1.
This was shared on twitter yesterday, and I loved it! I so feel that way right now.
2. I mentioned Jennifer Knapp before in a post, but I had to put the link to this here. And while I’m not in a relationship right now, I can wholeheartedly say I agree with this.
3. And just for fun, here is another link of her and Margaret Becker having fun with Christmas songs. My girls and I have watched this over and over. We are easily amused!
My parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in December. 50 years! Amazing! Yesterday, my sister asked them what they wanted to do to celebrate. They said they weren’t planning to do anything. Their reason…the family dynamics now that I’m out have caused too much tension between my sister and I. (For reminders on exactly what our relationship is like read here and here.) They just didn’t feel like dealing with it. It was too hard.
Hearing my mom say that she didn’t want to celebrate the monumental feat of 50 years together compelled my sister to call me. I know that she and I have talked a couple of times in the last year, but it had to do with our kids hanging out and was all business. Yesterday was different. She was emotional when she called. She didn’t like how the last 4 years had been between us, but she wasn’t sure how to change it. She needed to hear from me.
Well, I have changed quite a bit over the last two years or so. I am more sure of what I believe. Before I had a hard time justifying my faith and my sexual orientation, but after many prayers, much scripture reading in more than one translation and language, and thinking about the nature of God, I have a better understanding of who I am and how He made me. My sister said she didn’t have a problem with the idea that God made me this way. That wasn’t the issue. The issue for her was that we are all created with a bent toward sin. That babies and young children tend to be selfish without being taught that behavior. I have no problem agreeing with that. But it’s what we do with that sin as we become aware that it is sin that matters. We are not to be enslaved by the things that tempt us to sin. What tempts her might not tempt me, but no matter what our temptation is, we have to fight it. By controlling our desires and putting God first, we are giving Him glory and striving to live in holiness. I had no real problem with anything that she said.
But…and you knew there would be a BUT…
If I am constantly praying to God to change the way He made me because it is sinful to desire to be in a same sex relationship that gives honor and glory to God, and He doesn’t do it, I’m just supposed to struggle with who I am for the rest of my life? It’s ok to tell God that He made a mistake when He made me because this me isn’t good enough and can’t be fixed? I know that God allows people to suffer afflictions for years and decades and wants honor and glory to come out of those situations. People living with diseases with no hope of a cure other than a miraculous one, are in the same situation I’m in. Is the person God made them to be, whether it’s short, tall, deep, wide, able-bodied, or abled differently not good enough? I don’t think so. God doesn’t make mistakes. We are the ones who decide that we aren’t good enough. God made us exactly perfect, each of us varying degrees of different from the others, and when we complain and ask Him to change the very thing that makes us us, we are telling Him that He messed up. I don’t think so.
Will I still sin? Of course. Selfishness, anger, jealousy, gluttony, and idolatry are all things I struggle with. I would love for God to take the temptation of food away, but I don’t need to give up food totally so that I don’t overeat. I need to pay attention and make sure that I am careful with how much I eat and thank God for what He provides. I don’t struggle with being gay. I just am gay. It’s who God made me to be. If I am ever in a committed relationship again, I will give Him thanks, honor and glory for it and all the other ways He’s worked in my life and heart. I won’t ask Him to decrease my love for the other person, but to increase my love for Him and His perfect plan.
There was so much more to our conversation that I haven’t put here, but I am too tired to think on it all. Also, I didn’t change her mind on any of it. In fact, I think she hung up more resolved in her convictions. That’s fine. I respect her decision. I know it’s not one she makes lightly. I knew when I came out that I would be changing the way my family related to me, and that quite possibly I would lose some relationships altogether. I don’t think my relationship with my sister is completely lost at this point. And my door will always be open for her to walk through. She knows that.
And because I know someone will wonder, we are going to try to do a small party with all 4 kids and their families and a few of my parents’ close friends for their anniversary. All together celebrating them. It’s what needs to happen for all they’ve done for us.
