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Feelings

I have been told that when I write, I share more of myself than I do when I am face to face with someone.  I know it’s true.  I think that in person, I don’t want to burden people with how I feel.  I guess I think they have better things to do than deal with me and my deep thoughts.  Candied Jansen wants to know more.  Wants to go deep.  I appreciate that, but I’ve found that I am not very good at it because there haven’t been very many people in my life who were good at going deep with me.  Most of my friends laid their problems and issues and memories, both good and bad, at my feet and I was the listener.   I could name people and places that were important to them.  I remembered their high school mascot, their basketball number, and their piano teacher’s name from grade school.  I knew how they felt about things and themselves…their strengths and weaknesses. Since I didn’t feel like anyone had that type of interest in me or my thoughts, I didn’t share them.  When I had to let things out, I wrote.   Drama and stress were/are two of my muses I guess.  Happiness and sadness are both muses as well.  For some reason lately I haven’t been listening to my muses.  I guess a better way to say it is that I’ve talked myself out of feeling things.  I read blogs and news and play silly games to relax and distract myself from feeling I think.  While relaxing is fine, that other part…not feeling…that’s probably not such a good idea.

Oh, and just because I know people will wonder, I am still madly in love with Candied Jansen.  I am so excited about our future together.  I could go on and on about how amazing she is, but I feel like I’ve said it all here, and I know I’ll say it all again whenever the mood strikes.  I’m not talking about my feelings as they relate to her.  It’s all those other things I have feelings about that I bottle up.

My family.  There’s a can of worms that I keep the lid shut tight on most of the time.  Lately, I have stressed over several events that involve my family.  First of all, Candied Jansen and I plan to get married soon.  I haven’t said a word to anyone in my family other than my own children.  I know they won’t approve so I don’t want to open myself up to disapproving remarks or looks.  So I stay quiet.  That would have been an easy thing to keep a lid on, except for another somewhat spur of the moment event that is coming up.  My almost 20 year old son is also getting married.  He and his girlfriend have been dating for a couple of years and are ready to take that next step.  They are in college together and are not the type to need to sew any wild oats.  He wants to be a preacher and she is majoring in biblical studies.  Candied Jansen and I both approve of the marriage even though they are young.  Anyway…they are having a small wedding and inviting family and a few friends.  They both want Candied Jansen to be there which thrills me.  It also causes me a little anxiety because my family hasn’t met Candied Jansen nor have they shown any interest in meeting her.  My mom has actually said that she is praying that my relationship with Candied Jansen doesn’t work out.  But it’s MY son’s wedding and HE has invited her.  She plans to be there and I am so glad.  Her not going would only communicate that my family’s feelings are the most important thing and since it is about my son and his bride, not my family, we will be there to support them.  I will just be somewhat anxious about it until it’s all over.

Another family event that caused a little stress was my adoption day.  If you’ve read my blog, you know the day my parents got me way back when was October 27th.  My dad always calls me or texts me to tell me he loves me.  Lately, he hasn’t been calling me at all.  He answers texts if I text him.  He answers the phone when I call, but he isn’t the one reaching out.  I worried that October 27th would come and go without a call or text from him.  It happened back in 2011 when they found out I was dating someone.  I was sure it would happen again.  I knew that I would spend the day wondering if they were going to call or text but that any feelings about not being called would happen after I was home from work, thankfully.  I got to work around 7am and I got the text at 7:40am.  Of course I burst into tears because I truly didn’t think I would hear from them.  I was able to get myself together without causing too much worry from my students.  I told them they were happy tears…that I had gotten some good news.

I really should come here more often.  It’s therapeutic.

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