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At some point in the recent past Fleur de lis and I were talking about love languages.  She hadn’t ever heard of the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  That surprised me a little because it was all the rage back in the day.  The day being the late 90’s or so.  Then I remembered that it was probably all the rage in the Christian circles where I traveled and not so much in mainstream secular America.  While the book is written by a Christian it is remarkable in it’s applicability to mainstream secular America as well.  The basic idea of the book is that we all give and receive love in different ways.  By default we tend to show love by doing things for others that we like done for ourselves.  This book talks about the five basic ways people feel loved.  It gives insight on how to love others in a way that they will feel loved.  For example…some people love to be told that they are loved.  They like comments about how beautiful they are, how nice their hair is, how amazing the meal was they cooked, how appreciated they are, etc.  That communicates love to them.  And while it’s nice to hear others might not care so much about those sorts of things.  Instead they might need quality time to feel loved.  Time dedicated specifically to them.

Years ago I took the little test in the book to determine my love language.  The language that when spoken to me communicated love.  Back then my primary love languages were Quality Time and Acts of Service.  Acts of Service being things like cleaning the bathrooms, putting gas in my car, vacuuming the house, cooking dinner…all because you love me.  After telling Fleur de lis about it she and I both thought that I should take the test again.  It was obvious to both of us that over the years my love languages had probably changed.  I took the test online and received the following scores.

I just laughed when I saw my results. Physical Touch had never really been on my radar until recently.  And by touch I’m not referring to sex in any way.  I had been touched my whole married life and while it was ok it wasn’t something I needed.   I know the need to be touched was there in the early days of my marriage.  I remember it.  I remember being frustrated that physical touch always led to sex.  A back rub was never just a back rub.  It was foreplay.  Touch became less and less important to me because while fulfilling a need it was also creating a sense of dread for what came next if I wasn’t in the mood.  And for some reason unknown to me I was rarely ever in the mood.  (And let me insert here that I didn’t hate sex.  It was fine.  I just didn’t need it.)  Later my need for physical touch was fulfilled by babies and toddlers.  They hugged me and kissed me and played with my hair.  They needed me and loved me.

These days my babies aren’t babies anymore   They’re junior high and high schoolers.  I can’t pick them up and hold them.  Oh they still sit right up against me on the couch.  They still give awesome hugs.  They still play with my hair and my youngest two still fight to hold my hand in the store.  (which can be a problem since most store aisles aren’t wide enough for me, a 10 year old and a 12 year old)  I figured those touches were enough.  And really they were.  Until I met Fleur de lis.

And because she is so amazing I have to start a new paragraph to talk about her.  Fleur de lis is a toucher.  A petter.  A caresser.  Colbie Calliat must have met Fleur de lis at some point because she could only have been talking about her when she penned the lyrics “You’ve got magic inside your fingertips; it’s leaking out all over my skin.” That’s exactly how it is.  Fleur de lis has amazing hands.  When we are together she touches me often, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before.  She touches my face, my neck, and right under my collarbones, and I automatically relax.  She rubs my arm with the perfect amount of pressure.  It’s like her hands are giving me little hugs.  Perfect little hand hugs.  I can be in the middle of a sentence, and her touch will make me forget what I’m saying.  Without realizing it I lean into her touch.  She claims I must have been a cat in a former life.  I just can’t get enough.

I also scored high on Quality Time.  That didn’t surprise me.  I am all about spending time together, and I don’t usually want that time interrupted by the TV or radio.  Going to the park, to dinner, or doing some other activity that isn’t a distraction from each other will do.  I’m ok with watching TV, surfing the net, and going to the movies, but I don’t want that to be the only time that I get.  I can spend a good amount of time with someone, and if it’s all spent in the midst of distractions I will feel like I really didn’t even see them.

Fleur de lis took the test online as well.  She scored high on Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.  I have work to do.  I am not very good at either one of these.  Since Physical Touch is one of my love languages it seems like it would be an easy thing for me to do.  The only problem is that whenever I start to touch her she touches me back, and I’m rendered useless.  I melt.  I forget that I’m rubbing her arm or massaging her head.  My body becomes jelly, and I lean into her touch.  As far as Words of Affirmation goes I honestly forget.  She is always saying nice things to me, and because it isn’t one of my love languages I don’t automatically do it back.  It doesn’t come naturally.

