I have been sitting here staring at this white screen for a long time. It’s not that I can’t think of anything to say. There are words. I am so full of words that I could explode. They are everywhere I turn, splashing about and crying out for my attention, but try as I might, I can’t make them flow neatly in a line one after the other. Trying to tame my words is like trying to push the ocean through a straw. So I sit here feeling full. Warm. Waiting for the words to line up and spill over to this place.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
100 things
1. I was born in New Orleans.
2. I lived there until I was 7.
3. I went to Alice M. Harte Elementary School.
4. I have no idea who Alice M. Harte is/was.
5. I visited a Catholic church next door to the school when I was 6.
6. I went alone.
7. My best friend went to that church so I just followed her.
8. She didn’t know.
9. My second grade teacher’s name was Mrs. Catonese.
10. We called her Mrs. Cabbage Cheese.
11. Her twin sister taught at the same school.
12. I don’t remember her name.
13. I moved to Pearl River, La the summer I turned 8.
14. I went to Pearl River Junior High for grades 3-5.
15. Pearl River didn’t have an elementary school.
16. My best friend’s name was Bonnie Owen.
17. My last name was Owen, too.
18. Her mom’s name was Linda.
19. My mom was Linda, too.
20. We pretended like we were sisters all the time.
21. There was a boy in my class who liked to make the teacher cry.
22. She hid behind a newspaper so nobody would see.
23. There was another boy in my class named Dolan Crawford, and he liked me.
24. I liked Randy Butcher.
25. I joined the swim team because Randy was on it.
26. You only had to be able to swim across the entire pool to be on the swim team.
27. I hated swim meets.
28. Competitions where people have to watch me perform make me nervous.
29. I once had to swim the entire length of the pool and back all by myself, because the other teams were all done and I was the anchor on our team.
30. I almost refused to swim, because everyone would be watching me.
31. I also took baton lessons.
32. I was on a baton team called the High Steppers.
33. I marched in many Mardi Gras parades in my little outfit. I froze!
34. We moved to Houston the summer before 6th grade.
35. I started a real junior high and experienced culture shock.
36. Everyone wore Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.
37. I had no idea who Gloria Vanderbilt was.
38. My mom wouldn’t buy me any Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.
39. My dad did.
40. I wore my Gloria Vanderbilt jeans when I went back to Pearl River to visit.
41. Everyone there was wearing them, too.
42. I got glasses in 7th grade.
43. I sang The Rose as a duet with some girl in 7th grade choir. I don’t remember her name. Neither of us could sing well.
