Author Archives: midlifenatalie

Look it’s a post!  Two in one week.  Crazy!

1.  Thanks.  

I just wanted to thank all those who read here and commented or emailed.  You guys are great!  The funny thing about all of it is that I know I have friends.  People have called, emailed, shown up at work, and left messages wherever they could to tell me they love me.  I wasn’t complaining that nobody liked me.  I just needed to step back from my social life some as I tried to figure out what I need.  I need those friends.  I need that social life.  I just needed a break from all of it.  After countless messages on facebook I finally posted a status update thanking everyone for being so great and letting them know I would be back.  There are a few of those friends who I have no doubt will love me no matter what.  Some of the others may have issues with my sexuality.  I can understand if they do.  Some of them may choose to admonish me over it all.  Some may just write me off all together.  It’s those last two that I’m not quite ready for.  I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle a severe tongue lashing over my choice.  I already had one from my sister.  I handled it ok, but I’m not ready to have a line of people doing the same thing.  I also know that there are new friends to be made.  I can’t wait!  

2.  Christmas.  

My parents debated how to handle our family Christmas celebration this year.  My sister doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and has informed the family that she will not attend any event where I am invited.  This posed a problem at Christmas as you can imagine.  Normally my whole family gathers at my parent’s house on Christmas eve.  We get together to share a meal and open presents that night.  Later we all retreat to our own homes and have Santa and stockings the next morning.  This year they decided to have the normal Christmas celebration sans me.  I was fully supportive of this.  I certainly didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.  My kids attended with their dad.  I also encouraged this.  I didn’t want them to miss out on the fun.  I will confess to a few tears over it, but I knew it was the right thing to do.  

Before anyone says anything negative about it all I have to say my parents are wonderful.  They didn’t want me to miss out on Christmas so they decided that on Christmas day they would have a meal as well.  This one was for me.  Both of my brothers and their families were invited as well.  I wasn’t sure if they would come since I hadn’t seen one of them since I came out.  I didn’t know how he would react.  When I arrived at the house my mom gave me a hug and started to cry.  Of course that made me tear up as well.  Then both brothers came.  It was so nice to have that family time.  I know my sister was missing.  At one point we were joking at dinner, and I mentioned my sister.  I was telling a story about something we had done when we were younger.  I think it surprised my brothers that I could talk about her and be ok.  I don’t like that she won’t see me, but I don’t hate her.  I will always be available if she wants me in her life again.  Always.

Ok…that’s it.

I heard a song this week that made me think.  Tim McGraw’s song Southern Voice has the line, “Come on in. I’m sure glad to know ya.” in it.  For some reason I really heard that line.  My grandmother used to say that.  I like it.  When compared to, “It’s nice to meet you.” it sounds warmer.  Friendlier.  More intimate.  I guess it wouldn’t be an appropriate thing to say to everyone you meet for the first time, but I think there are times when those words might be exactly what someone needs to hear.  They communicate a willingness to get to know someone.  

I think we all have a desire to be known and loved.  Sometimes that desire is buried deep.  We’ve been known and hurt by those close to us so we hide ourselves from people.  We try to protect ourselves by not letting people see us.  We are scarred and scared.  Every time we open up to someone we are putting ourselves at risk of being hurt again.  And we will be hurt again.  People are people.  They will do stuff that hurts us.  Some of it will be intentional.  Most of it won’t be.  It’s the knowing when to trust someone and when to let them go that’s hard for me.  I tend to be an open book.  If you ask something I will tell you.  I don’t have a problem letting myself be known for the most part.  Sure there are some things that I am tight-lipped about, but mostly I don’t mind letting people get to know me.  

Since leaving my husband and filing for divorce I’ve put almost all the people who really know me aside.  I don’t plan to never talk to them again, but I’m not ready to hear what some of them might say.  It feels strange…this lack of friends.  

I do have Fleur de lis.  And thank goodness I have her.  She’s been amazing during it all.  And oh so very patient with me.  Thank goodness.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post.  It’s just stuff that I’ve been thinking.  And for some reason there are tears in my eyes over it all.  And just in case you were wondering this post isn’t about anyone in particular.  It wasn’t because of any event.  I just heard a song that made me think.

