Author Archives: midlifenatalie

What an insane week I’ve had!  Over 40 hours of work, forcing my daughter to practice driving, as well as normal household chores have kept me away from the computer.  I’ve barely had time to check email!  I am so glad it’s the weekend.  Hopefully the stress pain in my right shoulder and neck will subside some now that I have time to rest.  And rest I plan to do.  I took some Tylenol pm tonight with plans to sleep in tomorrow.  I’ll believe that when I actually do it though.  I’ve gotten so used to getting up early that I can’t really sleep in.  Hopefully I’ll sleep later than 3:30am which is what time I had to get up this morning.  I’m aiming for 8am, but I’ll be happy if I hit 7am.  

I’ve had several moments this week when I wanted to blog, but there just wasn’t time.  I wish I could remember what was so important that I felt the need to write it down.  

Ok…my eyes are trying to close and I haven’t even really posted.  But I’m headed out.  Or at least to bed.

I feel like I am back in junior high.  Shawna North liked Jimmy Parmer.  So did Sandy Samson.  There was scheming and manipulating and sleuthing going on.  Debbie Newsom was also involved.  And where was I during all of this?  Sitting next to Jimmy.  We had assigned seats…alphabetically.  My last name came just before his.  Now I will admit that I thought Jimmy was pretty cute.  I talked to him from time to time.  I also talked to Shawna and Sandy and Debbie.  I didn’t like the drama around me, but I had a front row seat to it.  I didn’t do things to try to get attention from Jimmy or any of the girls for that matter, but because I sat next to him I got attention.  And I hated it.

I feel that way now.  Like drama’s happening all around me.  I have asked my husband for a divorce.  That is drama I created.  The rest of it is just this extra energy zapping stuff.  I have been an open book for the most part here on this blog.  Granted it is relatively new, but I haven’t tried to hide things from anyone.  I have chosen not to use people’s names just for the sake of privacy.  Quite a few bloggers use pseudonyms for their loved ones.  It makes sense.  Several people who read this blog know the real names of those I’ve mentioned anyway.  I am perfectly fine with that.  I am not hiding from the world.  I am not hiding from anyone.  It’s true that I created this place because of feeling stifled at my old place.  I didn’t invite all those readers to this blog for that very reason.  I would rather keep that other place for family and some friends and have this place for the others.  It’s better that they are protected from what they might read here.

I think there is a time and place for everything.  Now is not the time for some things to be said.  Sometimes it is never time for things to be said.  One of these days I might reveal the real names of some of the people I’ve mentioned here.  But then again I might not.  Not to keep secrets from people, but for the sake of privacy.  And really does it matter?

One thing I will never do here on this blog is talk bad about others.  I have talked about my family and a few friends.  I have shared their responses to what I am going through.  Through all of it I have tried to see things through their eyes.  I have not bad-mouthed them.  I have not played the poor, poor, pitiful me card.  I have tried to give an honest account of the experience.  Along those same lines I will not talk bad about people on any other social media site.  My tweets and blog comments will never be used to tear someone down or attack their character.  I won’t bait people or manipulate conversations to make myself look good.  It isn’t me, and I don’t enjoy how it makes me feel.

I am living my life.  Trying to take control of parts of it.  Letting go of other parts.  I don’t have time to be anxious or worried.  I don’t have time for drama.  Life is good, and I have some living to do.

I have been in a contemplative mood today.  I was talking to Fleur de lis earlier about some of it, and she asked me if I blogged today.  She told me that I do my best writing when I get in these moods.  Funny that.  I have been meaning to sit down and write all day today because of my mood.  She confirmed what I already knew.  I had to write it down.  

So I’ve been thinking.  Random thoughts held together by a common thread.  That thread…I am about to be single.  For the past 18 years I have had someone else to consider when making a decision.  I often asked for an opinion when it wasn’t really necessary.  Questions like, “What should we have for dinner tonight?”  and “Can you think of anything else we need from the store besides…” and “Which candle scent do you like better…vanilla or cinnamon?”  I could have just taken into account my own opinion and made my choice, but I didn’t.  Now I am facing doing all those things…deciding on dinner, grocery shopping, and making purchases…without having someone else to consider really.  My kids count of course, but I rarely call them up to ask their opinions.  Fleur de lis will be around as well.  I’m sure I’ll ask her those same sorts of questions.  It just feels funny knowing I won’t be asking him.   