44. I was a library aide in 8th grade and got to keep any books they were getting rid of.
45. I collected a lot of books that way.
46. I played paper dolls with the girl who lived across the street from me in junior high. A lot!
47. After 8th grade we moved to Tomball.
48. I went to 9th grade at a 9th grade only campus.
49. I took agriculture for 3 days in 9th grade.
50. When I heard I had to raise an animal and show it in a livestock show I changed my schedule.
51. I took a dance class instead, and I loved it.
52. I passed out in the cafeteria lunch line and had to be taken out in a wheelchair.
53. I spent the night in the hospital, and they decided I was iron deficient.
54. I tried out for drill team at the end of my 9th grade year, but didn’t make it.
55. I was sick and throwing up during tryouts.
56. When try out time came around my 10th grade year the drill team director came and asked me to try out.
57. I made it.
58. I had a friend named Shannon who ate out every night for dinner.
59. I loved spending the night at her house, because we got to eat out.
60. Her parents were antique/art dealers so their house was the most eclectic place I had ever seen, and I loved it.
61. I got a hickey at church camp the summer after 10th grade.
62. The associate pastor’s son gave it to me.
63. I was highly embarrassed about the whole thing and wanted to wear a turtle neck in the summer.
64. I took driver’s ed with 3 other girls that same summer.
65. We were involved in an accident that totaled our car.
66. It was not our fault.
67. They made us drive again 2 days later. We were all scared.
68. My parents bought me a used white Toyota Corolla Tercel for my 16th birthday. It didn’t have power steering.
69. I drove it from Tomball to Amarillo when we moved that same summer.
70. Amarillo High School didn’t have a drill team which made me sad.
71. I dated a cowboy in 11th grade.
72. He’s now a chiropractor.
4. I have no idea who Alice M. Harte is/was.
5. I visited a Catholic church next door to the school when I was 6.
6. I went alone.
7. My best friend went to that church so I just followed her.
8. She didn’t know.
9. My second grade teacher’s name was Mrs. Catonese.
10. We called her Mrs. Cabbage Cheese.
11. Her twin sister taught at the same school.
12. I don’t remember her name.
13. I moved to Pearl River, La the summer I turned 8.
14. I went to Pearl River Junior High for grades 3-5.
15. Pearl River didn’t have an elementary school.
16. My best friend’s name was Bonnie Owen.
17. My last name was Owen, too.
18. Her mom’s name was Linda.
19. My mom was Linda, too.
20. We pretended like we were sisters all the time.
21. There was a boy in my class who liked to make the teacher cry.
22. She hid behind a newspaper so nobody would see.
23. There was another boy in my class named Dolan Crawford, and he liked me.
24. I liked Randy Butcher.
25. I joined the swim team because Randy was on it.
26. You only had to be able to swim across the entire pool to be on the swim team.
27. I hated swim meets.
28. Competitions where people have to watch me perform make me nervous.
29. I once had to swim the entire length of the pool and back all by myself, because the other teams were all done and I was the anchor on our team.
30. I almost refused to swim, because everyone would be watching me.
31. I also took baton lessons.
32. I was on a baton team called the High Steppers.
33. I marched in many Mardi Gras parades in my little outfit. I froze!
34. We moved to Houston the summer before 6th grade.
35. I started a real junior high and experienced culture shock.
36. Everyone wore Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.
37. I had no idea who Gloria Vanderbilt was.
38. My mom wouldn’t buy me any Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.
39. My dad did.
40. I wore my Gloria Vanderbilt jeans when I went back to Pearl River to visit.
41. Everyone there was wearing them, too.
42. I got glasses in 7th grade.
43. I sang The Rose as a duet with some girl in 7th grade choir. I don’t remember her name. Neither of us could sing well.
44. I was a library aide in 8th grade and got to keep any books they were getting rid of.
45. I collected a lot of books that way.
46. I played paper dolls with the girl who lived across the street from me in junior high. A lot!
47. After 8th grade we moved to Tomball.
48. I went to 9th grade at a 9th grade only campus.
49. I took agriculture for 3 days in 9th grade.
50. When I heard I had to raise an animal and show it in a livestock show I changed my schedule.
51. I took a dance class instead, and I loved it.
52. I passed out in the cafeteria lunch line and had to be taken out in a wheelchair.
53. I spent the night in the hospital, and they decided I was iron deficient.
54. I tried out for drill team at the end of my 9th grade year, but didn’t make it.
55. I was sick and throwing up during tryouts.
56. When try out time came around my 10th grade year the drill team director came and asked me to try out.
57. I made it.
58. I had a friend named Shannon who ate out every night for dinner.
59. I loved spending the night at her house, because we got to eat out.
60. Her parents were antique/art dealers so their house was the most eclectic place I had ever seen, and I loved it.
61. I got a hickey at church camp the summer after 10th grade.
62. The associate pastor’s son gave it to me.
63. I was highly embarrassed about the whole thing and wanted to wear a turtle neck in the summer.
64. I took driver’s ed with 3 other girls that same summer.
65. We were involved in an accident that totaled our car.
66. It was not our fault.
67. They made us drive again 2 days later. We were all scared.
68. My parents bought me a used white Toyota Corolla Tercel for my 16th birthday. It didn’t have power steering.
69. I drove it from Tomball to Amarillo when we moved that same summer.
70. Amarillo High School didn’t have a drill team which made me sad.
71. I dated a cowboy in 11th grade.
72. He’s now a chiropractor.
73. My mom asked me if I was gay my senior year of high school.
74. I said no and promptly went about finding a boyfriend.
75. I took a home and family living class and was given the assignment to go on a creative cheap date.
76. My friend’s dad had an airplane so he took 4 of us up for a ride for our date.
77. I don’t remember what else we did, but I’m pretty sure the gas for the plane wasn’t cheap.
78. I sang a duet with a friend in front of our church youth group my senior year of high school. I still couldn’t sing. My friend could.