I have work to do.  I want to love in a way that is felt.  In a way that can be counted on.  Time to get busy.

So I’ve wanted to blog, but now that I actually have the time I can’t remember what it was that I felt the need to say.

I remember taking this picture of some yummy cupcakes with the idea that I would blog about them.  Um…we bought some cupcakes at a store that only sold cupcakes and then we ate them.  Yeah…not nearly as exciting as the post that was in my head 2 weeks ago.

Then there was this picture.  I took bread dough out of the freezer and put it in a ziplock bag to thaw.  I meant to put it in the refrigerator so it would thaw slowly.  I had the sudden realization while I was at school that it was still sitting on my kitchen counter.  I came home to this.  Again…not exactly what I meant to say at the time this occurred.

I went to Waco with Fleur de lis and took the following picture.  It was taken at the Dr. Pepper Museum.  There wasn’t much to the place, but what we saw was interesting.

I learned a couple of things too.  Diet Coke isn’t made from the same recipe as regular Coke.  One would think they only changed the sweetener, but no…they are two completely different formulas.  Evidently Diet Coke was more cost efficient so they tried to use it’s formula with only a change in the sweetener to make regular Coke back in 1985.  Yep…New Coke was the same formula as Diet Coke.  That didn’t go over well!

This past week I took my boys to the doctor.  One needed shots and the other needed a physical for the athletic program at school.  The younger boy and I both just about died when we watched our lady doctor give the older boy the old cough test.  I almost died because I had heard guys joke about this test for years, but of course I had never seen it done.  My son was wearing basketball shorts so she didn’t have to pull them down or anything.  She just reached her gloved hand in there before we knew what was happening.  My younger son almost died because all he could think was that he was next!

There are only 6 1/2 more school days with kids and 9 more days until I am done for the summer.  The kids are getting restless which makes their behavior worse.  I have kids who rarely get in trouble acting up.  I had a migraine every day for a week and a half.  Last week I was surprisingly migraine free, but today I woke up with one.  It’s Sunday.  Not the best way to start the week.  Hopefully this isn’t indicative of the week to come.

On Thursday I went to pick my daughter up for school and noticed my 14 year old boy eating Cheetos.  Normally I wouldn’t be bothered by this, but it was 6:45am.  A bag of Cheetos was his breakfast.  He had a couple of other choices, but nothing really sounded good.  I said a few things to him about health and eating and how a good breakfast was important and blah, blah, blah.  Then after I dropped my daughter off at school I ate Crunch-n-Munch in my car.  For breakfast.  I am AWESOME!

See what you miss when I don’t blog.

I want to blog, but I am too busy.  I miss blogging in a way.  You know…that sentimental way.  That remember when I used to write down my thoughts and people would read them sort of way.  I used this blog to help me sort out feelings and ideas.  I processed here.  Now I process while I drive the 35 miles to work or while I am in the shower or folding clothes.  I rarely turn on the TV or radio.  I have such little time to be alone with my thoughts that interrupting them with noise isn’t even an option.  What I don’t have right now is time to write my thoughts down.  Only 2 more weeks of school and then I have stuff to say.  Boy do I have stuff to say.  And if there’s a spare moment between now and then you’ll be sure to hear about it.

Yesterday I had all kinds of reasons to be on the internet.  There were things I needed to look up, questions that needed answers, and social media sites that needed to be checked.  I had reasons to be on the internet, but I couldn’t actually BE on the internet.  My youngest had a friend spend the night, and they wanted to watch a movie.  We have a DVD player and a Playstation 2 that will both play DVDs.  DVDs from Region 1.  Like the USA and Canada.  The problem was that she wanted to watch a DVD from Region 2 which includes Europe, Greece, Turkey, Egypt, Arabia, Japan, South Africa and a few others.  Because we lived in Turkey we have several DVDs with that region code.  I set my computer’s DVD player to Region 2 so that we could bring back some of those DVDs to watch in the states.  Last night the movie pick was Grease.  In fact Grease had been on the radar for about a week.  There was much talk about how they were going to stay up late and watch it on Friday night.  So Friday night rolls around, and I think I’m ok giving up my computer.  I mean I had a week to prepare myself so all is well.  I had a million papers to grade, and I actually turned my TV on, a big SHOCKER if you know me.  As I watched Dateline I wondered about an event they mentioned so I decided to look it up online.  Oh…right…the girls have my computer.  Then a commercial came on that reminded me that I had been meaning to look up something concerning a driver’s license.  Wait…can’t do that either.  Then I wanted to tweet about how my kid had taken over my computer and about how handicapped I felt, and I couldn’t even do that!  I learned an important lesson last night.  It wasn’t that I’m addicted to the internet.   It’s that I need to buy an iphone so I can make sure I have an immediate connection when the need to give up my computer arises again.