I will be getting a place to live, starting utilities, and making other major decisions that I have never had to make on my own before.  I hate making decisions.  I hate shopping around.  Shopping around is important when you are choosing a place to live.  I don’t need to just sign a lease at the first apartment or house I see.  I need to consider my options.  That thought wears me out, and I haven’t even started the process.  It’s not laziness on my part.  It is truly that I do not care.  I don’t need fancy.  I don’t need nice.  I don’t need big.  I need a place to live.  I want it to be odor free, bug free, and repair free.  I want it to be close to where I am now.  I would love for someone to just plop me down in a place that fits those criteria, and it be done.  Someone did that for me/us in our last two homes.  I think it spoiled me.  

It’s been a day since I started this post and the thoughts that were flitting around my head then are not the same thoughts that are here today.  Today I am in a mood.  I am pissy.  I’ve slept off and on for the past 2 days.  My family has been sick so I’ve done what I can to make them feel better.  Today they seem to be better, but still I slept.  During my fitful sleep I had a strange dream.  

I needed to go to the bathroom, and I was in a place where I had to use a public restroom.  For some reason I chose to go to the bathroom without putting on my shoes.  I entered the restroom in my socks and saw that it was quite dirty.  They were working on the restroom so there were buckets of goo, toilets laying on their sides, stalls without doors, and just general mayhem everywhere.  I tiptoed through the maze of dirt and disorder trying to find a clean toilet.  There were none.  I finally chose to squat and pee in a bucket just around the corner from the stalls hoping that nobody would come into the restroom before I could finish.  Because I was peeing in a bucket there was no toilet paper handy.  I decided to use my middle-eastern knowledge and wipe with my left hand.  After I was done I heard several ladies enter the restroom from a second entrance.  I peered around the corner and noticed that those stalls had been finished out and were lovely.  The floor was clean, and there was even an attendant handing out towels after hands were washed.  I couldn’t believe I didn’t continue on around the corner before I squatted over that bucket!  I couldn’t believe that the outside door to the unfinished part of the restroom wasn’t locked.  And where was the sign directing people to the nice clean stalls around the corner?  I washed my hands and took the towel from the attendant.  She looked like she was waiting for a tip, but I wasn’t about to give her one.  I had peed in a bucket and wiped with my hand!  No way was she getting a tip from me.

Fleur de lis is sick.  I hate that.  She won’t let me see her, because she doesn’t want me to catch whatever it is she has.  Intellectually I can understand that seeing her and possibly catching something that could then spread to my kids isn’t  a good idea.  But I am dying.  I hate sitting back and doing nothing.  She lives alone.  I want to make fish sticks and “smac-aroni and cheese” for her.  I want to bring her fluids, and take her temperature, and hold her hand.  I want to run to the store to get her medicine. I want to put a cool cloth on her fevered head.  I want her to fall asleep while I read to her and wake up wanting to know how the story ends.  Silly I guess, but I can’t help it.  I’m not a romantic really.  I just want to do for her what nobody ever has.

I was surfing the internet the other day and came across this tattoo. I shared it with my kids. I shared it on twitter. I showed a few friends.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed watching the different reactions people have had to it. Personally I think it’s quite clever. If people are going to be looking/noticing that a toe is missing you might as well have them giggling over the whole thing.

Friday night I told my kids about the divorce.  Hardest day ever.  I didn’t tell them the reason.  I talked to the lawyer about it, and she recommended that I wait on that one.  She said that it would be better to let them adjust to their parents not being together before we take on that one.  I talked to my husband about it, and he was ok with that idea.  I told my oldest kids first.  I am not going to go into their reactions here.  Just know it was hard.  They told me they loved me and gave me a hug when we ran out of words.  The youngest was the worst.  I knew it would be that way.  I told her separately for that very reason.  She was a textbook case.  She said and did everything you would expect a kid to do.  It just about killed me.  I’ve been watching them over the last two days.  They still seem to be in shock.  They are watching me and my husband.  We are like we’ve always been.  Talking, laughing, and being friendly.  Maybe it helps that they see that we are still friends.  Maybe it would be better if we were fighting.  That would make more sense to them.  I wonder if giving them a reason would have made it easier or harder.  So many thoughts.  My youngest summed it up perfectly last night when she said, “this is just so complicated.”  

Today they went to church.  I wonder if they told any of their friends.  I wonder if the phone calls are about to start.  I’m not quite ready for that.  

I’ve turned in my papers, and the lawyer is filing them tomorrow.  

I have a feeling that this is going to be a really long week.

