Midlife Natalie

I was listening to the radio this morning when this song came on. I’d heard it before, but today, for some reason, it resonated with me for so many reasons.

Here are the lyrics..

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
(X2)

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave.

So here is where you get the chance to say whatever you want in my comments. Feel free to be anonymous if necessary. Also, you are welcome to email me your words if you aren’t quite ready to share them publicly.

Midlifenatalie@aol.com

Be brave! It’s hard to do, but it feels so good to let it out!

I am a good girl.  That’s what people call me.  I grew up in church and am committed to my faith.  I don’t think faith and church are the same thing though.  I am not a regular church attender despite the fact that I am a member of one that I absolutely love.  But God is important to me.  I see Him working in my life.  I have no problem getting out of my own way and letting Him take over.  I feel a sense of peace when I think about the future.  I am not worried about it where I’ll be or how I’ll be getting along at all.  I know God is in control and that even if my future is full of hardships, I can turn to Him for comfort and peace.  I’ve done it before.  Even in the midst of huge trials, I knew that they were temporary.  I knew that God was working on me.  And I was willing to be teachable.

One thing that makes me a good girl that many people comment on is my cussing and drinking.  Or the lack thereof.  I do cuss a little…but not even every day.  I do have a drink on occasion, but neither of these things is necessary for me.  I didn’t grow up cussing so for a naughty word to come out of my mouth, it has to be thought about before hand.  Most of the time.  I tend to say Jeez Louise or Good Cow or Oh My instead.  They come much more naturally.  That being said, I don’t care one bit if someone else cusses.  I am not offended at all.  Living in another country really sealed the deal that words were words for me.  Words that might offend a Turk didn’t affect my sensibilities at all, and I heard so many Turks use English cuss words just because they knew I spoke English that it was almost amusing.  I didn’t like for people to use foul language in front of my kids.  I’m still not a fan of that, but I get that it might happen.  That’s ok.  They are getting older and will decide for themselves what words will and will not be a part of their vocabulary.

Both Chicory Root and Sweet Tea made the comment at one point that they had ruined me because I said a cuss word or two here and there.  They were worried that their richer vocabulary might have affected mine.  That wasn’t the case.  I am careful with my audience.  Back when I had my first blog, I  wouldn’t have ever written a cuss word in a post.  I had a pretty good following from my church and missions organization so I made sure I didn’t offend with language.  When I’m with my parents, siblings, and kids, I would never use a cuss word in conversation.  We didn’t do it growing up and I have no need to start now.  Now that I write here, I will occasionally use words that I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying just 5 years ago on this blog and in real life with people I know won’t be offended.  I guess I’m evolving in the language department.

And the whole drinking thing.  I like some drinks, but I don’t have to have anything.  I enjoy a margarita every now and then.  I am a fan of jello shots.  I like a vodka, cranberry and sprite spritzer every once in a while as well.  I might have a drink once a week.  Maybe.  I have had too much to drink twice in my life, and after the last time, I vowed that it would never happen again.  I don’t enjoy alcohol nearly enough to be a drunk.  Anyone can drink me under the table and I am ok with that.

I do have other vices.  Diet Coke.  I’m addicted.  I am somewhat stubborn.  I like things done a certain way.  I tend to be a rule follower.  And I spend way too much time on social media.  (Well…other than during working hours.  The kindergarteners don’t really leave time for that during the day!)  I have failed miserably in my resolution to take my dog for daily walks. ( I blame the weather.  I stay cold even in the house, so the thought of going out on these really cold days doesn’t appeal to me.  This week the highs are going to be in the 70s and the lows in the 60s so maybe I’ll kick it back into gear.)  And cheese.  (Despite the fact that I am allergic to cow’s milk, I eat cheese and then have tummy aches.  I’m awesome like that.)

So I guess I’m a good girl.  I’ll take it.

Edited…And in no way am I defining the word good.  It’s just what people call me.  I have no problems with drinking, cussing, or the like.  I do have issues with people who are dishonest and untrustworthy.  Integrity is a huge thing for me.

