Author Archives: midlifenatalie

It’s an emblem that can be political, but at the same time is a beautiful flower…a lily or an iris.  It’s artistic and regal.  It’s been on flags, coins, coats of arms, and in various artwork all throughout history.  Old and new people groups have used it for various purposes which makes it meaningful and versatile.  My favorite thing about it though is that it is often used on a compass rose to mark north.  And if you know where north is you can’t ever get lost.

I used this picture in that post, 

As I’ve taken this journey over the past 4 years, I’ve often found myself wondering which way I should go and I’ve thought about that picture.  How it reminds me to look at my life’s compass.  I’m no longer sitting still at the crossroads.  I’m moving forward.  Heading north.

Kaitlyn/lesbo commented on the post containing that picture saying that it would be a great tattoo.  I’ve never forgotten that.

On January 1, 2014, I did it.
The perfect beginning to a new year.

I wrote a post on this blog back in 2009 that I need to change/clarify.  In that post I was choosing a nickname for my friend who ended up becoming my girlfriend.  I thought long and hard about what to call her and where I was in life played a huge role in my choice.

“As I thought about what to call her here, at least for now, I thought that Fleur-de-lis was perfect.”

That term, while appropriate for her, came to mean so much more to me than a nickname for someone who was important to me.  It came to signify much of my transformation and the direction I was headed.  And while she is no longer my girlfriend, she is still extremely important to me.  She is someone I know I can count on no matter what.  She was there for me during a hugely strange and chaotic time in my life and was a major champion of my self-discovery.  We enjoy each other and I look forward to having a front row seat to her accomplishments!  She thinks it’s somewhat silly to have nicknames for people on my blog, but I don’t like using real names.  And since the word Fleur de lis is more of a representation of my journey than a definition of who she is, I want to change her nickname.  From now on, she will be called Chicory Root.  Partly because it makes me smile and partly because of this…

Chicory root has a long history of providing support to liver problems. Ancient Romans used the herb to help cleanse the blood. Egyptians were known to consume chicory root in large amounts to help purify the liver and the blood. It’s popular today as a caffeine free replacement for coffee- you may have tried it if you’ve visited New Orleans.

I’ve highlighted the verbs because they remind me of her, Chicory Root.  Everyone needs a friend like that!

Fleur de lis and I went to New Orleans to ring in the new year, but I am way too tired to post about it right now.  The trip did get me thinking about one of our last trips to the Big Easy where all we did was eat.  I wrote about the culinary adventure that it turned out to be after we returned.  I thought about reposting that post here, but I am way too tired to even do that.  I do want to link it for your reading enjoyment, though.  I think I gained 10 pounds on that trip.  I wish I was kidding!

How to Eat Your Way Across NOLA

And for the record, Fleur de lis and I are just friends.  She thinks people will have a hard time believing that.  I don’t know why.  Lesbians have friends, too!

Resolutions.  I don’t like them.  Actually it’s not the resolutions I have a problem with, it’s the word resolution.  I don’t know what to make of it.  I can read a definition of the word and understand exactly what it means, but my brain wants to break it down.  I see the word solve which means that there is a problem.  I also see the prefix re which means again or backward.  So either I’m solving a problem again or I’m solving the problem by going backwards.  This doesn’t seem productive at all!   I know I’m not looking at the word correctly, but even so I can’t get past my made up definition.  So instead of resolutions I am making a few lifestyle changes.

1.  My health.  I have completely been lazy about taking care of myself lately.  I did a fairly decent job this summer and into the beginning of the school year, but lately I haven’t even really thought about it.  My health goal will incorporate losing some weight, taking the dog on daily walks as exercise for us both, drinking more water, and possibly cutting back on Diet Coke.  I’m not planning for that last part, but if I drink more water, maybe I’ll naturally drink less Diet Coke.  Here’s hoping!

