Author Archives: midlifenatalie

I know people are wondering how the meeting with my dad went.  It was fine.  Almost as good as it could be.  He wasn’t supportive of my decision, but he did listen.  He didn’t speak out in anger or say hurtful things.  He said he was sure of two things.  1.  how much he and my mom both loved me and cared about me.  2.  what the bible says.  He said that as my dad he felt like he had a responsibility to come over and share his feelings with me.  Because he has always been such an amazing father he had more than earned that right.  I’m glad he came over.  I’m glad he said what he did.  There was no hate, anger or anything even close to that in his voice.  He was sad, but that is to be expected.  He told me before he left that he wasn’t trying to change my feelings.  He wasn’t trying to convince me that I am wrong.  He just needed to share.

I’m not sure where we will go from here.  I don’t know how our relationship will change.  There will be changes I’m sure.  And again…I am ready to accept whatever comes.

I’m sitting on my bed.  My normal spot for most internet surfing and blogging.  I can’t stay here for long though.  I need to change clothes and grab a box of tissues.  My dad is coming over to talk to me.  He will be here in an hour.  I have no idea what to expect from this conversation other than lots of tears on my part.  

I have always been a daddy’s girl.  My dad loves me and would do just about anything for me.  Tonight that might change.  I talked to my parent’s a week and a half ago.  I opened up and let it all spill out.  I confessed things that my dad had never even imagined could be true of me.  My mom wasn’t surprised really, but she still didn’t like what she heard.  My dad asked for time to process all that he heard and to sort out his feelings.  Tonight I will hear what he thinks.  I don’t know what to expect exactly.  I just know that he wants time to talk.  I know it won’t be easy.  And the reason I know that is because those are his exact words.  “This won’t be easy.”  

I’m serious about it all though.  Completely serious.  If I didn’t truly believe in what I am doing I wouldn’t have ever mentioned it to him in the first place.  I wouldn’t have hurt him that way.  

Tonight my role in my family…the role of daughter…might be changing forever.  I considered the consequences of my actions long before I ever took them.  I am ready to face whatever consequences may come.  

I am ready.

I was adding some pictures to my computer when I stumbled across these. I took these pictures in May when the first fruits of our garden were starting to make themselves known. The vibrant colors make my heart ache.

Yellow squash

A baby watermelon

A perfect little cucumber.

Ah…the sweet smell of home grown tomatoes!

And for the flower lovers out there I’ll include this one.

I am a mixed medium gardener. Flowers mixed with veggies, mixed with shrubs, mixed with annuals, mixed with roses, mixed with…well you get the idea.

This morning I woke up with a massive headache. I couldn’t decide if it was going to be one of migraine proportions or not. I chose to just take Excedrin and ride it out. I also drank a diet Coke, took some Ibuprofen, took naps, and ate food in attempts to alleviate the pain. Nothing helped really. Despite having a headache I am feeling quite chipper. It’s a good day. A lazy Saturday. A talk on the phone to a friend kind of day. A thumb through Southern Living magazines and dream sort of day. A read all the posts in my reader kind of day. And I’m smiling about all of it.

There’s this online group of friends that I have been watching.  I’m reading their blogs and enjoying the camaraderie between them.  I’ve commented on a few of those blogs, but mostly I’ve just been watching.  Some of them know I’m there.  They’ve acknowledged my comments with comments back.  One even emailed me questioning my interest in the group.  I admitted that I could actually join their group.  I was qualified, but in order to protect the innocent I couldn’t.  I could only watch and learn.

Last night I was in a funk.  I was sad and mad and frustrated.  Though I’ve started down the path toward this group I feel like it’s a slow crawl.  I want to stand up and run as fast as I can toward that place.  The only problem is that I would be running over a whole lot of people who don’t deserve the trampling.  

