Midlife Natalie

Yesterday I sent my dad another text.  It had been a full week since the last one.  The one he never responded to.  I decided that I would send one every Wednesday just to let him know that I loved him and was thinking about him.  I sent the text around 6pm.  Just over an hour later he responded telling me he loved me, too.  That was all he said, but those words were all I needed to hear.  I knew he still loved me.  I never doubted that.  I just needed to hear/see it.  I didn’t respond.  I figured it might be too much.  I think I’ll wait and send him another short message next Wednesday unless he texts me first.

This past weekend was so nice.  We spent time with some of Sweet Tea’s friends in Austin.  The weather was perfect for football watching, back porch sitting, and karaoke singing which is pretty much what we did.  I loved the time away.  I needed it for sure.  We are planning a camping trip with some of the same group of friends for next month.  I can’t wait!

All of a sudden I’m very, very sleepy.  So….sleepy…….

Most days I’m busy enough to not think about it.  Most days.  This morning though I woke up at 6:30.  I had slept long enough, but because I’m out of town and in a strange bed I stayed in bed.  I didn’t want to disturb the others who were still asleep.  I eventually fell back asleep and that’s when the dreams came.  I always dream if I let myself go back to sleep, and most of the time I wake up disturbed.  This morning was no different.

I haven’t heard from my dad since September 22.  I sent him a text message 5 days ago telling him I was thinking about him and that I loved him.  He never responded.  So it’s been 17 days since he said he would talk to me in a few days.  The days keep passing with no word from him.  I am cognizant of that at all times, but when I’m busy that awareness is just there buried under the rest of my life.  But this morning it bubbled up. And I dreamed it all different kinds of ways.  All bad.

I’m still out of town.  A fun day is planned.  I need to get myself together.

Ever since I told my oldest about being gay I knew it would only be a matter of time before I told the other kids.  I thought about when and how I should do that.  I decided that I would tell them while their dad was out of town on a two week trip, because since they were staying with me they wouldn’t be able to run home.  I didn’t want them to feel trapped here, but I did want them to have to think about it instead of running from it.  Well, those plans were not to be carried out.

One week before the wasband was scheduled to leave, my youngest was upset that I couldn’t do what she wanted me to do when she wanted me to do it.  I wasn’t even at home when she called to request my assistance.  Then when I didn’t just run right home to take care of what she thought she needed she came right out and asked me if Sweet Tea and I were dating.  She was blaming Sweet Tea for me not being at home.  Technically I was with Sweet Tea, but we weren’t out on a date or anything.  We had stopped to grab a bite to eat after running a necessary errand.  She kept saying “just tell me the truth mom”.  I felt bad, but I didn’t know if discussing it on the phone was the best idea.  I told her we could talk about it later, but she was having none of that.  She needed to know right that second.  I finally just said, “Yes, we are dating.”

And if you’ve read my blog before you know my prediction about how she would react to the news.  She completely met and exceeded my expectations.  She was already crying and she just hung up saying, “no, no, no” over and over.  It was horrific for me.  I wasn’t there.  I couldn’t talk to her.  I immediately texted my oldest to find out what was going on at the house.  She said that upon hanging up the phone my baby started screaming, “mom’s a lesbian”.  I guess that’s one way to let the cat out of the bag.  I texted the other kids to make sure they were ok and told them I would talk to them later.  They all seemed fine.

After work the next day I was able to talk to each one of them separately.  The oldest three seemed like they were handling it just fine.  The boys both said that they had suspected for a while, and while they didn’t necessarily agree with my choice they loved me and I was their mom and nothing would change that.  The youngest was upset and let me know it.  She listened to me and told me how she felt.  The conversation ended with her loving me but not supporting my decision.  I can live with that.