2.  My finances.  I was once nicknamed the Budget Nazi because I used to plan down to the penny where the money was going.  I loved seeing things being paid off and savings accounts growing.  The past two months have been a bit of a stretch for me financially.  I paid the bills and then had to dip into the savings account for a few things.  I know that some of that money is considered my emergency fund, but I definitely used it for nonemergency purchases as well.  I am a huge Dave Ramsey fan when it comes to ideas about money, and I agree with his theory that if you don’t tell money where to go, you won’t know where it went.  And the past 2 plus months, I haven’t budgeted at all!  I paid the bills and then haphazardly spent.  Starting with my first January paycheck the Budget Nazi will be making a comeback!  I look forward to being that strict about my finances again!  It is honestly more freeing to know that you don’t have the money to buy extra goodies than to have the internal debate with yourself over whether you should buy something or not.

3.  My creative side.  Over the past few years, I have seen my creative side wax and wane more than normal.  I went from writing daily on one blog or another to barely taking the time to write at all.  I also have pinned several fairly simple projects to pinterest and then promptly forgotten about them.  I want to create again.  I plan to tackle a project a month.  I also plan for all of them to be fairly easy.

Ok…now that I look back on my goals for the new year, I see myself using the words again, once, comeback, and lately and I’m realizing that maybe resolution is the perfect word for what I plan to do!

A friend and I were talking about “famous” people on twitter.  It started off with her telling me how shocked she was that so and so followed her just out of the clear blue.  I had no idea who so and so was, but my friend is working on a movie project so she follows and knows people in that industry.  She wasn’t star struck, just surprised over the follow.  I told her that my 14 year old daughter just about had a heart attack in the car earlier that day when Jerome Jarre favorited a tweet written by her best friend.  She had no idea who Jerome Jarre was, and honestly, I don’t either, but my daughter was about to hyperventilate because it was such a big deal.

All of that got me thinking.  Who do I know on twitter that’s considered “famous”?  I’m twitter friends with several people who’ve gained some attention for their writing which has since morphed into some semblance of fame for them.  I am thrilled for them!  I would love to have lunch with some of them someday, but I felt that way before they were recognized.  I loved them because they shared their stories.

Then I started thinking about all of the other twitter/blogging friends I would love to meet for lunch and hear their stories, and that list is long!  Some are “famous” in the true sense of the word and some are just rockstars in their own houses, but both are equally awesome to me!

Here are a few (and by no means is this a comprehensive list) people I would love to meet.  If I’m ever in the same town as these folks, I expect a lunch date, to meet for drinks, or a nod in my general direction.  Give me something people!

Neil Kramer – I’ve followed Neil and his blog since 2007.  The stories written by his penis made me a tad uncomfortable at first, because, well, I didn’t really want to think about any penises at all at that point.  Penises were part of my problem and his was just so out there.  I participated in both Great Interview Experiments he offered on his blog and have instant messaged with him back in the days of Yahoo instant messaging.  (Do people still do that?)  (Neil, do you even remember that?  I think it was sometime in 2008, because I was in Turkey at that time.)

Brittany Gibbons – I have known Brittany since 2008.  She was the Barefoot Foodie back in the day and still ashamed of her body.  She was just as gorgeous then as she is now, but she’d never have believed it.  I absolutely loved how she announced that she was pregnant with Gigi.  She still holds the record for owning the biggest computer monitor I have ever seen!  I made up a story of how we met back on my old blog and I have absolutely loved watching her grow over the last several years!

Casey Carey-Brown and family – I haven’t been reading Casey long, but I love how excited she is about writing!  And that Roozle is so cute!

Vinyl Villager (Not a big tweeter, but his stories about his mama are some of the funniest things I’ve ever read!)

Will Stegemann and Nina Bargiel – I met Will through Neil’s Great Interview Experiment, and he intrigued me.  His lovely wife is just as intriguing so I was thrilled when I moved back from Turkey so I could watch the live weekly video chat they did together without having to get up at the crack of dawn.   Also, Will’s 3 Tweet Stories were genius.  And his dog follows me on Twitter.