Then I woke up this morning and thought about how when we lived in Turkey our DVD player played all regions because the store “fixed” it for us.  So I looked up a way to bypass the region codes for my DVD player and within a minute had it fixed.  Why didn’t I think of that last night!?!  And no I don’t consider it illegal because I bought all the movies I plan on watching at a reputable store in Turkey.  None of my movies are street copies so there.

And now I’m off to “fix” the DVD player at the house so any movie can be enjoyed there as well.

I still might want an iphone.

While surfing the web today I found this article.

Knapp is an award winning Christian folk rock singer.  Her new album is out May 11.  I plan to get it.

Here’s a sampling of what she does.  I particularly like Undo me which for some reason was added twice and Lay it Down.  Click on the pop-out player if you can’t see it here.  It is well worth it!

Officially stressing out.  The migraine I’ve had for the past 3 days is a testament to that fact.

So far today I’ve eaten bacon.  Now I’m contemplating cake.  Another sign of stress.

I have gnats in my houseplants.  I’ve used insecticides for the past 2 days and not much has changed.  I’m trying vinegar jars placed near the plants to see if that does the trick.  Of course the only vinegar I had on hand was apple cider vinegar so there are small jars of what looks like very dark urine around my living room.  Nice.  I realize that the gnats won’t go away completely, but I am sick of seeing them in my house.  If the combination of vinegar and poison doesn’t at least alleviate the problem I might have to buy a small plant stand for my porch and keep them out there.  At least until it gets too hot for gnats.  I wonder if the stray cats that roam the neighborhood would leave them alone.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk
and I need you now.
Well I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

How many of us actually ask for what we need?  I am not good at it.  I guess I fear rejection.  Sometimes I ask, but I am always hesitant.  I’m also not very good at figuring out what others need.  Sometimes it’s obvious, but when it isn’t I need them to tell me.  Sometimes I suck.

The weather’s getting hotter by the day and my kids are getting excited.  Hot weather means swimming.  They are very excited that I have a pool easily accessible.  Now swimming won’t just mean trips out to my parents’ this summer.  The only problem with my pool is that they have to be monitored.  I’m not a big fan of short shorts or sleeveless so I’m guessing I’ll have the best farmers tan around.  Either that or I’ll have to wear my swim suit.  I’m not a big fan of wearing my swimsuit either.

I’m out of Diet Coke.  I’m drinking the last regular Coke in my fridge.  It’s Fleur de lis’s Coke, but I don’t think she’ll mind.

I still need to pay rent.  I usually pay early, but April just got away from me.

My head hurts.

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I blogged here. I know I was out for a bit, but I had planned to blog more often. I just got busy I guess.

So I’ve had a migraine for 3 days. Even on medicine it hasn’t totally gone away. I woke up with it on Friday and took drugs to fight it. I was fine all day. Woke up Saturday morning with it again. Took drugs. Took drugs Saturday evening. Took Excedrin this morning in hopes that it will knock out what little bit is left. We’ll see.

And because of that nagging headache I’m going to get off the computer. I’ve already skimmed all of your fabulous blogs and now my eyes are tired.

I think I am about to stress out.

This week at school is going to be hell.  I will have my kids from the time they walk in the door until the last bus comes to pick them up.  No break at all.  Thankfully we will still be allowed to go outside so we might have to have extra recess time for my sanity.