79. My senior year, I skipped school, got caught, and was put in after school suspension for 3 days.
80. My boyfriend did something stupid so he could get put in after school suspension with me. He had longer to serve.
81. My best friend from high school often snuck over to my house after her mom was in bed.
82. I never snuck out because I was too scared I would get caught.
83. My roommate my last two years in college was the same high school best friend. There was no sneaking around.
75. I took a home and family living class and was given the assignment to go on a creative cheap date.
76. My friend’s dad had an airplane so he took 4 of us up for a ride for our date.
77. I don’t remember what else we did, but I’m pretty sure the gas for the plane wasn’t cheap.
78. I sang a duet with a friend in front of our church youth group my senior year of high school. I still couldn’t sing. My friend could.
79. My senior year, I skipped school, got caught, and was put in after school suspension for 3 days.
80. My boyfriend did something stupid so he could get put in after school suspension with me. He had longer to serve.
81. My best friend from high school often snuck over to my house after her mom was in bed.
82. I never snuck out because I was too scared I would get caught.
83. My roommate my last two years in college was the same high school best friend. There was no sneaking around.
84. She threw a brush across the room once because she was mad at me. I kinda deserved it!
85. I dated a cowboy wanna be in college.
86. He’s now a pastor.
87. After graduating from college, I taught fourth grade and hated it.
88. I quit and worked at Goldstein Miguel in Waco for a semester. Goldstein Miguel is no longer in business.
89. I got another teaching job teaching kindergarten in Coolidge, Texas. I was the only kindergarten teacher.
90. I stopped for a coke at a little country gas station everyday on the way home from work, and the owner asked me one of two questions.
91. Did you learn anything today or do you have to go back tomorrow?
92. Working hard or hardly working?
93. All of my kids were born in Texas, but none were born in the same city.
94. I stopped teaching when my second child was born.
95. Someone else picked out our apartment in Turkey.
86. He’s now a pastor.
87. After graduating from college, I taught fourth grade and hated it.
88. I quit and worked at Goldstein Miguel in Waco for a semester. Goldstein Miguel is no longer in business.
89. I got another teaching job teaching kindergarten in Coolidge, Texas. I was the only kindergarten teacher.
90. I stopped for a coke at a little country gas station everyday on the way home from work, and the owner asked me one of two questions.
91. Did you learn anything today or do you have to go back tomorrow?
92. Working hard or hardly working?
93. All of my kids were born in Texas, but none were born in the same city.
94. I stopped teaching when my second child was born.
95. Someone else picked out our apartment in Turkey.
96. We loved it so much we never moved the entire 7 years we lived there.
97. That was unheard of and the longest I’d ever lived in one place.
98. I hate bananas and maple syrup with a passion.
98. I hate bananas and maple syrup with a passion.
99. I went back to teaching after 15 years away. The job completely changed!
100. I often forget that I’m 44 years old.
Edit…my dog was trying to enjoy my company while I was typing this and my eyes were crossing from the lack of sleep last night. I tried to proofread and wasn’t able to concentrate on it. Since opening it back up, I’ve found two mistakes. I’m sure there are more! Enjoy!
Spilling secrets
Last night I went on a second date. That’s right…I completely left you people out of the loop about the first date. A girl’s got to have a few secrets! But now that there’s been a second date with talk of more, I have decided to fill you in on my little secret.
I “met” this girl in the summer of 2011 while she was working overseas. Our relationship centered around scores of emails back and forth which were amazingly long and detailed. I loved getting to know her that way. As you guys already know, I am a words person, so to read her words was the perfect beginning to our friendship. By the time she came back from her assignment, I had started dating my ex so she and I became Facebook friends and that was how it stayed until last week.
Last week, after a couple of random Facebook comments shared between us, she messaged me to let me know that she was interested in meeting me and asked if I wanted to meet her for dinner. Of course I did! She drove over to my part of town and we finally got to meet in person! Yay! She was absolutely, perfectly sweet! I loved watching how she treated others. The man at the bar who was chatty, the couple who gave us their seats when they got up to leave, and I’m pretty sure our waiter, Brian, was enamored with her as well, because he kept coming by to talk and only had eyes for her. It was somewhat adorable!