Heather Spohr – I’ve read Heather for a long time now and feel like she is one of the good ones.  Seeing her commitment to her family and friends is refreshing!  I don’t think I’ve ever read a negative word from her!  I will never forget waking up that morning in April, 2009 and checking on little Maddie Spohr.  She was sick and in the hospital, but she had always pulled through before.  This time she didn’t.  I was forever changed.  I feel privileged to be able to read about the Spohrs and their beautiful and hilariously funny children!!

Sarah – I’ve read her through her last year at college, through a break-up, through meeting Mr. RH, and the wedding that followed.  She is the only person I’ve ever “known” who is a true shopper.  She amazes me!  She does something I can’t stand to do and makes it look fun!

Cameron Esposito – Funny lesbian comedian who makes me laugh.  I enjoy laughing so I thought it might be fun to laugh over drinks.  Or lunch.  I’m not picky.

Arngrim – Because she was Nellie Oleson!  That’s a good enough reason right there!  And she has attitude which I love!

Drae Campbell – Because of this and this.

DJ – who doesn’t have a twitter account as far as I know, but her blog has always been a must read for some reason.  Something about packing up and leaving everything and everyone and starting over felt so raw.

Those people up there are in no particular order.  Just people I thought of off the top of my head.  I then spent over an hour looking for and linking to relevant posts about them.  And here are a few more sans links.  Chely Wright, Chrisor Babe, Jennie McNulty, Fr. Shay, Sarah Pepper, MomoFali, Juli Ryan, jeezlouise, Sara Gilbert, Kristy Sammis, Karla Archer, Casey Mullins

OMG…I have to stop.  There are about 100 more people I could put on this list!  And I could spend hours linking to them, but you get the point.  We are all interesting and have amazing stories to tell!

I don’t care if I ever achieve any sort of fame.  I like to write here and there, but I’ve never been recognized for it.  I’ve promoted myself some but not for fame or recognition.  I said something that seemed important somehow and needed to be heard.  

I recently commented on a tweet asking who all planned to keep blogging in 2014.  So many blogs have died because of various other social media outlets, that the future of blogging seems uncertain.  I love it here.  Even when I don’t write that much I still love it.  I still read back over posts just to see where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.  I don’t dwell on the past, but I read it like it’s meant to be read.  Like history.  I still have the blog I wrote while I lived overseas.  I love it!  I have the secret blog I wrote when I was in the midst of my first love affair with a girl.  It is steamy and painful and enlightening.  It’s my story.

When I was little I used to love to visit my grandmother in Southern Arkansas.  I always slept in her bed with her, and every night I begged her to tell me stories from when she was little.  I had a few favorites.  The time their cat had kittens under the house.  The time she carried her grandmother’s knitting from one house to another when they moved.  The time when her older brother died.  Stories about swimming in the pond.  So many good stories.  I wish she had taken the time to write some of them down.  I would love to read them today.

So all you famous and not so famous people.  Since I can’t pop by for lunch or drinks, tell me a story!  I’m a good listener!

Now that the official festivities have passed, and since I’ve gotten several twitter messages and emails asking, I thought I’d let you know how things went with my family.

Fine.  Seriously…it was no big deal.  My sister and her family pulled up at my parents just seconds after we did.  I was reintroduced to her 4 that she adopted just over a year ago.  I met them once back in 2009 or 2010 but hadn’t seen them since.  My sister gave me a hug just like she gave everyone else a hug.  We all sat around and made casual conversation and laughed at stupid stuff like normal.  We ate at the same table and were perfectly fine.  When we left I gave her a hug just like I gave everyone else a hug.

Yesterday was the anniversary party.  I hugged my sister when I got there and things progressed exactly the same as at Christmas.  Normal, family time.  When the party was winding down we all hugged and left.

It was really like nothing had happened between us.  The only strange part was seeing my sister and brother-in-law with their 4 new kids.  They already had 3 and the oldest two knew me before.  The youngest has been around me off and on over the years so she knew who I was.  Watching the new kids being so comfortable with everyone in the family was interesting since I have never seen them with my family as their family.  It was actually quite lovely.

