Monthly Archives: February 2014

My whole life I’ve always been an organized person. I can’t help it…I like order and control. I don’t always have to have control of everything, but I like things to be controlled. Things have a place. I like knowing what I will find when I open a drawer or cabinet in the kitchen. If I need something, I know exactly where to go looking for it. When I use something, I always put it back where it belongs when I’m done. I make lists of goals, keep calendars so I can look back at what I’ve done, and keep fairly meticulous files. I still have a weight loss journal that I kept in 2003 of measurements, food eaten, and weight lost. It was completely hand written. In 2007, I decided to go on another diet and made a chart on the computer and filled it in daily by hand. A year ago, when I took the Financial Peace class, I used their forms and filled out my budget by hand monthly. It was totally right up my alley when it came to organization. People at school call on me when they need to know things, because they know that I will know. My principal seems to sign me up for every committee because she knows I’ll pay attention and do it. I’m good with that.

I say all of that to say this…

Last night I was with Candied Jansen at her house. She has calendars (yes, plural) on her refrigerator door to keep herself organized. She had spreadsheets of goals taped to her mirror in the bathroom. She has a coupon/wallet thing that she carries with her everywhere and operates on a cash only system. Whatever cash isn’t spent on the allotted category is then put into a completely different account…it isn’t considered free money. She already has a budget for 2015 that she’s plugging numbers into. I didn’t go through her cabinets or drawers to see how organized they were…I’ll do that one day when she isn’t looking, but her house is always neat which I love!

The other night we were chatting on the phone, and I mentioned that I loved to cook. That I learned to cook from scratch when I lived in Turkey because if I wanted something special to eat, I had to learn how to make it myself. That I didn’t always cook from scratch in the states, because I am not a stay at home mom anymore, but that yes, I did know how to make gumbo. The groans on the other end of the line were like nothing I’d heard before. It was like Food Porn…amazing.

And then last night, she mentioned the movie Divergent coming out and how she wanted to see it. I told her a few days ago that I read the books so I brought them for her to borrow. We started talking Children’s Literature…or rather, I started talking Children’s Literature, and I told her how I read books to my own kids and the kids in my classes all the time. That it was one of my most favorite things to do. The look on her face was awesome! She was totally turned on by the thought of me reading aloud which I found amusing and HOT at the same time! Whew!

Organized, goal oriented, looking at the big picture, food porn, and listening to me talk children’s lit…

I think I’ve met my match!

Confucius said that.  I agree with him.  I love to travel…near, far, new, old.  It is something I grew up doing and have continued to do as an adult.  I love places that are out of the way as well as places everyone thinks are must sees.  As long as I have a camera to capture the beauty, the raw intensity, the peacefulness, the heart of the place I’m visiting, I am happy.  Here is a post I wrote back in 2008.  I was reminded of it tonight and wanted to share.  Click on the pictures to enlarge them…you won’t regret it!

My favorite place in Istanbul. Yerebatan…the cisterns in Sultanahmet. Here is a brief description and then a few pictures.

Yerebatan is a Byzantine cistern (underground water storage place) dating back to the 6th century. This cistern has fine brick vaulting supported by 336 Corinthian columns. It is the largest covered cistern in Istanbul, dating back to the Roman times. It’s dimensions are 140 by 70 meters, and it is capable of holding 80,000 cubic meters of water. The Basilica Cistern was actually the reservoir for the prodigious quantity of water required for the Byzantine Great Palace, and it is thought to date back to the reign of Justinian in 532. Today it is virtually empty; only a couple of feet of water line the bottom. Wooden walkways have been constructed for visitors.

Isn’t this beautiful? It is quiet and peaceful…and I just love it. Most of the columns are just plain marble ones.

Fish in the water.

One of three different columns in the cisterns.

The base of this column is a Medusa head. The builders of the cisterns used whatever kinds of materials they found and often times that meant pieces from other ruins. This Medusa head was probably originally on top of something. Now it is used as a base for a column.