I used to be a writer. Not as a real job that paid the bills, but I had that artist’s soul. I was stirred to put things on paper and in white boxes on the internet. I couldn’t stop it. Words poured from me like a broken tap. There was no way to turn it off so I wrote. I wrote about life, love, home, family, friends, sunny days, the rain, and pretty much anything else that was going on around me. I had words for all of it. Beautiful, meaningful, savory words. Some of those words were shared hither and yon, but many of them were just mine. The writing wasn’t necessarily great, but it didn’t matter. I was moved to write, so I did. And then something happened. The tap slowed to a trickle. Every once in a while there would be good, clear water, but most of what came out was murky and brown. The sun would shine and I would say, the sun is shining. Clouds rolled in, and all I could say was that it was cloudy. I couldn’t find the words to describe it. And one day, the tap just dried up. Even beautiful, sunny days brought me no words. Major life events, while celebrated, were told about in plain ol’ regular words. I felt no words. I wanted to write, but I had nothing to say. I came here time and again with the idea that if I just started to write, something would happen. And it didn’t. And when I did have something to say, it didn’t sound right after I said it. Sometimes I put the words here, but most of the time they were saved in drafts and then deleted after many attempts to edit them into some sort of meaning. Finally, I just gave up trying. I put down my pen, closed the text boxes, and just lived. The living was good, but it was lacking. I wasn’t depressed, but I hated that the thing that I loved so much was now lost to me. People made comments about my lack of writing. They knew how much words meant to me. They wondered if I was ok. I was. I just couldn’t make words make sense anymore. And I was busy. I filled my life with other things and moved on. Every once in a while I’d come here and write down some drivel and hit the publish button. And every once in a while I’d look back at what I’d written before the drought, and I would start to feel that lump form in my throat over the death of my words. I tried to stir my artist’s soul by listening to music since it had always been my muse, but the words just made me sad. Sad for what had been and what I didn’t have anymore. So I stopped listening. I thought about taking pictures since that had also been a love of mine, but the pictures came out dull, blurry and without meaning. I didn’t have the heart for trying anymore. I packed the camera away, and I continued to fill my life with other things. Normal things. Church, work, home. That was pretty much how it went. Except church wasn’t always a constant. It was something else that just reminded me of where I had been and how far away from that place I was. I searched my soul and found solace with God. At least he hadn’t left me. I prayed and had to be content to just be without the words. All I could do was continue to trudge along the path. Over hill and dale, across deserts, and through the mire. Me and God. God and me. It was hard but good. A brutal but necessary thing. And wonder of wonders, after a long time the path is getting easier, music is celebrated again, and I am starting to see the sun peeking out from behind the clouds. But what has aroused me most is that I am hearing words to describe the sun. For the first time in a long time, I feel words. They are here. They are here!
swirling and twirling thoughts
leafing out and flowering
like vines climbing
and continuing to grow
captivating spreading
covering the bare places
where emptiness was
now tendrils and twining flow
songs and voices in the air
rustling murmuring breathing
whispers in the wind
fleeting memories blow
capturing the melody
of distant musical notes
sung in hushed voices
words, expressions i know.
I’ve been sitting here listening to some folksie/rocker chicks and feeling something. It’s so hard to describe. I don’t know if it’s worth even trying to put it down, but I have something to say at the end of it all. These women that I’ve been listening to are Christians. And one of them is also gay.
Jennifer Knapp was an award winning Christian musician who took a break from the music field in 2001/02 because of major burn out and just needing a break. Right after her decision to break from the Christian music camp, she met a woman and fell in love. In 2009 she decided to start recording music again and came out publicly in 2010. I love Jennifer Knapp. I loved her back in the day, and now I love her even more. Her honesty at being a Christian and being a lesbian resonates with me. She is both and embraces both. She doesn’t apologize for it.
I’ve also been listening to Margaret Becker. She is also a Christian rock artist with a gritty sound. Margaret is 54 and has been single her whole life. I have no idea how she identifies, but I do know that she is supportive of Jennifer. They are currently on a Christmas music tour together, and I am so sad that they aren’t coming anywhere close to me! Go see them if you can.
And Susan Ashton and Kim Hill…both Christian artists who were married and then divorced. I love their music. It is something.