Because our plans were hastily thrown together at the last minute, we only did dinner, but we were there a long time. We talked and talked and talked. Hours and never a lull in the conversation.
After we parted ways, we texted several times to say how much we enjoyed the evening and made plans for date number 2, one week later.
She invited me to her place for dinner and a movie. She cooked delicious grilled shrimp and veggies and even fixed my plate which I loved. She had three different types of wine, and I tasted them all. She even bought Diet Coke for me despite the fact that she doesn’t drink soda herself.
Her movie choice was extremely brilliant and thoughtful. The Words. I had never seen it, but she thought I would enjoy it since it is about a writer and the love of words. It was really good.
I finally left her place at 1:15 in the morning. Seven hours after I arrived. We were together for 7 hours! And we talked and talked and talked. Hours and never a lull in the conversation. Except for when she kissed me. Of course.
After I got home in the wee hours of the morning, we spent time texting. I guess we weren’t done talking. We’ve texted back and forth off and on today. More words. And plans have been made for Friday night and for a weekend in the future. I can’t wait!
Since I’m writing about her here, I needed to give her a name. After much thought, I’ve decided to call her Candied Jansen. Candied because she is so sweet. And Jansen because it was the name of the writer in the movie and it makes me smile. It’s a good name. It fits.
Hope is the thing with feathers…Emily Dickinson
Ms. Johnson says everybody has a story. She said some of us are afraid to tell ours and that’s why when it comes time to write something, we say we have writer’s block. Ms. Johnson says there’s no such thing as writer’s block. She said it’s just your mind saying to your body, I ain’t trying to write that jive. Everybody laughed when she said it like that because, mostly, Ms. Johnson speaks proper.
“Then what does your mind want your hand to write?” Ms. Johnson asked the class.
Trevor was tracing the letters on his desk. Rayray was staring out the window. I looked down at my blank paper, my pencil in my hand and my hand and mind real still and quiet.
“Frannie?” Ms. Johnson looked at me.
I shrugged, “A story?”
“Maybe,” Ms. Johnson said. She walked slowly over to Rayray and turned his head gently toward the front of the room. She walked over to Trevor, lifted his pencil out of his hand.
“If the story is the truth,” Ms. Johnson said.
“But that’s nonfiction then, ” somebody said.
“The truth is in your heart. My daddy says we all have a truth in our hearts.”
It was the Jesus Boy speaking. He even surprised Ms. Johnson. But she tried to hide it by smiling.
“Exactly,” Ms. Johnson said. “Write what your heart tells you to write.”
We all looked around the room at each other. Nobody said anything.
“My heart’s not saying anything,” Rayray said. He slumped down in his chair. “I hate this.”
Ms. Johnson walked back to the front of the room. “Think of a day in your life,” she said. “Any kind of day–where something big happened or nothing at all happened. Something important or something just regular, like you ate a sandwich while watching cartoons. Anything. Just try to write down every single detail you can remember about it.”
—————————————————————————————-
I looked down at my paper. There were a million days in my head, all of them marching all over each other. All of them coming from my heart and feeling like my heart-truth. I didn’t have the slightest idea where to begin. There were all kinds of thoughts swirling around in my head and it felt like the whole class dropped away and disappeared and all that was left was me and my pen and my paper and the whole wide world spinning around me. I felt dizzy with all those thoughts, had to put my head down on the desk.
“Frannie, are you okay?” I heard Ms. Johnson asking. Her voice sounded like it was coming from real far away.
I nodded into my arm but didn’t lift my head. “I don’t even know what the first line to write would be,” I said.
“Begin at Frannie’s beginning,” Ms. Johnson said.
—————————————————————————————————-
From the book Feathers by Jacqueline Woodson
I love children’s literature.
Life through a lens
Many moons ago I owned a little silver point and shoot camera. I LOVED that camera. It took such amazing pictures. Here are a few plant shots that I took back in the day. 
It also took some amazing pictures of the kids playing in the pool. The water came out crisp, the splashes were defined, and the colors were amazing. Basically, very few pictures turned out bad. I was constantly asked what kind of camera I used, and people were always surprised when I said it was just a point and shoot on the automatic setting.