Since that day almost 3 weeks ago the kids have all been fine.  Mostly.  The oldest three have accepted me and Sweet Tea being a couple.  Since their dad was out of town they spent all of their time with me.  Because they were with me a lot they saw her a lot.  They seem perfectly ok with it.  The youngest has had a harder time of it.  She doesn’t like change, and this is a big one.  She takes a long time to get to know people, because she is always suspect of them.  She was that way with Fleur de lis.  She didn’t like her at all at first.  She never even knew we were dating, but she hated that I spent time with her.  Now she loves Fleur de lis.  I don’t know if she will ever love Sweet Tea.  I just want her to accept that she is part of my life.  I want her to respect her, because she is an adult.  I want her to see how happy she’s made me.  I think she sees that already.  I think she’ll come around in time.

I’m deep in thought right now.  I feel the need to express myself, but the way that I am so good at doing so has been stripped from me somewhat.

Words.  Anyone who knows me in person or who has read my blog for any length of time knows how important words are to me.  The way a word or a string of words sound.  The meaning behind certain words or phrases.  Spoken or written.  Words take me places.  They paint pictures, create ideas, and evoke emotion.  Sometimes good and sometimes bad.  All of it is vital to me.  To who I am.

In my life I have come across people who’ve abused words.  They’ve tossed them around carelessly hurting others with venomous outbursts.  They’ve made reckless promises they never intended to keep and foolishly spoke words they didn’t mean.  I can’t say I’m completely innocent of these charges.  I know there have been times in my life where I wasn’t as careful with what came out of my mouth.  And I’ve made promises that I haven’t been able to keep.  I can assure you that I was distraught over it.  I’m sure we’ve all been there.

And now I’m here.  In a place where talk is cheap.  I’m not sure what to say when words don’t mean much.  I feel silenced, and that breaks my heart.

They say that actions speak louder than words.  I guess I need to learn to act more.  And really, acting isn’t the hard part.  I’m good at that.  I have always been good at making sure people know what I mean by what I say and what I do.  The hard part is knowing when to take the initiative and act without being worried that I’m doing something wrong somehow.  That’s what needs to be overcome.  The fear of initiating.  The fear of rejection.

I have a girlfriend.  And now my kids know, my wasband knows, and I’m pretty sure the rest of my family knows as well.  I told the kids and wasband, but I’m not sure how everyone else found out.

What I do know is that my dad was talking to me about weekend plans the other day and now he has canceled those plans and says he’ll talk to me in a few days.  When I asked if everything was ok, all he said was that he didn’t want to talk now, but that he’d call in a few days.  I feel bad.  I feel bad, because when I talked to him the other day he asked questions and said things that I had to skirt around the answers to, because I hadn’t yet told my kids.  I needed to tell my wasband.  I felt that they had the right to know first.  I told them a couple of days later.  I have been planning what I would say to my parents and dreading the whole idea of it.  I hate being a disappointment.  Hate it.  And now I’m a disappointment and a liar.

I do wonder how my parents found out.  I asked my kids if they had talked to them.  They said no.  I know my wasband didn’t tell them.  He told me that I needed to hurry up and tell them, because the other day he and my dad saw each other and he was asked about me.  I think he felt cornered, because he didn’t know what to say.

Both of my brothers have been by my place when when Sweet Tea has been here so maybe they wondered aloud.  She was introduced as my friend, and absolutely nothing inappropriate was done in the presence of either of them or their kids.  I was babysitting for a niece and nephew last Friday, and Sweet Tea came over for dinner.  She had just lost her mother, and I didn’t want her to be alone.  She left after we ate and came back not long before the kids were picked up.  Maybe that bothered my brother.

It’s possible my sister read it here on this blog.  She’s visited before.  I knew she might come back someday.  When I wrote it I thought about that, but I figured I would write it still.

It’s also possible that my dad found this place on his own.  I get hits all the time from people searching for me.  Usually they search “midlife natalie” which isn’t something my dad would probably know about, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t discover me on his own.

So now I am waiting a few days until he is ready to talk to me.

Last week Sweet Tea lost her mother after a long illness.  Despite the fact that her mom had been ill, her death still came as a shock.  Even more shocking was the way her family treated her in the aftermath of her mother’s death.  She hadn’t been close to anyone in her family for sometime, but this traumatic event in their lives should have opened doors and brought them together somewhat.  Instead, they chose to use hurtful, hateful words that drove an even bigger wedge in the already fragile relationship.