So that was it.  Absolutely nothing crazy to report, but that really doesn’t surprise me.  I honestly didn’t think there would be.  I couldn’t imagine anyone doing anything crazy or mean.  It would have been so out of character for them!

Because I know I’ll be seeing many of you over the next several days I thought I would write a letter explaining a few things.

It’s been 4 years since I came out to my family.  A lot has happened in those 4 years that many of you have no clue about.  Much of that is my fault, because I spent the last several years ignoring you.  I feared rejection from those who had been major players in my life so I saved myself from the pain of it by avoiding you guys.  I know it wasn’t really fair, but I was having a hard time accepting myself at the time. Sorry.

I just wanted you to know that I’m doing great!  I’ve learned a lot over the last 4 years, and I wanted to share some of it with you.  When you see me, don’t be afraid to talk to me and don’t wonder who I am.  I am still the same person you knew before.  That was the hardest lesson for me to learn.  I thought I had to be someone different, because I was gay.  I went to a gay club a couple of times, and it was so not me!  I hadn’t ever been to any kind of club before, so I’m not sure why I thought a gay club was something I’d enjoy!  It wasn’t.  The music was too loud, and the patrons were packed in so tight I could barely breathe.  No thanks!  I haven’t shaved my head or gotten unusual piercings to proclaim my gayness.  I do, however, think bald is beautiful and if I looked good with no hair, I’d be all over that look, but I would have done that well before I came out.  Oh well.  I still haven’t ever done drugs.  I wouldn’t have done them before, and I have no plans to start doping up now.  Not interested.  I did go to a drag show a year or so ago, but considering the male youth leader in my church in high school dressed up in drag to play Vanna White in a skit once, it really wasn’t anything new to me. And I’d watched enough episodes of MASH and Bosom Buddies as a kid to know what men dressed up like women looked like.

Remember that girl who loved climbing the big magnolia tree in her backyard?  That’s me.  The one who rode her bike all over the neighborhood…me.  The girl who cried when she didn’t make the drill team her sophomore year in high school and was thrilled when she made it her junior year…me.  The girl who alphabetized the books on her shelf and made library like cards so when friends borrowed a book she knew who had what.  Yeah…that’s me.  The girl who moved around so much as a kid that she practically knew half her college freshman class because she’d gone to school or church with them at some point…still me.

I still love to camp and fish and dance around my living room.  I can still devour a good book and a good cookie!  I struggle with my weight and what to wear just like I always did.  I have always been indecisive because I don’t want to miss out on something great.  I love to cook, but hate to clean it all up.  I do it though, because as much as I hate to clean up my mess, I can’t stand to walk into a dirty kitchen even more.  Yep, that’s me.  I’m picky about my stuff and organize my closet by color.  I love my computer, my file cabinet, and my shredder.  My kids call me a neat freak, and I just wish that more of it rubbed off on them!

I’ve been married and divorced, had kids, been room mother, baked cookies, patched skinned knees, spoken in front of crowds, and prayed in the quiet of my room.  I’ve lived in the good ol’ US of A and a country on the other side of the world.  I’ve laughed, cried, spoken in anger and showed compassion.  I loved and lost, felt great joy and deep anguish, and still, I’m the same person.  I’ve definitely become wiser with all the wear, but deep down…that girl that you knew, the one you were friends with, the one whose faith in God meant everything to her…she’s still here.  That’s me.  

The only thing that is different is that someday I might fall in love with someone who is the same gender as me.  I can assure you that I won’t be able to help it, and I won’t apologize for it.   And hopefully, if I’m lucky, she’ll love me back.  That me that I’ve described up there, because that’s who I am.  I can’t be anyone else.

