When I came out in 2009, all of my friendships changed. I had a fairly large friend pool which mostly included friends from college, church, and life overseas. I haven’t seen or spoken to most of those friends since 2009. I have kept up with them on Facebook, and we’ve commented back and forth a few times, but there isn’t any face to face interaction anymore. Going from being a Southern Baptist Missionary to a Lesbian changed things. I wasn’t comfortable hanging out with people who were going to love me through it, pray me through it, or try to talk me out of it. I knew it wasn’t a phase and nothing they could say would be any different from what I’d already told myself numerous times during my years long struggle. Accepting that this is who I am was so freeing. Sometimes I feel bad that I haven’t talked to my friends, but then I remind myself that, for the most part, they haven’t tried to contact me either. Friendship goes both ways, and I think we were all uncomfortable with trying to wade through the differences.
Since coming out I’ve made some new friends. Some are from my old job and some I met at a campground several years ago. But that’s basically it. My friend pool is definitely small. And these new friends are great and would do anything for me, but we don’t see each other all that much because of distance and time.
Since that day in 2009, I’ve dated 3 women. The first talked about having friends, but I only ever met one person and that was when we happened to run into her while we were out. All of our time was spent with just each other. I missed having couple friends and people to hang out with. She didn’t seem to mind it too much though.
The second girlfriend had friends that she brought to the relationship. We would visit them or hang out with them some, but none of them lived close so when our relationship ended, so did my contact with her friends for the most part. We did make the camp friends together, but they weren’t big fans of the ex so we didn’t hang with them much after a while. When we were breaking up, they called to make sure I was safe, and we were friends again.
And that brings me to Candied Jansen. We aren’t just dating. We are married! She is my wife! We plan to do life together. She brought several friends to the relationship. We hang out with them some, but again, distance and time make it hard for me to nurture relationships with them. I enjoy them and they all seem to like me, but it will take time to grow those relationships.
So now what? Candied Jansen and I have talked about making friends. We want to have people we can hang out with. We joined a Mardi Gras crew last year thinking it would be a good place to meet people and make some friends, but we haven’t been to a single event since that Mardi Gras celebration. We’ve gotten the calendar and talked about going to different things, but we’ve never actually followed through. The main problem is that all the events are held in Galveston which is over an hour away. And it’s hard to talk ourselves into going to their regular meetings on a Tuesday evening when we get home from work. We do plan to go to the Mardi Gras celebration this year, but we aren’t sure if we want to renew our membership. Will we commit to participating more?
We have met a couple of people close by, but it’s still early in the relationships.
Trying to figure out how to make new friends as an adult is hard!