And I think about who I am and who I’ve become over the last few years. I truly believe with everything in me that I am more in tune with God and Christ than I was before. I think being honest with myself and allowing myself to be who God made me has helped. He hasn’t abandoned me, and I haven’t abandoned Him. It is about worshipping, glorifying, sitting in silence, and crying out. It’s a relationship not a religion. I can’t help it. I have to be this way.
And then I think about her. And although I know where she is and what she’s doing with her life in bits and pieces, I don’t really know. She seems happy. The last several years have been healing ones for her it seems. And even though I have had 2 significant relationships since our time together, the bottom line is they weren’t her. Those feelings are always just under the surface. She is still aways here. “A specter behind every tree…silently shifting, yet following. I carry her with me.” I wonder if she would still love me if she knew me now.
I’m on vacation! For a whole week! And by vacation I guess I actually mean a staycation, but that totally counts as far as I’m concerned!
My original plans for the start of my staycation included a weekend at home and a 3 day juice fast. I just feel the need to cleanse the body every once in a while, and I thought the beginning of the break was the perfect time to start. I’d be done in time for all the holiday cooking I planned to do. But I didn’t account for the whole OH MY GOSH I’M ON VACATION AND I HAVE TIME TO COOK ANYTHING I WANT AND I CAN STAY UP AS LATE AS I WANT AND LET’S GO TO WALMART IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE TO HAVE A BREAD MACHINE AND A NEW MIXER BECAUSE WE NEED HOMEMADE CINNAMON ROLLS WITH CREAM CHEESE ICING AND POTATO SALAD AND HOT CHOCOLATE WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND DID YOU HEAR I’M ON VACATION!!!! feelings I ended up having. And there was no way I could have these OH MY GOSH feelings and then drink juice for 3 days before I could do something about them so I invited Fleur de lis over to share in my staycation excitement. (And honestly the CINNAMON ROLLS WITH CREAM CHEESE ICING was all her idea!) Tator Tot was so excited when she showed up because OH MY GOSH SOMEONE ELSE I CAN LICK AND BARK AT AND CLIMB ON AND NIP AND GENERALLY ANNOY TO DEATH. I’m pretty sure when Fleur de lis went home today she fell into her bed and slept for hours. And I’ve put off the juice cleanse for some amount of time. I still plan to juice because it’s just so good for me, but I needed to celebrate a bit first!
And yes, I bought a bread machine and a mixer last night. Both had been on my list for a while, but last night I just had to have them! I was going to buy a mixer this week anyway since I burned out the motor on my old one, and I have to have one to make the meringue on the pie I plan to make for Thanksgiving, but I didn’t have to have the bread machine. I just know that I love the dough setting on a bread machine! It is a great invention! I rarely bake the actual bread in the machine, but the dough making cycle is a godsend! It takes a bit longer than if I just used a mixer, but I can throw it in and not have to think about it for an hour and a half while I do whatever else I want!
And speaking of STAYING UP AS LATE AS I WANT, I didn’t go to bed until 2am last night! Crazy!! I am usually in bed by 9ish, and although I try to read a few minutes, I usually can’t keep my eyes open for very long. It’s that getting up at 5:15 every morning thing that does me in. I also took a nap today! Gasp! Usually I don’t nap on the weekends because it totally messes with my sleep schedule and I lie awake at night for hours dreading my early morning alarm. I plan to take several more naps this week, because I’m all for living on the edge!
YAY for staycations and cooking and naps and bread machines and good friends to share it all with!
One more week of school and the holidays will officially have arrived. At least that’s when I’m starting to celebrate! I have a week off of school for Thanksgiving and two weeks at Christmas so there will be time for celebrating! The thing is I’m not sure how I plan to celebrate exactly. The kids will be with their dad on a trip for the Thanksgiving break. They will arrive back at my place on Friday evening so I could plan a holiday soiree for Saturday, I guess. I’m sure they will be partied out though, and I might be the only one in the mood for some holiday food. I’ve invited my friend, Fleur de lis, over for Thanksgiving day, but I don’t think I want to make the huge turkey in the freezer for the two of us. There would be leftovers to share with the kids once they arrived, but I almost think I’d rather have nontraditional holiday fare and save the big stuff for Christmas when I will have the kids, aka more people to eat the food. Who knows…certainly not me…I am way to indecisive about stuff like this. I’ll decide in plenty of time to cook whatever it is I decide to cook and that’s good enough for me.