A picture of the head right side up.

Another Medusa head used to support a column.

And here it is right side up. They were used at the base of the columns and turned sideways and upside down to show disrespect.

I have heard so many people say that the cisterns aren’t a big deal, but I would visit them every time I went to Istanbul if I could. The fact that this place has been around for 1500 years is amazing to me. Amazing.

I was talking to a friend about a personality test she had to take for her class.  She came up with a personality that only 2% of the population has and only 0.8% of women.  She likened it to being a unicorn.  After we talked about her sad state of affairs…her words…not mine, I decided to take the same test just for fun.  I’ve taken it before and I always end up right down the middle with no clear definition for who I am.  I’ve copied and pasted the parts in bold and added commentary.

Ok…I’m ESTJ.

People with ESTJ personality type are very dedicated and responsible. An ESTJ will do everything they can to fulfill their duties and meet their promises. People with this personality type respect and promote a good work ethic, and strongly detest cheating or any attempts to cut corners, especially in the workplace. Positions of authority must be earned. Period.

Yes…all me!

ESTJs are usually strong-willed and not afraid to voice and defend their opinions, even if they are facing a formidable opposition. 

Me again…

As Sensors (S), ESTJs live in the world of clear and verifiable facts. They are honest and direct, living in the present and taking note of everything that is happening around them. ESTJ personalities tend to have a clear vision and understanding of what is acceptable and what is not.

Yep

I do not like organizing people or developing or improving action plans though.  I would much rather take someone else’s plan and do what they need me to do.  I am on every committee at school because they know I’ll take notes and do what I’m told.

As far as relationships go…

When it comes to sexuality, ESTJs are likely to prioritize the physical side of intimacy rather than approach it from the spiritual or highly emotional perspective. ESTJ personalities tend to be very energetic, especially where their duties are concerned – this also applies to the sexual side of their relationships. The ESTJ is unlikely to be expressive verbally, but their sensuality will more than compensate for that.  

Totally true of me.  I do like the emotional connection of intimacy though so that part was a tad but off, but physical intimacy is important to me.

Talking of emotions, it is safe to say that they are likely to cause some of the most significant difficulties in ESTJ relationships. Despite being very social, ESTJs are not too good at deciphering the feelings of other people and can often be quite inattentive when it comes to sensing how their dating or a long-term partner feels.

I regret to say that expressing emotions sometimes makes me uncomfortable.  I think this is a learned behavior though.  Opening up and being vulnerable…scary!  I know that with my friend from France I had no problem saying how I felt because I was so sure of how I was feeling.  It’s when I am not sure of how I feel or how the other person feels that I hesitate to speak up.  I also need to be told sometimes what my partner needs.  I have no problem stepping up but sometimes I need to be reminded of that.   I also think this is one of those things that goes along with rejection and is somewhat of a learned behavior for me.  In past relationships, if I thought the other person wasn’t interested in me, why would they want me to be all lovey dovey with them?  It didn’t make sense.  In reality, if I had been more lovey-dovey then they might have wanted more physical intimacy.   I don’t know.  Also, the behavior of others highly dictates how much I open up to them.  If I feel bullied or like I don’t matter, or if I am spoken to harshly, I know it affects how I treat those people.  I know I pull back.  I say that because almost everyone who knows me as a friend sees the tender side much more than either of the last two girlfriends did.  I am complimented on how well I listen and my servant-heartedness.  I love to make people feel special.  I know it’s an area that I failed in somewhat in my last 2 relationships so I know to work on it in any future relationship.

And now I will look at each trait individually…

E – I am an extrovert, but barely.  I love going out and doing stuff with friends, but I love coming home to a quiet house as well.  I need my alone time or quiet time after a day at work.  Maybe because I work with kids…  There are days I don’t turn on my radio in the car on the way home from school because I am so tired of noise.