“…But it gradually seemed to me that I’d made myself believe something that wasn’t true.  I’d made myself believe that I was fine and happy and fulfilled on my own without the love of anyone else.  Being in love was like China: you knew it was there, and no doubt it was very interesting, and some people went there, but I never would.  I’d spend all my life without ever going to China, but it wouldn’t matter, because there was all the rest of the world to visit… And I thought: am I really going to spend the rest of my life without feeling that again?  I thought:  I want to go to China.  It’s full of treasures and strangeness and mysteries and joy.

~Phillip Pullman

Gosh darn it I want to blog. I don’t feel like there is time enough to do all that I need to do as it is. Blogging has definitely taken a back seat these past couple of months. I hate that. This weekend I had time to blog. I just didn’t have the strength. I had a lingering cough from my last illness that developed into a cold on Thursday. By Saturday night I had a full-fledged sinus infection. Everything from my teeth up hurt like hell. I don’t know that I had ever had one that bad before. I slept/suffered all day on Sunday. I called work on Sunday night and told them that I couldn’t come in on Monday…that I had to go to the doctor. I hated to miss a day of work, because if I miss work I don’t get paid. I knew there was no way I could make it at work though. By the time my appointment rolled around at 3 in the afternoon I thought I was dying. A shot and three prescriptions later I headed home to do more sleeping. When I woke up on Tuesday I felt like a new person. Still coughing and still stopped up some, but the pain was gone. I went to work. I came home. I figured after a mostly full day of work I would be exhausted. Oh no. I was wide awake. I guess sleeping for 2 straight days does that to a person. So this morning after about 4 hours of sleep I went back to work. I came home and spent about 3 hours with my Fleur de lis. I won’t be able to see her for the next few days because our schedules are both so crazy. I hate that. (We plan to do some Christmas celebrating next week.  You know…New Year’s style!)  After she left I braved the traffic and the stores to finish up my Christmas shopping. I came home. And my head tells me I should be tired, but I’m not. At this point I will get 6 hours of sleep before I once again have to be up for work. Yep…working on Christmas Eve. I’m beginning to think a teaching job is in my future. I might as well use that degree I earned. At least I’ll have a few paid sick days AND a break at Christmas.

Yeah…a boring blog post. Did you miss me?

Here…let me make it up to you. This should make you smile!

I totally need to have another baby so I can buy one of these. I giggle every time I see this picture.

I haven’t blogged in 2 weeks.  I have had many thoughts that would have been blog worthy, but I haven’t had time to do anything about them.  Take today for example.  I left my apartment this morning at 6 am.  I arrived back at 7:45 pm.  I put a few things away, started a load of laundry and got ready for bed.  I’m sitting on my bed with my computer in hand, yet I still don’t have time to blog.  If I go to bed now I will get 7 hours of sleep before I have to be up.  Tomorrow is an early work day for me.  Maybe things will slow down some this weekend.  I can’t wait for Friday afternoon to get here.  Goodnight.