OH…and for the record, bad girls are kinda hot!

A couple of years ago, one of the blinker lights on my van went out.  I planned to take it somewhere to get it fixed, but someone recommended going to AutoZone and getting a new one and doing it myself.  I went and got a new bulb, and then the guys there offered to fix it for me.  Score!  When I purchased the lightbulb that day, I got a two pack so I’ve been carrying this extra lightbulb around in my glove box for the last 2 years.

The other day one of the brake lights went out on my van.  I figured I would go back to AutoZone and let them do their magic again.  Then I remembered that extra bulb I had.  I wondered if I could actually change the brake light myself.  I talked to my dad about it, because I wasn’t where I could actually check to see if I could fix it and he offered to come over the next day to see if he could take care of it.

When I got home I decided to see how butch I could be and try and fix it myself.  I turned the key on the car so the lights would could one and got to work.  Looking at the car, I could see that there were two screws to take out.  I did that.  Hm…I pulled on the light and the whole plastic container popped out.  I managed to get to the burnt out lightbulb and put the new one in.  It didn’t seem to be working.  I adjusted and looked at wires and figured my lightbulb was bad.  I left the new bulb in there figuring I’d have to take a trip to AutoZone anyway.

After shutting the car off and coming inside feeling like I failed as a lesbian, I thought that maybe I should go back out and restart the car.  Maybe it needed to be turned off and back on again after the new lightbulb was installed.

Score!  The lights worked perfectly.  I walked back in the house feeling like I had definitely earned my lesbian card!  I was so attracted to myself at that moment, and I had the urge to do this…

Unfortunately there wasn’t anyone home to bask in my greatness.  I texted my dad and told him that I was able to fix it.  He said he was calling me next time!

Hee Hee!  I still giggle over the whole thing!

I can’t stop listening to this.  Over and over and over.

What is wrong with me??

I mentioned in previous blog posts that I have loved getting to “meet” other bloggers over the internet. There are some really interesting people out there. People who I never would have met if we didn’t share this crazy thing called blogging. People who get my need to blog…who have that same need. People who understand how it feels to put something down on virtual paper for myself and for others to read. These friends come from all walks of life. Some are older than me. Some are around my age. Some quite a bit younger. Some married. Some single. Some Christians. Some Muslims. Some gay. Some live in America. Some from many other countries. We are all individuals. All different. But we all have one at least this one thing in common. We blog. We put our thoughts and feelings out there for others to read. We invite others to examine our lives and comment on what they see. Sometimes what we see in others makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes we squirm in our seats because of the ideas presented to us from other bloggers. But always we think. We feel. And we examine our own hearts and lives and hope to grow in some way through sharing our lives with each other.

So guys here’s to you! Thanks for taking time to get to know me. To read my ramblings. And to leave your mark as well.

In 2008, my wasband and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary.  Not long before the big day someone asked me about the most memorable anniversary present I’d ever received from him.  I thought long and hard and couldn’t come up with a gift.  Now, I don’t blame him at all.  I tend to be a pretty practical person.  I love when someone is thoughtful and gets me a gift that they think I’ll like, but I am also quite happy with stuff I need.  I’m sure he’d gotten perfectly fine gifts over the years, but I couldn’t come up with what they had been.  I did remember a Valentine’s gift that I received in 2000 so I shared that story.  Later when we were talking about it, my wasband was feeling like he’d done a lousy job of making me feel special.  He decided to make it up to me on our 17th wedding anniversary.

And here is where I must say that it was during this time that I was having my major life crisis.  I was in the midst of an online love affair.  I was dealing with the fact that I knew I was gay, and I was trying to figure out what to do with all of that.  A wedding anniversary was the last thing I felt like celebrating.