S – I am totally an Sensing person over a Intuitive.  I am introspective, but only because I always want to make sure I am doing the right thing.  I examine my own emotions and thoughts in so many situations.  I am usually very observant about what matters.  I won’t notice what someone is wearing…just that they look good.  But I will be able to tell you the name of their best friend from elementary school as well as any other tidbits they mentioned.  I pay attention to details.

T – I am definitely a thinker over a feeler.  I think this is partly a coping mechanism in some ways.  I think as a young person I would have been more of a feeler, but as I’ve gotten older and wiser, I’ve learned the art of thinking.  I also had to put my emotions aside for so many years because of the whole gay thing that it is easier than allowing myself to feel.

J – Judging for sure.  There is right and wrong…for me.  Now I will say that after living in another culture and seeing another religion I am much less likely to judge others.  I get that people might not think like I do and I do NOT have any problems with them if they don’t.  I do, however, still judge myself quite harshly.

And I’ll close with these things that I felt like are me but weren’t included at all…

I am fairly laid back.  I do not get my feathers ruffled easily at all.  I am extremely slow to anger…often making excuses for the other person instead of calling them on their shit.

I do like organization and control, but I usually only take it in places that are mine.  Like my closet.  Organized by color and season.  It’s mine and it doesn’t matter what anyone else does.  I do not make others follow my organizational patterns though.  My daughters are the worst about organization.  It drives me crazy, but it’s their stuff…their rooms…and as long as they are kinda clean I don’t care.  Even the clean part doesn’t bother me too much, because I just avoid looking at them so I don’t stress about it.   I did my ex’s laundry during our entire relationship.  I hung her clothes up the same way I did mine because if I didn’t they would have stayed in a laundry basket.  I didn’t like seeing the basket full of clean clothes in the closet so I hung them up.  It didn’t bother me at all to do that, and she actually liked being able to see what was clean.

I am somewhat indecisive but only because I usually don’t care.  I think I’ve said that before.  It’s not that I can’t make a decision…I just don’t care to make one.  If someone else has a preference, I am happy to go with that.  Most of the time.

I am a big adventure lover.  I love to have fun and try new things.  Within reason…nothing scary!!

I am also not good at delegating tasks to others.  It’s not that I don’t think they’ll do them right though.  It’s more that I don’t want to inconvenience anyone else so I tend to try to do it all myself.  I think if I was in a management position I would be able to delegate ok, but it would take a bit of work on my part.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve done much better at passing off tasks, but it has been a learned thing.

Edited – For those who saw this post in it’s original form, the crazy font sizes and styles was more than I could handle. I had to fix it.

I was listening to the radio this morning when this song came on. I’d heard it before, but today, for some reason, it resonated with me for so many reasons.

Here are the lyrics..

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
(X2)

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave.

So here is where you get the chance to say whatever you want in my comments. Feel free to be anonymous if necessary. Also, you are welcome to email me your words if you aren’t quite ready to share them publicly.

Midlifenatalie@aol.com

Be brave! It’s hard to do, but it feels so good to let it out!

I am a good girl.  That’s what people call me.  I grew up in church and am committed to my faith.  I don’t think faith and church are the same thing though.  I am not a regular church attender despite the fact that I am a member of one that I absolutely love.  But God is important to me.  I see Him working in my life.  I have no problem getting out of my own way and letting Him take over.  I feel a sense of peace when I think about the future.  I am not worried about it where I’ll be or how I’ll be getting along at all.  I know God is in control and that even if my future is full of hardships, I can turn to Him for comfort and peace.  I’ve done it before.  Even in the midst of huge trials, I knew that they were temporary.  I knew that God was working on me.  And I was willing to be teachable.