I used to keep an anonymous blog.  It was the place I used to deal with all that was going on with me before I could say it aloud.  I was reading back over some of those posts today and found this one from August 2008.  I thought it was worth sharing.  These thoughts are the reason my blog is called Midlife Natalie.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about mid-life. I am 39. Of course I have no idea what part of my life I am currently living. I could be in the latter years of my life. I could be in the middle. I might live to be 100 which would give me a few more years before the actual middle of my life. I guess I’ve been thinking mostly about the crazy things people do when they are in mid-life. The things others label crises. In recent months I’ve done some of those things that people might tag with the crisis label. I got a tattoo. I have a new hobby. I am questioning those things I’ve always believed. I must be having a mid-life crisis. But I wonder. How come crisis is a bad word? When I looked it up I actually liked the definition. The first definition said, “a time of intense difficulty, trouble or danger.” I wasn’t so crazy about that definition. There were others though. “A time when a difficult or important decision must be made.”  “The turning point of a disease when an important change takes place, indicating either recovery or death.”  “The point in a play or story when a crucial conflict takes place, determining the outcome of the plot.”  I am happy with all of those definitions. I feel that I am in that exact spot. It is time to make an important decision. One that will determine the outcome of my life story. And I don’t feel like I am in crisis mode. I am quite calm actually. I think that there are many reasons that people experience mid-life crises. I don’t think that most of them are because they are falling apart, or scared to get old, or wishing they were young again. I think for most of us mid-life gives us cause for reflection. When we were young we lived our lives differently than we are living them now. We were invincible. Naive. Crowd followers. People pleasers. Or maybe I am just describing myself. I lived the life I thought I was supposed to live. A life I chose to live. One I was perfectly happy living. I followed in my parents footsteps. I did what was expected of me and was content. I was practical and reasonable. Now I look back on those choices and wonder. Oh, there is no way I would change them now. I got married one month after I finished college. I had a baby 2 years later. Then another one. And another one. And one more.  I chose to do all of those things. I’m glad I did. I do think I was lost for awhile during that time. I was willing to sacrifice myself for the sake of those kids. I still am. But now I wonder why I did not do anything for me. I’ve always wanted to take a dance class. I did in high school. I did some in college. Once I got married I guess I forgot to take care of me. I couldn’t take a dance class. I was married and had babies. When was there time to dance? And paint. I’ve always been interested in taking a painting class. But I couldn’t just go off and take a painting class. Now that I am 39 and my kids are all in school I can do those things. I didn’t when they first went to school, because I felt like it was too late. But now I am rethinking my stance on that. It is never to late to learn something new. I want to take a dance class. I want to learn how to paint. I got a tattoo. I might even do something else that people would consider crazy. But it is not because I am having a crisis. It is because I have discovered something. It is never too late to change your mind. It is never too late to start a new hobby. I am not in crisis mode. I am in discovery mode. I am having a mid-life discovery. And why the hell not!

A couple of posts ago I said something about participating in the Great Interview Experiment. Well I finally got my act together and questioned my victim interviewee. FatBoyFat is from the Motherland, Great Britain, and his blog is Make Lard History. He enjoys long walks on the beach, dinner by candlelight, and…oh…wait…let me let him tell you about himself.

1. Ok…let’s start with the obvious question. Your screenname…Fatboyfat…and your blog title…Make Lard History give me the impression that this blog is all about your weight or your diet. I’ve read some of your early posts and while that seems to be your initial intention your blog isn’t about that anymore. If you were to give a description of your blog what would you say it’s about? Now that you’ve been blogging for a couple of years do you have any goals for your blog?

I realised fairly early on that repeated posts containing exercise regimes, recipes or simply pictures of my feet on the bathroom scales would be lacking in entertainment, so I broadened the remit of Make Lard History. So now it’s a rather random collection of writing exercises, observations, short stories, commentary and the occasional semi-lucid rant. The theme is ‘There Is No Theme’. I’m still not entirely sure if that’s a good idea, two years later.

It would be nice to have a goal, I suppose. I’ve never really thought about it much as I never really expected much from the process at the outset. I enjoy writing, and if other people are vaguely entertained by the end result, that’s a bonus.

2. You mentioned attending your brother’s civil ceremony in a post back in August of 2007. You also said something about attending Pride weekend in February 2008. I may be completely wrong, but I assume that your brother is gay and that you are fully supportive of him. As a newly somewhat out gay woman with no family support I would love to hear how you felt about it all. If it was a process for you or not. Also how does your country/city differ from America in the way the glbt community is treated?

I’m very lucky in that I was raised in a household that didn’t seem all that concerned about labels. I’m the youngest of three, and I guess I’ve known that brother no. 2 was gay since my early teens. You just pick up on things, so it’s been an integral part of him for as long as I can remember. So while I’m fully supportive it doesn’t change the way I think about him one iota. He’s the same person with whom I walked to school, shared a bedroom and played cricket in the garden. It’s just that he prefers men. It’s a characteristic – and clearly an important one for those involved – but I don’t have any hang-ups about it. It helps that he has good taste in men – his partner is a genuinely lovely bloke and a welcome addition to the family (although he does deserve early sainthood for putting up with my brother)!

Katie and I go to things like Pride partly because we have several gay and lesbian friends but also because it’s just such a good day out. There’s lots to do, it’s a bit of a giggle and there’s none of the bad atmosphere you sometimes get when alcohol and crowds are involved. We’ve been able to take other friends who’d never previously been exposed to the GLBT community and they really enjoyed themselves. It’s just a good day out with friends.

