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Well…it wasn’t pretty.  Not at all.  I am too emotionally drained to even write anything about it now.  I just wanted to let people know that it may be a couple of days before I can put it all here.  I’m ok.  Still doing this thing.  Just need to process all that was said.

Lesbo says this is my safe place to say anything I want.  Not quite anything.  There are a couple of things I can’t say here just yet.  I am ready to scream them out, but I have to have patience.  Normally I am a very patient person.  I can wait when necessary.  My problem now is that the thing I want to scream out seems so very necessary.  And I can’t do a damn thing about it.  Yet.  

I read back over what I just wrote and wonder if I should even say that much.

Let’s move on to a happier subject.  I am going to see Brad Paisley in concert on Sept. 11!  I can’t even tell you how excited I am about that!  I’ve wanted to see him for awhile now, but I couldn’t find anyone to go with me.  He came to town for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo and nobody would agree to go.  I wasn’t about to go alone.  He’s coming again and this time I get to go.  OH my gosh….BRAD PAISLEY!!!!  I asked a friend if she would go with me, and she said yes.  She ended up getting the tickets for me for my birthday.  And she doesn’t even like country music.  Poor thing will just have to suffer through it.  

And in other news I bought a vanilla lime candle at Yankee Candle the other day.  It smells very much like a margarita which makes me happy.  I LOVE candles.  I love margaritas too, but that’s another story.

See…this is what happens when I can’t talk about what I want to talk about.  You get random drivel.  

Speaking of random drivel…my sister wants to talk to me tomorrow night.  Big huge sigh.  It won’t be random at all.  There is purpose in her visit.  I predict sad and mad as her response to what is going on.  And unlike with my dad I expect to see the anger.  

Ok…I have to stop now.  I am getting frustrated that I have to hold my tongue.  I can’t wait for the freedom to say whatever the hell I want.  I can’t wait!

Before moving to Turkey one of our favorite places to go for the day was to the Kemah boardwalk. We always rode the train, ate some yummy seafood, played in the dancing fountain, and had beignets for dessert. Occasionally we would let the kids ride the ferris wheel or merry-go-round as well. A couple of weeks ago we took our first trip to Kemah since we’ve been back in the states. Evidently Hurricane Ike did quite a bit of damage here, but we couldn’t tell at all. Kemah was back and better than ever! Here are a few pictures of our day.

The train ride. Of course!

Anna Grace screaming in the tunnel.

Erica, Will, and Anna Grace decided to ride the Drop Zone. Jacob didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I didn’t blame him one bit!

Yeah…it was entirely too tall for me! I wish I had a picture of the kids’ faces right after they were dropped. They were scared! Within seconds they were laughing and talking about how fun it was though.

They all decided to take home temporary tattoos as a souvenir.

The day was hot, but we had fun! We had the yummy seafood, ate beignets, and rode a few more rides as well, but somehow I only managed to take these few pictures! We’ll get ’em next time!

I know people are wondering how the meeting with my dad went.  It was fine.  Almost as good as it could be.  He wasn’t supportive of my decision, but he did listen.  He didn’t speak out in anger or say hurtful things.  He said he was sure of two things.  1.  how much he and my mom both loved me and cared about me.  2.  what the bible says.  He said that as my dad he felt like he had a responsibility to come over and share his feelings with me.  Because he has always been such an amazing father he had more than earned that right.  I’m glad he came over.  I’m glad he said what he did.  There was no hate, anger or anything even close to that in his voice.  He was sad, but that is to be expected.  He told me before he left that he wasn’t trying to change my feelings.  He wasn’t trying to convince me that I am wrong.  He just needed to share.

I’m not sure where we will go from here.  I don’t know how our relationship will change.  There will be changes I’m sure.  And again…I am ready to accept whatever comes.

I’m sitting on my bed.  My normal spot for most internet surfing and blogging.  I can’t stay here for long though.  I need to change clothes and grab a box of tissues.  My dad is coming over to talk to me.  He will be here in an hour.  I have no idea what to expect from this conversation other than lots of tears on my part.  