I used that camera so much that the battery door started popping open and had to be taped shut. I decided to get another camera, and before I could get a chance to do some research and buy one, I was given a camera by a church group. It was still a point and shoot and was even the same brand, but it was much fancier than mine. I have tried to love that camera, but I have never been able to. From the first use, the pictures weren’t nearly as good. I kept thinking that I just didn’t know what I was doing so I messed with all the settings and tried to make it work better. Nothing I did improved the picture quality. Others, who were much more camera smart, messed around with it, and still nothing improved much. I was somewhat sad about it all.
And then life happened, and I wasn’t interested in taking pictures of it. I look back and wonder if I had been using a camera I loved, would I have documented more of my journey? I don’t know for sure.
I’ve been in the mood to take pictures again lately so I thought I would look up some info about that camera just to try again. It turns out that a lot of people aren’t impressed with its performance. There were all kinds of bad reviews which made me feel better about my lack of ability!
And now for the good news. I just purchased a new camera. I don’t have it yet, and I hope to love it. It isn’t a point and shoot so there will be a learning curve, but there is an automatic setting which will come in handy at first. The reviews are overall great with a score of 4 1/2 out of 5 stars. I can’t wait to get my hands on it! I look forward to telling stories in pictures again.
Authentic Reality
One of my favorite movies is the Truman Show. It didn’t get my attention at the time it came out, and I’m pretty sure it was considered a flop at the box office. I don’t remember when I saw it for the first time, but I know it was when I was living in Turkey.
What I do remember is how it made me feel.
It reminded me so much of my reality at the time. All of these people watching and waiting to see what Truman would do next. Then there were those people who manipulated his reality to cause him to make certain decisions. He married Meryl even though he was attracted to Lauren, because the producers wanted that to be how the story went. Even his best friend, Marlon, was not who Truman thought he was.
Somedays I felt like Truman…wanting to escape my reality and do something crazy…see something new. Somedays I felt like Marlon…pretending to be someone I wasn’t for the sake of the show. And somedays I felt like the producers of The Truman Show…manipulating events to make sure things happened like I wanted them to happen.
One of the most interesting characters to me was Christof. He was the creator of the show and some of his lines were genius. For example…
- We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented, it’s as simple as that.
- If his was more than just a vague ambition, if he [Truman] was absolutely determined to discover the truth, there’s no way we could prevent him.
- “I’ve given Truman the chance to lead a normal life. The world, the place you live in is the sick place. Seahaven is the way the world should be.”
I felt as though he was both describing me and challenging me to do something about it. I loved how, at the end of the movie, Truman spoke into the open air to Christof and said, “You never had a camera in my head.” That was so powerful to me. My thoughts were my own to sort out.
And then I would think about that button that Lauren was wearing when Truman talked to her for the first time in the library. How will it end? That was a good question and one I couldn’t begin to wrap my mind around at the time.
Like Truman, I chose to walk away from the only world I knew. And then after some time, I found my way back to the parts of it I couldn’t live without. The parts that felt like home to me. And I merged that old life with this new one in a way that is a more authentic reality. Yes, I’ve come a long way!
Friend-in-law
So I was talking to Chicory Root this morning. And by the way, she hates that name, but I don’t like to use real names on my blog so she gets to deal with it. Our conversation was all over the place. I walked away from it thinking about how many blog posts I could write concerning all that we talked about, but I decided I’d start with this.
Back in September, Chicory Root emailed me. It was the first time I had heard from her in over a year and a half. She felt like God was telling her to email me, and the message He wanted her to share was this…
The message this morning was that I had left a very negative imprint on you, and I needed to tell you of something greater.
In this past year and a half, I experienced the darkest time of my life. It was meant to have me finally fall hard enough to, as Wayne Dyer would characterize it, “crack open”, to rise above ego and release my Spirit. Since then, I have experienced joy, and satisfaction, and blessings beyond anything I could have ever imagined. But the message in meditation this morning was simple and singular; there’s something you always said, I believe it was actually a Scripture, to the effect that, people should feel better or enriched for having met you. Tears welled up as I heard that in my heart, and I acknowledged that, in fact, I am a much richer person for having known you and I needed to to tell you. You saw past the negativity of ego and connected with me on a soul plane and despite it all, you always smiled. How could that not have been anything but a shining example of Spiritual good, and a tremendous blessing for me!