The day of the funeral dawned, and the family gathered together.  The biological family, who called the deceased mom and grandma, daughter and sister talked quietly in small groups around the gravestone.  They looked like cookie cutter versions of each other…no one person standing out in the crowd.

Another group gather together as well.  Eclectic must be the best word to use to describe them, but it doesn’t really fit.  That word seems almost too normal somehow. There were 9 all together.  Nine.  There was the long-haired drummer who spends his days making money for Harley Davidson.  The petite, drop-dead gorgeous woman of Japanese descent who owns a couple of adult bookstores and jets around the globe on a whim.  A wide-eyed, red-headed, redneck, teenage cowboy. A 16 year old girl who was there because she loved and missed her grandmother.  A teenage boy wearing a dark suit with wide, purple pin-stripes and a purple satin tie.  His shoes were shiny with purple accents as well.  There was the guy who had been in an accident and had amnesia.  His 9/11 tattoo that said “I’ll never forget” served as an ironic reminder that he has forgotten.  A woman with an exotic Egyptian name and braided hair that framed her friendly face.  Then my Sweet Tea, a lesbian who had returned home to grieve the loss of her mother.  And there was me.  A missionary turned lesbian who enjoyed the camaraderie of this group of friends who came together to be family to one who had been turned away by her biological family on this important day.  This day that was set aside for paying respect to the memory of her mother even though her mother often showed no respect for her in life.  Her chosen family came to stand by her and stand with her.  Her chosen family did what her biological family refused to do.

And I thanked God that I was one of the chosen ones.

One of the things that has really bugged me about all the coming out stuff is the fact that I’ve had to deal with many people thinking that I’ve lost sight of my faith in God.  That somehow being gay means I don’t have a relationship with Him anymore.  I have never known what to say to those people.  The fact that I’ve read books about others who’ve struggled through this same thing didn’t seem to matter.  The idea that I’ve watched numerous documentaries about people who were going through very similar circumstances wasn’t enough.  But the most important thing was that I searched my soul.  I read MY bible.  I didn’t just let others’ words make my decision for me.  I knew that just because others had been through a similar experience or situation didn’t mean that their decision and my decision had to be the same.  I didn’t have to respond the same way they did.   People don’t understand that.  That every decision made has been a well thought out, prayed over decision.  Even decisions made lately have been that way.  Some of them hurt me and others.  I hated that they did, but I knew they would when I made them.  It wasn’t something that could be helped.  That pain.  But they were well thought out, prayed over decisions.  And I felt like I was doing the right thing.  I did what I felt led to do. I remember being frustrated over this about a year ago.  The idea that because I was gay I no longer loved, trusted, or believed in God and His plan for my life.  Then I read something that made me smile and added a little levity to my situation.  It was written by Jenny, The Bloggess.  A veritable Dear Abby of advice giving.  The one who could be called on to offer gems of truth when truth was hard to find.  I copied the truth I read on her now defunct advice column and saved it to read over and over when I needed to hear it.  I’ve finally decided to share that advice with you, dear readers.  Here is what I often want to say when someone questions my decision based on my faith.

You have to be blunt with these people. They’re often more tenacious than telemarketers because when they bring in guests they get bonus points that work like Marlboro Miles and at the end of the year they get a Nascar jacket or a boombox. Also, some of them are generous people who just want to help you on your personal spiritual journey. The problem is that it’s difficult to tell those two types of people apart so usually I just go with “You need to give up on me. God and I have our own shit worked out. It’s kind of private”. Nobody questions you when you have your own private covenant with God. And if they do question you just chuckle condescendingly and say “God said you’d have a hard time understanding. He said to tell you he’ll explain it all to you when you’re ready to really listen”. No one’s ever going to mess with you again.