I said at the start of this answer that I was lucky. That’s because our early upbringing taught us that character was far more important as a measure of an individual than other factors like sexuality, skin colour or religion. And while I think British society has become far more accepting in recent years, there are still some pockets of intolerance. Not everyone had the same commonsense as my parents. There are some media outlets that don’t help – as an example I wrote about the Daily Mail and its readership twice in October this year.

An example: we’ve had legal civil partnerships in the UK for a few years now. The very people who bang on constantly about the sanctity of marriage, and about how important it is for people to commit to a formalised relationship, would willingly turn around to one sector of society and say “Not for you lot, though.” Ironic.

3. You talk about beer quite a bit on your blog. What is your favorite beer and what is it you like about it? Also…when you were in the states did you have a chance to try any of our beers? Did you like them?

Yes, I suppose beer’s been my downfall! Going out and socialising involves pubs, and pubs involve beer, I suppose. I can be a bit of a bore on the subject so I’ll keep it brief, though. I adore traditional English real ales, such as bitter, or at this time of year, porter. It’s thick, dark and comforting. When I visited the States I very much enjoyed Samuel Adams ales. Quite a bit, actually. Clearly I have no repressed bad feelings over the Revolution!

4. One of your recent post was a wonderful little short story about Travellers. You also wrote a story about Flant Day. Genius! Are there more? Have you ever had anything published? If not is that a goal of yours or are you writing them just for fun?

Thank you! I’ve written a number of short stories but for some reason I haven’t labelled them very well on the blog. I’ll go back and do that. I quite like the idea of starting with an unlikely situation and developing it from there. Or setting out from a familiar place and then twisting it. I’d quite like to have something published but there are so many good writers out there I’m under no illusions about it. It’s mainly for fun – and I get a huge kick if other people like what I write. If it gets published, that’s a bonus.

5. For the last 3 years you’ve participated in NaBloPoMo cranking out a post every day in the month of November. Every other month you seem to write less than half of that. How hard is it for you to come up with something to post everyday? Do you feel pressure or do the words come easy?

NaBloPoMo is quite a tough challenge for me – every year I say I’ll never do it and my wife tells me I’ll kick myself if I don’t. Or she will. I do struggle to post generally, as I want to put things up that I like and that other people might appreciate. This year has been harder than most as I lost my Dad at the end of December 2008 and, quite frankly, it knocked me sideways. I struggled to concentrate on anything, including the blog. Although Katie has been around to give me a kick. I know my place. I’d really like to try and do something every other day if I could, as long as I don’t resort to putting pictures of my cat on there.

6. I’ve been back in the states for a year now after living in Turkey for the previous seven years. One of the things I noticed while I lived overseas was that visiting Americans totally stood out. They were usually loud and somewhat obnoxious. Anytime we were going to have guests come visit we gave them a short cultural lesson so as not to offend the locals. What cultural lessons would you give to Americans coming to visit your country? Also are there any interesting non-touristy things you would suggest for them to do?

I have to say that most Americans I’ve met, in real life and online, have been delightful. I know, I’m such a flatterer. However I’m afraid some Brits can be lousy travellers too! But anyway, what could I say to someone from America travelling to Britain? We’re not all massively repressed these days, but please don’t be upset if a Brit doesn’t want to know your life story. You might think he’s not being very warm, receptive or friendly. But that’s really not the case. If ‘avoiding a fuss’ was an Olympic sport, we’d win gold medals any time. We even get nervous about people raising their voices in public places. But once you know that, it’s really quite easy to blend in, and if you set yourself up in a good pub (it’s always the beer for me!), perhaps in a small market town away from the tourist traps you can have a great night people-watching and listening to the banter. Not the same as the Changing of the Guards, but it’s certainly something different.

7. Any last words?

Thank you for these questions – I hope I haven’t bored your readers to death with my answers. I’ve been reading your blog as well and will be sending readers this way too!

Oodles of thanks to FatBoyFat for fabulous answers to my deep and probing questions!

Oh…and if you are so inclined you can go check out the answers I came up with for my interview over Lindsey’s blog, I Digress:  Tales From A Baby Starved Wingnut!