Now I’m not putting any of that here to boost my own ego. It is meant only as an explanation of what spurred the reconciliation. I responded with my own apologies for abandoning the relationship/friendship when I did, and after many talks about our past relationship, we determined that we were much better friends than anything else. And so today, we continue to be friends…family even. The connection isn’t romantic nor has there even been the notion of that since we reconnected. I am glad we were able to move from that place to this one. I know that Chicory Root wants only the best for me, and I have no doubts about her trustworthiness and faithfulness to me as a friend. In turn, she knows she can trust me for support and love as well. We learned a lot about ourselves during the time we were estranged. Lessons that were best learned apart from each other. For that I am extremely grateful. I am also very happy to have her in my life again. God knows what he is doing, and His plans are always much greater than mine!
During one of our recent talks, Chicory Root and I talked about how our friendship would look when one or both of us started dating. She dubbed herself the Friend-in-law and put in an order for my significant other to like motorcycles and Danica Patrick. I told her I’d see what I could do. 😉
Hodge Podge
- I have so many blog posts running through my head and none of them are finished. It’s like I can’t wrap them up somehow. Here’s what I’ve saved in drafts over the past few weeks.
- 1. This quote. I loved what it said and planned to get back to it at some point to explain why.
- 2. These lines from the movie That Thing You Do. I’ve always loved them.
- Guy Patterson: [to Faye] Before you go, let me ask you one question.
- Faye Dolan: Shoot.
- Guy: When was the last time you were decently kissed? I mean, truly, truly, good and kissed?
- Faye: Dave Gammelgard, New Year’s Eve, ’61.
- Guy: [pause] Okay. [kisses Faye, backs off and they kiss longer as Lamarr smiles]
- Faye: [having kissed] We should have done that a long time ago.
- And here is a clip for those of you who haven’t seen it. (Not the best quality, but it was all I could find.)
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxovZ5ATKAA
- 3. This quote…
- There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
- Maya Angelou
- 4. And this one…
Being with you is like walking on a very clear morning – definitely the sensation of belonging there. E. B. White
5. And the beginning and middle part of a blog post. I read it and have no idea where I was going with this. I’m sure I thought it was important at the time, but now…I don’t know. I hate to delete it so I’m adding it here.
I moved around a lot as a kid so I was constantly making new friends. I went to two elementary schools, one junior high, and two high schools, and never lived any place longer than 3 years. The summer before my junior year of high school I moved from a suburb of Houston to the panhandle of Texas. It was a pretty drastic change for me. I was angry about the move, because I loved my church and my friends. I had been in the same school for two whole years, and I felt like I was hitting my stride. I loved my school, and had finally made the drill team and was working hard to prove myself. The drill team instructor knew that I should have made the team the year before, and encouraged me to try out again. I went to dance camp that summer and learned some of the new dances for the upcoming school year. I was so ready. And then my parents called a family meeting. I hated when that happened, because it always meant that we were moving again. The new school had abolished their drill team after it became known as the Whore Corp. around town, so there was no transferring to another dance troop. After the move, I rebelled a little by going and getting a job. I know…I was hardcore! I wouldn’t participate in any of the church youth group activities because I was convinced that all those kids thought they were better than me! I became best friends with another newbie at the school and spent all my free time with her and the boyfriend I happened to have. We had open campus lunch and despite my mom fixing me a lunch, I would go out anyway. Did I mention how rebellious I was??
The summer after my junior year my parents had a family trip planned. They were going on a vacation, and I couldn’t go because I was working. The truth was I could have asked off or quit my job, but I didn’t want to go. My mom arranged for a college student at the church to come and stay with me while they were gone. I was mortified! I didn’t want some self-righteous stranger staying with me! The girl showed up and I liked her. She wasn’t weird or crazy or self-righteous. And she introduced me to a couple other girls who were a grade younger than me from the church. When I saw them, I knew exactly who they were. I had seen them at church and school, and they always looked like they were having a blast. I spent the two weeks my family was gone getting to know these girls and many of their friends. I dove into everything youth group related and was a completely different person when my parents came home. My mom couldn’t believe the difference! I couldn’t believe that I missed out on a year of amazing relationships, because I wanted to pout about moving!