A gem of truth.  Maybe one of the lesser gems, but still…something I could put on and flash about if necessary, and that’s all that matters.

Recently I received an email from my friend, Injun Mike.  He checks in with me now and again and always has the sweetest things to say.  He said he missed reading my posts, especially the ones having to do with my kids.  Then he mentioned the baby.  My youngest, who isn’t so much of a baby anymore.

I mean…she looks like this now.

I used to have all kinds of stories to share about her.  I guess there are still things I could share about her.  Like this week Mason (the boy – not to be confused with Mason, the girl who happens to be her best friend) said hey to her.  Exactly!  Hey.  It’s so romantic!  He’s said two whole words to her at school this year.  The first was Hi.  The second was Hey.   I know!  Before we know it the words will become two syllables.  Hello.  Howdy.  And then phrases…how you doin’?   And how’s it goin’?  Ahh…they grow up so fast.

But I am not here to talk about the grown-up girl.  I’m here to talk about her when she wasn’t so grown up.

When she looked like this.  Awww….how sweet.

Here she is during the final school performance her first year of Turkish school.  They did a little dance and sang some songs and got a certificate for making it through.  One thing I was always thankful for was that the kids had to take English.  I mean my kids didn’t really need to learn English, but I was glad that someone there could speak to them in English.  I was glad they weren’t completely language locked.  During this final performance we sat in the audience excited to see and hear all she had learned.  She did her dance.  Adorable.  She sang a Turkish song.  Cute!  Then the class sang a song in English.  And Anna Grace sang right along.

Get out of bed.  Wash your face. Wash your face.  Wash your face.  Get out of bed. Wash your face and run, jump, let’s keep fit. 

Get out of bed.  Clean your teat. Clean your teat. (Wait a minute…are they saying teat?  Who sings about cleaning their teats? Wait…those hand motions show them brushing their teeth.  Good grief.  Look at AG.  She’s singing teat just like the rest of them.) Get out of bed.  Clean your teat and run, jump, let’s keep fit.  And by this point we were giggling so hard we almost fell out of our chairs.  Our child, who had absolutely no problem saying the word teeth had learned this song from a Turk, who like most Turks, had trouble pronouncing the /th/ sound.  She learned English alright.

I had to show you Jacob’s class as well.  He wore this shiny, pink shirt.  He looked adorable!  He danced and sang and worried what everyone would think of him in this pink shirt.  Then his class had a wardrobe change.

And he came out in a sassy, red Spanish number similar to this.  (And how I don’t have a picture of him in this shirt I’ll never know!)  And he danced and smiled and was perfectly fine because this shirt was red, his favorite color.  Never mind that he swayed and stomped and sashayed around the room.  It was red, and who would make fun of him in a nice, sensible, red shirt?

This has been one of the craziest weeks of my life.  So much emotion spilling forth in drips and drops and cups and gallons and floods.  A full range of emotions.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this much.  And honestly, much of it sucks.  I don’t like to feel anger or sadness.  I don’t like to feel frustration.  But it is what it is and I couldn’t stop the feelings.  I had to allow myself to feel them.

Then there were the fires all around us.  My school sits less than 20,000 feet from areas that have been evacuated.  We haven’t been allowed to go outside for recess the entire week due to the smoke and ash in the air.  And really…what is recess compared to people losing homes and belongings?  Our principal and several teachers have had to move themselves or loved ones away from their homes.

It’s no wonder that I sit at home today with a migraine, watery eyes, and a dry, strained throat.  The smoke got to me I guess.  The smoke and emotions together pretty much knocked me out.

I’ve recently started seeing someone new.  This may come as a surprise to most of you.  Most of you might not have even realized that Fleur de lis and I are no longer a couple.  That happened during the blogging break, and it’s not something I want to talk about.