The next order of celebration prepping to think about is the Christmas tree. Last year I threw away the pre lit artificial tree I’d had since 2005 because several sections of light had gone out and no amount of replacing bulbs fixed them. I thought about just stringing more lights on it, but several of the low branches were bent and not very attractive. Up until we moved overseas in 2002, we’d always had a live tree so having an artificial one was almost sinful at first. Now I see the practicality in them! None of the tedious light strand wrapping around the tree. No pine needles on the floor. No unwrapping strands of lights and making an even bigger mess. No figuring out what to do with a dead tree come January 1. But…I love the fresh smell of a tree. And ever since my mom and dad had a real flocked tree at their house one year, I’ve wanted one at my house. I’d always thought they were a bit cheesy and then it was so grand and magnificent and beautiful that I’ve wanted one ever since. So therein lies my dilemma. Flocked fake trees are crazy expensive, but do I go for the nice $180 4.5 foot one and be committed to a little flocked tree for several years? Or do I go for the real 7 footer for about the same price but only get to keep it for one year? One thing about the shorter tree is that I can put it on a low table or something to add height and then add a wreath or something else made from real pine boughs to bring in the freshness. That would keep the dog from chewing on the tree and give me the smell I love. Hm…decisions, decisions.
I’ve just come back to this post after spending an hour on ebay, amazon, and several other shopper’s paradise sites, and now I am in a crazy shopping mood. I am never in a shopping mood! I either need to go back to bed to avoid spending money, or I need to get dressed and get out there! Daylight’s wasting!
(BTW…I just bid on a Kitchenaid mixer on ebay so I guess avoiding spending money while in bed is out of the question, but I blew out my little hand mixer last weekend making bread dough. I knew it was too much for the little guy to handle, but I tried it anyway. I HAD to get something new, and I’ve wanted a Kitchenaid for forever. Now…if only the next 12 hours pass without anyone outbidding me, I’ll be set!)
Update…I didn’t get the mixer which is probably better, because I did spend a little money on a few Christmas decorations yesterday. I’ll just get another hand held mixer for all the holiday cooking I’ll do, and maybe get one next year. It was so pretty though….sigh.
It’s Friday! I can’t tell you how happy I was about that this morning! I was even happier at 4:00 when I could leave school! I brought stuff home to do over the weekend, but I still plan to do a whole lot of nothing as well.
This is the first weekend that I am officially single. Sweet Tea and I weren’t a couple anymore last weekend or the 2 weekends before that, but the logistics of getting her moved took a bit of time. Understandably. So this weekend it’s just me, my kids, and a few friends spending the night. Despite the full house, it is quiet. Calm. It’s the first time that I’ve felt that in quite some time.
I am fairly easy to get along with. I’m laid back and easy going most of the time. I do like a clean and clutter free house. My rule of thumb is if you use it, put it back. If you made a mess, clean it up. And do it right then. I don’t leave a sink full of dishes to be washed the next day. I make my bed, fix the couch pillows when I leave the couch, wind the hose after I’ve watered the yard, put my dirty clothes in the hamper, hang up clean clothes when I take them out of the dryer, and various other tasks that don’t take much time at all. (Maybe a little OCD for some people, but I assure you I don’t white glove test things!) What I realized about myself while Sweet Tea and I lived together is that I stopped doing many of these things. She didn’t do them, so originally I walked behind her and did my stuff and her stuff. After a bit, I stopped picking up after both of us and things got messy. That stressed me out. All I had to do was ask her to pick up her stuff and she did, but something about having to ask bothered me. When we first started dating, I saw that she didn’t care much about those things. She rarely made the bed, let clean clothes sit in a laundry basket, kept dishes in the sink, and had piles of dirty clothes on the floor. It wasn’t a big deal, really. Many people have similar habits. I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open as far as neatness goes, so there were no surprises.