The summer after I graduated from high school my family moved again. I was going away to college, but I was still sad. There would be no trips home to visit my friends because when I went home to visit my family it would be to their new house. Their new house in the same suburb of Houston we had lived in two years before. And even though I was moving back to a place I had known and back to a church I had once loved, it wasn’t the same.
So there you have it. A random assortment of stuff. Nothing finished, but now I can move on to fresh, new ideas and quit looking back at these things with frustration.
Honesty
Long distance relationships. They’ve been on my mind lately. And I’m talking about mine…not anyone else’s. Since I was married for 19 years, I don’t have a lot of experience with relationships, but I have had a few as an adult. One of those was a long distance one. We lived so far away from each other that we started the relationship when we were together the first time and ended it right after we were together the second time, a year later. Other than the beginning stirrings and the grand finale, the entire relationship was online through emails, instant messenger, and Skype as well as many phone calls. It was amazing. I didn’t realize how much I could feel for someone I couldn’t physically touch, hold, and kiss. Because we didn’t have that luxury, we spent a lot of time really getting to know each other. We talked endlessly about every subject imaginable. I knew her heart. The connection we had was incredible. We were both so honest about where we were and how we felt. Declarations of love and whispers of sweet nothings were shared and we built this sort of way to exist even though we couldn’t be together. When we finally did see each other, we were done talking. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and spent the next week taking every opportunity to be together physically. Yes, there were hiccups, but it had nothing to do with how we felt about each other. That was perfectly clear, and in a perfect world we wouldn’t have ever had to part ways. But it was a necessary thing. And it almost killed both of us.
Recently I’ve been talking to someone online. Someone who lives halfway across the country from me. She is someone of amazing character and strength. The way we connected was a little scary for both of us I think. We sent emails and texts and had endless phone conversations. The friendship we were building had undertones of a deeper relationship. We both felt it, but we made light of it anytime it was mentioned. I was terrified to say anything about how I was feeling, because she said that she wasn’t interested in a long distance relationship. That they were too hard and frustrating. I agreed with that and figured being her friend was a pretty good consolation prize. I could do that. And it was so easy to be her friend. I had hoped to visit my friend for spring break or at the beginning of summer. We talked about it and she said she couldn’t wait. We were both so excited to be able to meet each other in person.
The other day we were being silly. Flirting. And we joked about me writing a post about her being my girlfriend. I thought it would be funny so I did it. Some of you may have seen that post while it was up for the whole 10 minutes I kept it visible. Some got it in their readers or e-mailed to them. I ended up taking it down for two reasons. One of those reasons was because my online friend was confused by it. I told her I was begin silly, and I was, but there were serious undertones about how I was feeling in it. She could see that and asked about it. I confused her asking for accusing. I tried hard to back peddle because I didn’t want my friend to think I was really smitten when she had so clearly expressed her lack of interest in a long distance relationship. But the truth is…I am smitten. And my back peddling resulted in my friend needing to back off of communication with me because of how she feels. She never confirmed how she feels exactly, but if I were to make an assumption, she’s smitten, too. And I hurt her by pretending not to be. And so now we’re here. Not talking. And my heart is aching.
The friendship/relationship we were building was akin to my first long distance relationship. I know it would have come with all the frustrations as well. The wanting to hold each other and kiss each other. Because that isn’t possible, we would have shared ourselves deeply, and I have no doubt what would have happened the first time we saw each other in person. We would have holed up someplace and gotten to know each other in the only way that had been denied to us up until that point. I’m sad that it isn’t progressing like that now. My trip to visit her could’ve been a beautiful thing.
Even admitting this here scares me. I just have to put these feelings somewhere. And I know that God will work things out for both of us…together or separately. We both have a strong faith in Him. That was one of the things that was so attractive about my friend in the first place. I pray that we can get past this and move on. I would prefer moving on together, even only as friends, but I’m leaving that in God’s hands. He knows.
Midlife Natalie 