Yeah…I cooked.  Cornbread dressing with gravy, sweet potatoes with brown sugar and pecans, and deviled eggs.  Fleur de lis made the ham and cranberry sauce.  The rolls were store bought.  Yes, I see that there are no green vegetables on the table.  I love green veggies, but today I didn’t miss them.   For me it was all about the cornbread dressing.  Mmmm..mmmm.

Then I made pie.  Well two pies.  Chocolate and Coconut.  I could have used a tad bit more meringue, but they were still yummy!

(Pay no attention to the bottle of tequila in this shot.  The tequila had nothing to do with the pie!  It did have everything to do with the margaritas though.)

My tummy is full and so is my fridge.  Thanksgiving leftovers…ahhh.

Today I read this post over at Stacy’s Random Thoughts.  It’s one of those stories that’s been circulating the internet for several years.  It’s always funny though.  Always.  Reading it reminded me of the squatty potties I became so proficient at using in Turkey.  For those of you who haven’t ever seen a squatty…

Here you are.  A somewhat clean squatty…because you don’t want to see what a dirty one looks like!  You’re welcome.  

How to use: Stand on the foot treads and squat all the way down keeping your balance without holding on to anything or touching the nasty floor. At the same time you must hold on to the tissue that you brought with you since most squatty stalls don’t have any. If you are carrying a purse or have a jacket you must hold them as well since hooks are very few and far between.  If you are wearing pants you will want to roll them up a bit so that they don’t touch the floor which is always wet and could have actual running water flowing over it. To flush: Pour a small pitcher of water (located under the faucet that won’t turn off all the way…hence the wet floor… which is just outside of my picture near the stall door) in the toilet, or press a button on the wall making sure to stand at the extreme side of the stall so that your shoes don’t get wet with the spray coming from the two small holes at the back of the toilet. Fun times!

If you ever want to take a trip to a place with squatties I’ll gladly go with you.  I think everyone should try their hand at this extreme sport!  I’ll even hold your purse and coat for you although it will take away from the experience!

The holidays are approaching…hell, they are on my doorstep, and I’m not sure what to do with them this year.

Thanksgiving is next week and for the first time ever I won’t be with a large group of family or semi-family to celebrate.  When we lived in the states we spent Thanksgiving with my family or my husband’s family.  I don’t think there were ever less than 12 people at any of our gatherings.  When we lived overseas Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday.  We never had blood relatives in town, but there were people who we considered family there to celebrate with us.  The kids usually had school that day so we planned to eat after they got home.  The adults would gather in the morning and go bowling.  Usually there was a baby or two to pass around as well.  There might be a few toddlers that had to have a turn rolling the ball, but it was tradition.  After bowling we would head back to the house hosting that year to finish cooking.  Most years our house hosted.  We had room, and I wasn’t the type that panicked when the hordes came over.  In fact I loved having people over.  I looked through recipe books and magazines to see what interesting things I could add to the normal Thanksgiving day fare for weeks ahead of time.  Lots of people, lots of food, lots of fun.  Our group grew to be so large that we eventually had to divide into two houses for dinner.  After dinner one group would drive to the other’s place for dessert.  It was always a great time.  In 2006 I was in the states with family for Thanksgiving, and I really missed the celebration I knew I was missing in Turkey.  Last year I had been back in the states for 4 days when Thanksgiving rolled around.  Between my own jetlag and dealing with 4 kids with jetlag I really don’t even remember much about the holiday.  

This year…well…this year is different.  My kids will be with their dad at his parents’ house for Thanksgiving.  Since my siblings and their families were at my parents’ for Thanksgiving last year they will be with their spouses’ families this year.  My parents are going to be out of town for the holiday.  That leaves me.  What will I do?

I’ve been talking to Fleur de lis about all of it.  She doesn’t have any close relatives so her Thanksgiving celebrations haven’t been traditional.  Some years she worked, some years she celebrated with friends, and some years she ate bologna sandwiches sitting in front of her TV.  This year she is spending Thanksgiving with me.  We’ve talked about what we want to do about food.  She suggested bologna sandwiches which just about made me gag.  I can’t imagine Thanksgiving without turkey, cornbread dressing, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce, and homemade rolls.  But I can’t imagine cooking all of that for just the two of us either.