Sweet Tea also had a bit of a temper. If you’ve read her blogs at all, you can see she was never scared to share her opinion on a matter. She didn’t have any problems calling people douche canoes or asshats or lazy. She was, admittedly, abrasive, and she would react out loud to things that bothered her. Her reactions were always just words, but I am a lover of words, and they echoed in my head. And even though I saw that abrasive side fairly quickly after we started dating, I wanted to date her. I didn’t like the abrasiveness, but I tried to ignore it. And then I couldn’t. It seemed to be everywhere. In everything that she said. I know much of that is my perceived idea of what it looked like. But even so, it was enough that I couldn’t handle it anymore. After a bit, I looked at my life and discovered that after two years together, I didn’t like who I had become. I don’t blame her at all. It was me. I was not my best self with her. I let my fear of her reaction to things control me. It was crazy. I rarely saw or hung out with anyone outside of our relationship. I didn’t want to give her any reason to complain or question me. The few times I did see family during the holidays or have coffee with friends caused so much drama that it made me physically ill so I stopped having friends. She didn’t ask me to, but it felt easier somehow.
Sweet Tea was an avid TV watcher. She recorded several shows and watched them in her random free time. When she was watching the TV, I made my kids tiptoe around so as not to disturb her. She hadn’t ever asked me to keep the kids quiet, but I didn’t want there to be any drama so I guessed at what might create it. Sometimes I managed to avoid the drama, but other times I felt like I created it myself quite by accident. To me it felt like drama and conflict were our middle names. I don’t like conflict, but I normally don’t run from it. I can’t stand drama, but I usually avoid it by avoiding those who seem to gravitate towards it. Now I’m not saying that Sweet Tea was dramatic or a terrible, horrible person or even mostly at fault. I know that I am stubborn and like things to be my way, especially when it comes to the house. I know that I can be indecisive and frustrating. I have plenty of my own issues. What I am saying is that together we were drama and conflict. Add 6 kids to that mix and it was too much. Kids walked on eggshells avoiding each other. It wasn’t good. We could have gone to therapy to try to fix it. We did go to 2 sessions, but my heart was no longer in it. I knew that I needed to be free to be me again.
And now I am here, picking up the pieces. I know she is doing the same in her house with her kids. I wish her well.
Weary. That’s my word. It’s not a word I want to use to describe me right now, but it is what I’m feeling so I admit it. I feel bursts of other things throughout my days as well, but right now, in this moment, I am bone tired.
Sweet Tea and her daughter are moving out as I type. Boxes and furniture are being moved to a house across town where they will begin a new chapter. All that’s gone into this happening has worn me out. I wish them the best and hope happiness and love surround them.
School is also a contributing factor to my tiredness. I say that every year! I just know that Thanksgiving never seems to come quick enough and that every year it seems like that whole week off gets shorter and shorter!
I’m also suffering from cold/sinus stuff. That always drains me! I pop vitamin C pills, and fight the good fight, but I still feel like I lose every time!
I went to the doctor recently and had a full set of lab work done. I was wondering if there were any other factors contributing to my tiredness. Nope…none. Other than my cholesterol being a tad high, I was in good shape. I was glad for the good report, but that meant it was all the external stuff going on that was getting to me.
Someone said I wasn’t myself, and they were right. I haven’t been myself lately. But it isn’t hormonal or chemical. It isn’t depression. It is pure exhaustion. I plan to go to bed early this week. Between than and taking the two weekends before Thanksgiving break to rest, I should be ready to take on the holidays with gusto!
For background, read here.
It’s October 27th and my dad called this morning. Of course he did. Two years ago I wondered if he would ever call again. And last year…I honestly can’t remember if he called or not. I think he did. We were talking again. But I didn’t write about it here or mention it later. That surprises me some, but life got busy and I didn’t blog as much. Since this place is the only journal I keep anymore, I’ll never know for sure. But it doesn’t really matter, because he called this year. I am so thankful for my parents. Through it all I still feel blessed to be their child.
Midlife Natalie 