Last night I left my house and stayed elsewhere so I wouldn’t trample on the innocent.  I came back this morning feeling centered and full.  Elsewhere does that.  Elsewhere reminds me of what I want and what it takes to get there.  Elsewhere removes the stones from the road.  Elsewhere makes the path smooth.  Elsewhere shows me the light at the end of the tunnel.  Elsewhere makes the path straight.  Oh, wait…definitely not straight.  I’ll get there.  😉

I’ve had several emails and comments from people wondering where I am. I’m still here…just really busy. There’s a lot going on. I’m not quite comfortable talking about most of it here though. So for the time being…until I get things sorted out…I probably won’t be blogging much. I always promised to let you guys know if and when I decided to stop blogging altogether. That is not the plan as of now. If it comes to that I’ll be sure to tell you. Thanks for being such faithful readers.

It’s late. The middle of the night. Yet here I sit wide awake. The creative juices are flowing. Words desperate to be written are on my fingertips. So despite the fact that I should go to bed I can’t. Not yet. Not until I’m done.

Falling
down.
away.
in love.
short.
apart.

Falling
silent.
tears.
leaves.
snow.
rain.

Falling
behind.
asleep.
slowly.
forward.
into place.

One of my most favorite restaurants in Turkey was a little local place right up the street from our apartment. When we first moved to Turkey they were just a little hole in the wall kind of place that had about 7 tables. 7 plastic tables with plastic chairs. By the time we left, almost 7 years later, things had changed. They had expanded to be quite large, had nice booths and tables, and were very popular! They made home-cooked kind of food. A dish called manti was their specialty and so they were called Manti Evi or Manti house. Manti is basically a dumpling or kind of ravioli with a meat and spice mixture tucked inside the dough. It is served with garlic yogurt and red pepper paste on top. Delicious!

Several years ago I went to the Manti Evi to learn how to make Manti. I had grand plans to make it in the states when I came here for a visit. It is quite tedious and I am quite lazy so those plans never did come to fruition. (And besides once I got to America there was Pappadeaux’s to consume. I must admit the manti making took a backseat to stuffing my face with Cajun cuisine.)

Several weeks ago, before our friends came to the states for their visit, they visited the Manti Evi and took this video.

And today we sat down and made some manti ourselves.

It was still quite tedious, and nobody really ended up with a Turkish sized serving of manti, but we did it!

My taste buds and tummy had a party today. I love it when they do that!

“I think I’m going out of my brain

I got it so bad for little Miss Lois Lane

Lois Lane please put me in your plan

Yeah, Lois Lane you don’t need no super man

Come on downtown and stay with me tonight

I got a pocket full of kryptonite”

While listening to my ipod yesterday I came across this song.  OH how I smiled…

One of these days I will  have so much more to say here.  So much more.  For now the thoughts swim around…desperate to get out, but I dare not let them.  Not yet.

I was talking to a friend on the phone this morning.  We talked for hours.  I explained that there is this part of my life…this major piece of who I am that I have finally launched. 

And I used the analogy of a red launch button.  My whole life I’ve seen the button.  It’s been right there.  For a long time I refused to acknowledge it’s existence.  I walked wide circles around the button to avoid it.  But there it was still.  There were several steps necessary for the button to even work.  Two power switches had to be flipped.  A key had to be inserted and turned to the on position.  And finally a plastic cover with a full on warning of the eminent danger of what pressing the button would mean had to be lifted.  When I finally worked up the nerve I really looked at the button.  Saw what it would take to press it.  That was satisfying enough.  I fingered the switches until one day I got curious and flipped switch number one.  Wow…that felt interesting and a tad scary.  Switch number two was easy to flip, but then I ran like hell.  I was terrified at what I might do next.  And besides I didn’t have the key to insert to turn the thing on anyway.  Until one day…look…a key.  Wow.  A totally unexpected key.  And of course I took advantage of that key.  Inserted it and turned it on.  I fingered the plastic cover.  I even opened it and fingered the red button.  I opened and closed that cover countless times.  Then one day…one fine day I couldn’t say no to that red button anymore.  I had to press it.  I had to take the chance at what would happen.  Face the danger head on.  

That is where I am.  The button has been pressed.  There is no turning back.  There has been no explosion yet, but it is coming.  I feel it.  Things will be destroyed.  I am prepared for that.  The amazing thing is that new life will grow from the destruction.  And there will be surprises mixed in.  Things that I had no idea could survive such a devastating blast will survive.  I am hopeful for those surprises and that new life.