I have always been a daddy’s girl.  My dad loves me and would do just about anything for me.  Tonight that might change.  I talked to my parent’s a week and a half ago.  I opened up and let it all spill out.  I confessed things that my dad had never even imagined could be true of me.  My mom wasn’t surprised really, but she still didn’t like what she heard.  My dad asked for time to process all that he heard and to sort out his feelings.  Tonight I will hear what he thinks.  I don’t know what to expect exactly.  I just know that he wants time to talk.  I know it won’t be easy.  And the reason I know that is because those are his exact words.  “This won’t be easy.”  

I’m serious about it all though.  Completely serious.  If I didn’t truly believe in what I am doing I wouldn’t have ever mentioned it to him in the first place.  I wouldn’t have hurt him that way.  

Tonight my role in my family…the role of daughter…might be changing forever.  I considered the consequences of my actions long before I ever took them.  I am ready to face whatever consequences may come.  

I am ready.

I was adding some pictures to my computer when I stumbled across these. I took these pictures in May when the first fruits of our garden were starting to make themselves known. The vibrant colors make my heart ache.

Yellow squash

A baby watermelon

A perfect little cucumber.

Ah…the sweet smell of home grown tomatoes!

And for the flower lovers out there I’ll include this one.

I am a mixed medium gardener. Flowers mixed with veggies, mixed with shrubs, mixed with annuals, mixed with roses, mixed with…well you get the idea.

This morning I woke up with a massive headache. I couldn’t decide if it was going to be one of migraine proportions or not. I chose to just take Excedrin and ride it out. I also drank a diet Coke, took some Ibuprofen, took naps, and ate food in attempts to alleviate the pain. Nothing helped really. Despite having a headache I am feeling quite chipper. It’s a good day. A lazy Saturday. A talk on the phone to a friend kind of day. A thumb through Southern Living magazines and dream sort of day. A read all the posts in my reader kind of day. And I’m smiling about all of it.

There’s this online group of friends that I have been watching.  I’m reading their blogs and enjoying the camaraderie between them.  I’ve commented on a few of those blogs, but mostly I’ve just been watching.  Some of them know I’m there.  They’ve acknowledged my comments with comments back.  One even emailed me questioning my interest in the group.  I admitted that I could actually join their group.  I was qualified, but in order to protect the innocent I couldn’t.  I could only watch and learn.

Last night I was in a funk.  I was sad and mad and frustrated.  Though I’ve started down the path toward this group I feel like it’s a slow crawl.  I want to stand up and run as fast as I can toward that place.  The only problem is that I would be running over a whole lot of people who don’t deserve the trampling.  

Last night I left my house and stayed elsewhere so I wouldn’t trample on the innocent.  I came back this morning feeling centered and full.  Elsewhere does that.  Elsewhere reminds me of what I want and what it takes to get there.  Elsewhere removes the stones from the road.  Elsewhere makes the path smooth.  Elsewhere shows me the light at the end of the tunnel.  Elsewhere makes the path straight.  Oh, wait…definitely not straight.  I’ll get there.  😉

I’ve had several emails and comments from people wondering where I am. I’m still here…just really busy. There’s a lot going on. I’m not quite comfortable talking about most of it here though. So for the time being…until I get things sorted out…I probably won’t be blogging much. I always promised to let you guys know if and when I decided to stop blogging altogether. That is not the plan as of now. If it comes to that I’ll be sure to tell you. Thanks for being such faithful readers.

It’s late. The middle of the night. Yet here I sit wide awake. The creative juices are flowing. Words desperate to be written are on my fingertips. So despite the fact that I should go to bed I can’t. Not yet. Not until I’m done.

Falling
down.
away.
in love.
short.
apart.

Falling
silent.
tears.
leaves.
snow.
rain.

Falling
behind.
asleep.
slowly.
forward.
into place.