One thing that makes me a good girl that many people comment on is my cussing and drinking.  Or the lack thereof.  I do cuss a little…but not even every day.  I do have a drink on occasion, but neither of these things is necessary for me.  I didn’t grow up cussing so for a naughty word to come out of my mouth, it has to be thought about before hand.  Most of the time.  I tend to say Jeez Louise or Good Cow or Oh My instead.  They come much more naturally.  That being said, I don’t care one bit if someone else cusses.  I am not offended at all.  Living in another country really sealed the deal that words were words for me.  Words that might offend a Turk didn’t affect my sensibilities at all, and I heard so many Turks use English cuss words just because they knew I spoke English that it was almost amusing.  I didn’t like for people to use foul language in front of my kids.  I’m still not a fan of that, but I get that it might happen.  That’s ok.  They are getting older and will decide for themselves what words will and will not be a part of their vocabulary.

Both Chicory Root and Sweet Tea made the comment at one point that they had ruined me because I said a cuss word or two here and there.  They were worried that their richer vocabulary might have affected mine.  That wasn’t the case.  I am careful with my audience.  Back when I had my first blog, I  wouldn’t have ever written a cuss word in a post.  I had a pretty good following from my church and missions organization so I made sure I didn’t offend with language.  When I’m with my parents, siblings, and kids, I would never use a cuss word in conversation.  We didn’t do it growing up and I have no need to start now.  Now that I write here, I will occasionally use words that I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying just 5 years ago on this blog and in real life with people I know won’t be offended.  I guess I’m evolving in the language department.

And the whole drinking thing.  I like some drinks, but I don’t have to have anything.  I enjoy a margarita every now and then.  I am a fan of jello shots.  I like a vodka, cranberry and sprite spritzer every once in a while as well.  I might have a drink once a week.  Maybe.  I have had too much to drink twice in my life, and after the last time, I vowed that it would never happen again.  I don’t enjoy alcohol nearly enough to be a drunk.  Anyone can drink me under the table and I am ok with that.

I do have other vices.  Diet Coke.  I’m addicted.  I am somewhat stubborn.  I like things done a certain way.  I tend to be a rule follower.  And I spend way too much time on social media.  (Well…other than during working hours.  The kindergarteners don’t really leave time for that during the day!)  I have failed miserably in my resolution to take my dog for daily walks. ( I blame the weather.  I stay cold even in the house, so the thought of going out on these really cold days doesn’t appeal to me.  This week the highs are going to be in the 70s and the lows in the 60s so maybe I’ll kick it back into gear.)  And cheese.  (Despite the fact that I am allergic to cow’s milk, I eat cheese and then have tummy aches.  I’m awesome like that.)

So I guess I’m a good girl.  I’ll take it.

Edited…And in no way am I defining the word good.  It’s just what people call me.  I have no problems with drinking, cussing, or the like.  I do have issues with people who are dishonest and untrustworthy.  Integrity is a huge thing for me.

OH…and for the record, bad girls are kinda hot!

A couple of years ago, one of the blinker lights on my van went out.  I planned to take it somewhere to get it fixed, but someone recommended going to AutoZone and getting a new one and doing it myself.  I went and got a new bulb, and then the guys there offered to fix it for me.  Score!  When I purchased the lightbulb that day, I got a two pack so I’ve been carrying this extra lightbulb around in my glove box for the last 2 years.

The other day one of the brake lights went out on my van.  I figured I would go back to AutoZone and let them do their magic again.  Then I remembered that extra bulb I had.  I wondered if I could actually change the brake light myself.  I talked to my dad about it, because I wasn’t where I could actually check to see if I could fix it and he offered to come over the next day to see if he could take care of it.

When I got home I decided to see how butch I could be and try and fix it myself.  I turned the key on the car so the lights would could one and got to work.  Looking at the car, I could see that there were two screws to take out.  I did that.  Hm…I pulled on the light and the whole plastic container popped out.  I managed to get to the burnt out lightbulb and put the new one in.  It didn’t seem to be working.  I adjusted and looked at wires and figured my lightbulb was bad.  I left the new bulb in there figuring I’d have to take a trip to AutoZone anyway.

After shutting the car off and coming inside feeling like I failed as a lesbian, I thought that maybe I should go back out and restart the car.  Maybe it needed to be turned off and back on again after the new lightbulb was installed.