We decided to get away for the weekend to celebrate.  We drove to the Cappadocia region of Turkey.  It is one of my most favorite places to go!  After we arrived, my wasband gave me a card with the number 1 on it.  Inside was a sweet note and a gift.  Later that evening, I was given a card with a 2 on it and another gift.    And then came cards 3, 4, and 5.  All with gifts.  I started realizing that the gifts and cards were following a theme.  The first card represented our first anniversary and the gift was a traditional paper gift.  Number 2 was cotton, number 3 leather and so on.  In an attempt to make it the most special anniversary ever, my wasband was giving me a card and gift for all 17 years of our marriage.  I felt like dying.  I dreaded opening any more cards and seeing any more gifts.  I was a terrible, horrible person for loving someone other than my husband and while he knew I was struggling, he had no idea how much.  And I had 12 more cards and gifts to open.

I managed to make it through the weekend but not without tears.  We hung out, hiked around, and had so much fun, but there was a cloud hanging over me the whole time.  I knew that there would be card after card to open.  Each one with a sweet note.  Each one making me feel like the worst wife in the world.  I got through it and even blogged about the great time we had after we got back home.

And because I was thinking about this moment, I went back and read those blog posts I wrote after our trip.  And after much thought, I decided to link them here.  My wasband is a great guy who is now married to a great girl.  Thankfully, we are friends again.  I am so thankful that I captured these memories and can see how much fun the weekend truly was.

The road to our hotel

Our cave hotel

Exploring underground cities

The Salt Lake

And all of this makes me long for an adventure…

How about it, Candied Jansen?

I have been sitting here staring at this white screen for a long time.  It’s not that I can’t think of anything to say.  There are words.  I am so full of words that I could explode.  They are everywhere I turn, splashing about and crying out for my attention, but try as I might, I can’t make them flow neatly in a line one after the other.  Trying to tame my words is like trying to push the ocean through a straw.  So I sit here feeling full.  Warm.  Waiting for the words to line up and spill over to this place.

Last night I went on a second date.  That’s right…I completely left you people out of the loop about the first date.  A girl’s got to have a few secrets!  But now that there’s been a second date with talk of more, I have decided to fill you in on my little secret.

I “met” this girl in the summer of 2011 while she was working overseas.  Our relationship centered around scores of emails back and forth which were amazingly long and detailed.  I loved getting to know her that way.  As you guys already know, I am a words person, so to read her words was the perfect beginning to our friendship.  By the time she came back from her assignment, I had started dating my ex so she and I became Facebook friends and that was how it stayed until last week.

Last week, after a couple of random Facebook comments shared between us, she messaged me to let me know that she was interested in meeting me and asked if I wanted to meet her for dinner.  Of course I did!  She drove over to my part of town and we finally got to meet in person!  Yay!  She was absolutely, perfectly sweet!  I loved watching how she treated others.  The man at the bar who was chatty, the couple who gave us their seats when they got up to leave, and I’m pretty sure our waiter, Brian, was enamored with her as well, because he kept coming by to talk and only had eyes for her.  It was somewhat adorable!

Because our plans were hastily thrown together at the last minute, we only did dinner, but we were there a long time.  We talked and talked and talked.  Hours and never a lull in the conversation.

After we parted ways, we texted several times to say how much we enjoyed the evening and made plans for date number 2, one week later.

She invited me to her place for dinner and a movie.  She cooked delicious grilled shrimp and veggies and even fixed my plate which I loved.  She had three different types of wine, and I tasted them all.  She even bought Diet Coke for me despite the fact that she doesn’t drink soda herself.

Her movie choice was extremely brilliant and thoughtful.  The Words.  I had never seen it, but she thought I would enjoy it since it is about a writer and the love of words.  It was really good.

I finally left her place at 1:15 in the morning.  Seven hours after I arrived.  We were together for 7 hours!  And we talked and talked and talked.  Hours and never a lull in the conversation.  Except for when she kissed me.   Of course.

After I got home in the wee hours of the morning, we spent time texting.  I guess we weren’t done talking.  We’ve texted back and forth off and on today.  More words.  And plans have been made for Friday night and for a weekend in the future.  I can’t wait!

Since I’m writing about her here, I needed to give her a name.  After much thought, I’ve decided to call her Candied Jansen.  Candied because she is so sweet.  And Jansen because it was the name of the writer in the movie and it makes me smile.  It’s a good name.  It fits.