow, Jack Pumpkinhead, TikTok and all sorts of fun characters. It’s been nice to read something easy and fun after all the crazy around here.
And now I’m sleepy. Sigh.