But about this new someone.  We started out as friends as all good relationships do.  She thought I wasn’t interested in her which I find amusing, because I was so busy that it wasn’t even something I thought about.  I enjoyed hanging out with her, but you guys have read about my life.  It’s nonstop.  I wasn’t sure where I would find time for a relationship.  The more I got to know her the more I liked her.  She shared herself so honestly.  That impressed me.  She wasn’t pretentious or proud.  She liked me and wasn’t afraid to tell me that.  Wow.  I knew I would eventually write about her here.  I’ve thought about what name to give her.  What name would fit?  I decided she would be Sweet Tea.  She has had some intense moments in her life.  Things have happened that could have made her bitter.  But she isn’t bitter.  She is sweet.  Her approach to life reminds me of something my grandmother always said.  When anyone would ask her how she was doing she would always exclaim, “Well, I can’t complain.  It wouldn’t do me any good anyhow.”  And that is how Sweet Tea is.  Stuff happens.  She might get frustrated.  Then she puts on her big girl panties and deals with it.  The bitter is covered with sweet.  I love that.

Sweet Tea has children.  I am loving that, too.  Her kids are around the same age as my oldest.  The daughter who still lives at home has become my oldest daughter’s good friend.  It has been fun watching them.  Because Sweet Tea’s kids have always known she is gay I knew something would have to be done about my kids if we all continued to spend time together.

One night last week Sweet Tea stopped by just to say hi.  My oldest daughter was here as well.  After Sweet Tea left and it was just me and my daughter at home I told her I wanted to talk to her.  I told her that I was dating Sweet Tea and asked her how she felt about it.  She said she had suspected since December that I might be gay.  That she didn’t care.  This didn’t surprise me.  And then she ooohed and ahhhed like teenage girls do when people are dating.  And she said she really liked Sweet Tea.  She also said that some time back she and the boys had discussed that me being gay might be a possibility.  She doesn’t think they will care much.  She did agree with me on my youngest.  She is going to go ballistic when she finds out.  She has already had some issues with me spending time with Sweet Tea.  With her being around.  Yesterday Sweet Tea and her daughter were at my apartment.  My four kids were there as well.  We played and laughed and had a great time.  My youngest said she had fun.  It was the first time she had allowed herself to do so in their presence.

I have a feeling all of the kids will be finding out sooner than later just based on how things are going.  Sweet Tea’s daughter is around, and she knows.  In fact she accidentally called me her mother’s girlfriend in front of my youngest two.  Somehow they didn’t hear her.  I thought it was funny.  My oldest is around, and she knows.  And good cow we all know she can’t keep a secret.  Sweet Tea is around, and despite the fact that nothing has been said I can’t imagine the kids not figuring it out.  Her attentiveness and demeanor speak volumes.  I’m not worried or scared.  My divorce lawyer suggested that I let the kids deal with the divorce and the changes that came with that before I ever said anything about being gay.  I thought it was good advice.  I didn’t know how long it would take before I felt like telling them.  At first I thought it would happen fairly quickly.  I was in a relationship so it seemed like it would be natural to tell them.  As time passed though I never felt ready.  I don’t know why.  I didn’t have a good reason.  I just wasn’t ready to say anything.  Sweet Tea says that I’ll know when the time is right.  She doesn’t want me to feel pressured into telling anyone anything I’m not ready to say.  I’m glad she has that attitude.  That’s what I’ve felt all along.  Funny thing though…at this point I think actions are speaking louder than words.  It’s becoming so obvious that words are about to become necessary.  I’m glad.

It’s been almost three years since this whole thing started.  Since I chose to board the gay train instead of letting it pass me by like countless times before.  So much has happened that it seems like it must have been longer than three years.  It took me a year from when everything started to get to that point of being ready and able to tell people and to move out.  That was two years ago.  My kids have dealt with a lot in the last two years.  Through it all I’ve tried to be somewhat steady for them.  It was hard at first, but they’ve seen me pull through.  They’ve seen how much happier I am.  There have been some hard times in the past two years, but they haven’t crushed my spirit.  Happiness always won out.  It bubbles up from inside me.  Happiness, contentment, joy.

So I raise my glass of Sweet Tea in a toast to my future.  Wherever it takes me I will count it all joy to have been on this journey.