I have this friend.  I haven’t known her long…only a few months…but I feel like I know her well.  We connected, she and I, in that way that is a rarity.  That way that makes you question how long it is exactly that you’ve known each other.  Surely years have passed, but when I think back to where I was just 6 months ago I realize that this friend didn’t know me then.  When I consider all the emotions, all the questions, all the crazy I’ve experienced over the last 2 years and then stop and think about how I didn’t even know this person during most of it I am flabbergasted.  And then I consider the here and now.  How topsy turvy my life currently is.  And I look at my friend.  She had every reason to bow out when we met those few short months ago.  My life was about to get hard.  Why would any sane person choose to have a front row seat to chaos she just learned existed?  But my friend, she didn’t bow out.  She stepped up.  She chose to walk beside me and hold my hand.  She is my steady.  My constant.  A safe place to land after a hard day.  I’ve debated sharing her with you and decided I can’t keep her a secret.

When I first met her I noticed that she wore a chain around her neck with two charms on it.  One of those charms is a Fleur-de-lis.  She explained it’s significance over dinner the first night we met.  As I thought about what to call her here, at least for now, I thought that Fleur-de-lis was perfect.  It’s an emblem that can be political, but at the same time is a beautiful flower…a lily or an iris.  It’s artistic and regal.  It’s been on flags, coins, coats of arms, and in various artwork all throughout history.  Old and new people groups have used it for various purposes which makes it meaningful and versatile.  My favorite thing about it though is that it is often used on a compass rose to mark north.  And if you know where north is you can’t ever get lost.

I need a weekend!  Thankfully that happens tomorrow.  This has been a crazy week.  Some early work days, some staying up late days, and some emotional family days.  

My husband is taking three of the kids out of town on Friday for a quick trip to see his parents.  I am staying at home because the oldest kid works on Saturday and Sunday.  I get to play chauffeur.  My husband is also planning to tell his parents and brother about our situation while he’s with them.  

I still need to blog about the talk with my sister.  I’ll probably get to that this weekend.  

Alright.  Dashing off to work now.  At 4:45 in the morning.

Well…it wasn’t pretty.  Not at all.  I am too emotionally drained to even write anything about it now.  I just wanted to let people know that it may be a couple of days before I can put it all here.  I’m ok.  Still doing this thing.  Just need to process all that was said.

Lesbo says this is my safe place to say anything I want.  Not quite anything.  There are a couple of things I can’t say here just yet.  I am ready to scream them out, but I have to have patience.  Normally I am a very patient person.  I can wait when necessary.  My problem now is that the thing I want to scream out seems so very necessary.  And I can’t do a damn thing about it.  Yet.  

I read back over what I just wrote and wonder if I should even say that much.

Let’s move on to a happier subject.  I am going to see Brad Paisley in concert on Sept. 11!  I can’t even tell you how excited I am about that!  I’ve wanted to see him for awhile now, but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me.  He came to town for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo and nobody would agree to go.  I wasn’t about to go alone.  He’s coming again and this time I get to go.  OH my gosh….BRAD PAISLEY!!!!  I asked a friend if she would go with me, and she said yes.  She ended up getting the tickets for me for my birthday.  And she doesn’t even like country music.  Poor thing will just have to suffer through it.  

And in other news I bought a vanilla lime candle at Yankee Candle the other day.  It smells very much like a margarita which makes me happy.  I LOVE candles.  I love margaritas too, but that’s another story.

See…this is what happens when I can’t talk about what I want to talk about.  You get random drivel.  

Speaking of random drivel…my sister wants to talk to me tomorrow night.  Big huge sigh.  It won’t be random at all.  There is purpose in her visit.  I predict sad and mad as her response to what is going on.  And unlike with my dad I expect to see the anger.  

Ok…I have to stop now.  I am getting frustrated that I have to hold my tongue.  I can’t wait for the freedom to say whatever the hell I want.  I can’t wait!

Before moving to Turkey one of our favorite places to go for the day was to the Kemah boardwalk. We always rode the train, ate some yummy seafood, played in the dancing fountain, and had beignets for dessert. Occasionally we would let the kids ride the ferris wheel or merry-go-round as well. A couple of weeks ago we took our first trip to Kemah since we’ve been back in the states. Evidently Hurricane Ike did quite a bit of damage here, but we couldn’t tell at all. Kemah was back and better than ever! Here are a few pictures of our day.

The train ride. Of course!

Anna Grace screaming in the tunnel.

Erica, Will, and Anna Grace decided to ride the Drop Zone. Jacob didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I didn’t blame him one bit!

Yeah…it was entirely too tall for me! I wish I had a picture of the kids’ faces right after they were dropped. They were scared! Within seconds they were laughing and talking about how fun it was though.

They all decided to take home temporary tattoos as a souvenir.

The day was hot, but we had fun! We had the yummy seafood, ate beignets, and rode a few more rides as well, but somehow I only managed to take these few pictures! We’ll get ’em next time!