My sister called me a couple of days ago because she wanted to talk about Christmas and how we’re both going to be there for the first time in 4 years.  She wanted me to know that she is still sad that I’ve chosen to live outside God’s will and that she hasn’t changed her mind about how she feels.  She said that she had been praying about it and reading the bible and had come to the conclusion that she needed to follow the lead of 1 Cor. 13.  The love chapter.  At the end of the verses on love it says that love bears all things.  Some versions say endures all things or circumstances.  She also said that everyone in the family knows how she feels about me and my situation.  That she loves me, but doesn’t think I am following God.  That she could continue to not spend holidays and occasions with me, but that it doesn’t seem necessary anymore.  Anything she says now will just be a loud gong or clanging cymbal in their ears.  So we will be together for the holidays.  She will endure it for the sake of the family.  She still loves me, but she knows that things will never be the same between us again.  She also said she knew it was going to be a little uncomfortable since we hadn’t been together for so long.  I told her that I wasn’t going to do or say anything to make her uncomfortable.  That I was glad that everyone would be together and looked forward to the family time.  That was basically all I said.  I am me and everyone knows that I am still the same person.  After I came out, everyone was a little uncomfortable at first, me included.  Actually, I had been uncomfortable for the 2 Christmases before because I knew what was coming.  I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin anymore because I was living a lie.  But we’ve managed to muddle through and now it doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore.  She missed all that muddling.  Hopefully the rest of the family won’t act weird because we are together again. Hopefully we can all just act normal.  Or normal for us.

I am a little disappointed though.  I guess that means the “I Am Gay” dance routine that I had planned is out!  And I’ll have to rewrap all those gifts I wrapped in Rainbow paper.  Man…

Today was an interesting day.  It was the last day of school before Christmas, and now I have 2 glorious weeks off!  What was interesting was my lack of reaction to having a 2 week break.

At Thanksgiving, I could barely control my excitement!  I wrote this post, and if I had been honest, the entire post would have been in all caps instead of just parts of it!  That’s how excited I was!  I was so excited to have a whole week off of school, and I couldn’t wait to cook and eat and sleep and live it up.

For some reason, I don’t feel the same way about the 2 weeks at Christmas.  All I can figure is that, while I am very happy to be having a break, it hasn’t been that long since Thanksgiving so I don’t feel the need to party.  Also, the three weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas at school are filled with so much holiday stuff, that I am almost tired of Christmas before it ever happens!  And in general, Christmas is so much more work!  All the decorating, present buying and figuring out how we are celebrating, where we will be and when, and the general mayhem involved just make it a little more stressful.  For Thanksgiving all I have to do is cook.  If I want to decorate I can, but it isn’t a required holiday tradition.

When I lived overseas, Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday.  Celebrating this very American/Canadian holiday was one of the highlights of our year.  (I include the Canadians in this because we had Canadian friends who always hosted a Canadian Thanksgiving in October.  So technically we celebrated twice!)  Weeks were spent scouring cooking magazines for recipes to try.  Something about procuring whole turkeys and having friends on the military base give us sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce made the holiday more special.  There were always hoards of people invited to our Thanksgiving celebrations as well, and many of them weren’t from countries that even celebrated Thanksgiving.  It was like a worldwide Thanksgiving celebration!  In 2006 we were back in the states for Thanksgiving, the first one we’d had with family in 5 years, but I missed celebrating with the hodgepodge of friends in Turkey.  I felt like we were missing something important by not being there.

The kids and I moved back to the states the week before Thanksgiving in 2008, and my wasband came back the first week of December.  I was dealing with so much at the time that Thanksgiving overseas wasn’t missed at all that year.  Over the last 5 years, Thanksgiving has definitely looked different.  The celebrants have numbered between 2 and 6, much smaller than the 33 people who celebrated with me in 2007.  But it was good.  And again, I didn’t really miss the overseas celebration.  I think I knew that part of my life was over.  The memories were great, but I had to live in the here and now.

I still love Thanksgiving the best.  I know the story of the first Thanksgiving is steeped in tradition and avoids the horrific crimes committed against the Native Americans by the pilgrims to this country, but for me Thanksgiving has nothing to do with any of them.  I count my blessings and love the quality time with family and friends without all the hype of gifts and decorations.

That can wait till the day after Thanksgiving when people put their lives at risk for a new stuff!  (BTW – I have no desire to ever go Black Friday Shopping.  Just putting that out there!)