Score!  The lights worked perfectly.  I walked back in the house feeling like I had definitely earned my lesbian card!  I was so attracted to myself at that moment, and I had the urge to do this…

Unfortunately there wasn’t anyone home to bask in my greatness.  I texted my dad and told him that I was able to fix it.  He said he was calling me next time!

Hee Hee!  I still giggle over the whole thing!

I can’t stop listening to this.  Over and over and over.

What is wrong with me??

I mentioned in previous blog posts that I have loved getting to “meet” other bloggers over the internet. There are some really interesting people out there. People who I never would have met if we didn’t share this crazy thing called blogging. People who get my need to blog…who have that same need. People who understand how it feels to put something down on virtual paper for myself and for others to read. These friends come from all walks of life. Some are older than me. Some are around my age. Some quite a bit younger. Some married. Some single. Some Christians. Some Muslims. Some gay. Some live in America. Some from many other countries. We are all individuals. All different. But we all have one at least this one thing in common. We blog. We put our thoughts and feelings out there for others to read. We invite others to examine our lives and comment on what they see. Sometimes what we see in others makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes we squirm in our seats because of the ideas presented to us from other bloggers. But always we think. We feel. And we examine our own hearts and lives and hope to grow in some way through sharing our lives with each other.

So guys here’s to you! Thanks for taking time to get to know me. To read my ramblings. And to leave your mark as well.

In 2008, my wasband and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary.  Not long before the big day someone asked me about the most memorable anniversary present I’d ever received from him.  I thought long and hard and couldn’t come up with a gift.  Now, I don’t blame him at all.  I tend to be a pretty practical person.  I love when someone is thoughtful and gets me a gift that they think I’ll like, but I am also quite happy with stuff I need.  I’m sure he’d gotten perfectly fine gifts over the years, but I couldn’t come up with what they had been.  I did remember a Valentine’s gift that I received in 2000 so I shared that story.  Later when we were talking about it, my wasband was feeling like he’d done a lousy job of making me feel special.  He decided to make it up to me on our 17th wedding anniversary.

And here is where I must say that it was during this time that I was having my major life crisis.  I was in the midst of an online love affair.  I was dealing with the fact that I knew I was gay, and I was trying to figure out what to do with all of that.  A wedding anniversary was the last thing I felt like celebrating.

We decided to get away for the weekend to celebrate.  We drove to the Cappadocia region of Turkey.  It is one of my most favorite places to go!  After we arrived, my wasband gave me a card with the number 1 on it.  Inside was a sweet note and a gift.  Later that evening, I was given a card with a 2 on it and another gift.    And then came cards 3, 4, and 5.  All with gifts.  I started realizing that the gifts and cards were following a theme.  The first card represented our first anniversary and the gift was a traditional paper gift.  Number 2 was cotton, number 3 leather and so on.  In an attempt to make it the most special anniversary ever, my wasband was giving me a card and gift for all 17 years of our marriage.  I felt like dying.  I dreaded opening any more cards and seeing any more gifts.  I was a terrible, horrible person for loving someone other than my husband and while he knew I was struggling, he had no idea how much.  And I had 12 more cards and gifts to open.

I managed to make it through the weekend but not without tears.  We hung out, hiked around, and had so much fun, but there was a cloud hanging over me the whole time.  I knew that there would be card after card to open.  Each one with a sweet note.  Each one making me feel like the worst wife in the world.  I got through it and even blogged about the great time we had after we got back home.

And because I was thinking about this moment, I went back and read those blog posts I wrote after our trip.  And after much thought, I decided to link them here.  My wasband is a great guy who is now married to a great girl.  Thankfully, we are friends again.  I am so thankful that I captured these memories and can see how much fun the weekend truly was.

The road to our hotel

Our cave hotel

Exploring underground cities

The Salt Lake

And all of this makes me long for an adventure…

How about it, Candied Jansen?