I think I might have a bowel blockage.  Normally I don’t pay much attention to my bowels, but I’ve been having a strange symptom for the past several days.  Around my belly button I feel movement and at times I can even see it.  It doesn’t feel like gas pains at all.  In fact it feels like I felt when I was pregnant and the baby would move.  There is no way I can be pregnant so I finally started looking online for what it could possibly be.  Turns out I have several symptoms for a bowel blockage.  I need to go to the doctor and have an ultrasound, but I have no time to do that.  I read about the treatment and it includes putting a tube through your nose into your stomach to try to fix it or surgery to remove it.  I don’t have time to do either one of those.  Not until summer.  I’m not sure if this is something I can put off until summer though.

Fleur de lis has a few big things coming up as well that have my mind in a state of flux.

And last, but most importantly I am at the beginning of a 6 week waiting period.  I can’t tell you what I’m waiting for, but it is going to be difficult.  And long.  And with all the other stuff going on it’s going to feel much longer than that I’m afraid.

I wish it was June.

I think I need a break.  This day knocked me on my ass.  That surprised me.  So much that I want.  So much that I’m scared of.  I didn’t know it until today.  But I still want.  I know it’s not fair to others.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  But I am.  No matter what I do I am.  I’m not nearly as brave as everyone said.

I know I really don’t have any right to complain, but brace yourself for the whining anyway.

After I moved out of the house the laundry has never been done the same.  Dirty clothes are never sorted by color or type or anything.  Everything is just thrown together and washed.  Clean clothes are piled in huge piles in the upstairs loft and folded when someone gets around to it.  They will probably be there several days.  After they are folded they sit in piles waiting for their owner to decide to put them away.  This could also take several days.  During this time the piles might be dug through as kids look for their favorite shirt or a clean pair of underwear.  After the piles have finally been put away there are remnants of laundry scattered all over the floor.  Socks without matches, used dryer sheets, random underwear, kitchen towels and who knows what else.  These things stay scattered around the room until they are deemed dirty again and rewashed.  It is a never ending cycle.

The loft on a good day.

The other day I picked up the loft.  I threw away 12 dryer sheets.  I folded what laundry was left choosing to rewash most of the socks because by that point several dirty ones had been discarded around the room as well.  I wasn’t about to do the sniff test on them.  Really…it’s insane.  It’s gotten to the point where at least 2 of my kids wear mismatched socks to school on a regular basis.  Now I understand that kids are lazy and oftentimes don’t care about their socks.  When I did laundry on a regular basis they wore matched socks because I either made them match them or I did it.  There was never opportunity to wear mismatched socks.  I guess I shouldn’t care much, but it bothers me.  In fact the condition of the house as a whole bothers me greatly.

This weekend I had the kids to myself, because their dad was out of town.  I planned to make them help me clean the place up.  On Saturday morning before we had a chance to get started my dad showed up to do a few repairs.  He was not a happy camper.  You see the house is his.  He bought it for us when we moved back to the states.  He knew how much I needed to have my own place when I got back so he made sure I did.  The house was beautiful.  The yard was immaculate.  It was perfect.  When I decided to divorce my husband I knew that I would be the one moving out of the house.  I knew that there was no way he would agree to it.  I was ok with leaving it, because I knew I couldn’t really afford to pay the rent on it.  I knew my dad would agree that me moving out would be the best thing.  So the house has slowly fallen on hard times.  I come over and cook, and help pick things up, but I rarely have time to do much cleaning.  Part of me gets frustrated that it doesn’t seem to matter if I clean or not, because it will never stay that way.  After my dad left we cleaned.  We folded clothes.  We dusted and wiped and vacuumed and mopped.  Every room in the house was cleaned.  I did loads of laundry as well.  By the time Ross got home on Sunday afternoon the house was done.

Ross says he’s going to hire someone to come in and clean for him.  I don’t blame him.  He works long hours.  He can afford a house cleaner.  I just hope he actually does it.  He’s not so great at following through on stuff like this though so I’m not holding my breath.  I just know that I don’t want to keep cleaning his place and mine.  If a housecleaner does come the kids will have to pick things up before she can clean, but maybe knowing someone is coming to finish the job will be the incentive they need to start it.