Midlife Natalie

At the beginning of May, I got a text from Candied Jansen that said that she wanted to share something with me.  I continued to read thinking I was about to read a shared thought from her.  Her next sentence explained that she meant a shared item.  Something that meant that we are sharing our lives with each other.

(But not rings.  We aren’t to the ring point yet logistically speaking.  Oh, I’d marry her tomorrow if I could, but our current living situations look like they will be in place for another year or so which means we get to take things slow.  Some days that drives me crazy, but I am also thankful for the forced slow pace so we can savor the moments we have with each other in a dating relationship.)

Immediately, when I realized that Candied Jansen meant a bracelet or a necklace or something, a picture of what I wanted popped into my head.   Two years ago, when I first joined Pinterest, I pinned the Affirmation Circle from Mountain Girl Silver and wrote that I’d love to have one or two of them.  I hadn’t ever ordered one because I was never sure what I’d want it to say.  And now I knew it would be the perfect thing for us to share, but I still wasn’t sure what I wanted it to say.  I didn’t say anything to Candied Jansen about it until I saw her later that day.  I asked her if she had anything specific in mind and she didn’t and wanted to know if I had any ideas.  I pulled up my pinterest site and showed her the necklace.  She thought it was a great idea!  We weren’t sure what we wanted them to say and figured we’d think on it.  A few days later we decided on…Words and More Than Words and…in a continuous circle.

It defines our relationship so well.  We started out with words.  Emails back and forth in July of 2011.  Long emails that were full of fun details and crazy stories and intimate thoughts.  When we stopped emailing in August of 2011, we became Facebook friends and could see each other’s words and posts there.  And when we first reconnected and started dating in January of this year, our words to each other were hugely important.  For our second date, we watched the movie, The Words, because it was about a writer and words.  As we’ve gotten to know each other, words have played a big role, but our relationship has moved past just words.  We are sharing so much more than words now.  Our feelings have progressed to the point where words aren’t always adequate or enough to describe them.  Words are still a big part of who we are.  Sharing words and having those words mean something is a feeling I’ve never quite experienced like this.  I love words, and I love that Candied Jansen loves words, too!  I love that our relationship is deeper and more powerful than our words as well.  And I LOVE that the circle is called an affirmation circle, because that word is exactly what these necklaces are…an affirmation of us.

Grey’s Anatomy is a fairly popular show.  I’ve seen it a few times, but I’m not a big TV watcher so I haven’t ever really gotten  involved with the characters or cared much about what happened.  A couple of months ago, one of the episodes sparked an interesting conversation between Candied Jansen and myself.

Candied – If I was in an accident that severed my spine and I would have to be on a ventilator unable to breath on my own and unable to take care of myself, go anywhere, or do the things I love (be active and adventurous), but I am conscious and aware of everything would you want me to live that way?

Me – What would you want?  I would honor your request because I love you.  I would let you make that choice.  The only thing I wouldn’t want you to do is walk away to keep me from having to shoulder that burden.  If you chose to die I would understand that, but I wouldn’t like it much.

And the emotions and feelings that came out from both of us in that moment were surprising.  I won’t share her thoughts because they are hers to share if she chooses, but all I could think in that moment was that I had finally found my one and I wasn’t letting her off that easy.

I committed myself to my husband back in 1991.  I broke that promise when I left him and we divorced.  I felt horrible and guilty for a long time because of it, but I knew that I was supposed to walk away.  I had a relationship with a single friend several years ago where I felt that same commitment.  I felt like I was called to commit to her in that way because she struggled with thinking that someone would ever care about her enough to give their life to her.  Our relationship had so many ups and downs and I wanted to walk away so many times, but I didn’t because of that commitment.  When she became engaged, I finally felt like God was releasing me from that commitment because someone else had stepped up to the plate.  I moved away a year or so later and I haven’t spoken with her since.

I have other friends who I would step up to the plate for if they ever needed me.  I don’t feel like I have to commit myself to them though in order to help them.  The relationships are different.

And now there’s Candied Jansen.  She has several people in her life who would step up if she ever needed them.  I know that.  But for me it is different.  She is mine and I am hers.  If anything ever happens to her and she needs constant care or help, l want to be there because we belong together no matter what.  Through good times and bad.  Through the tough spots and the easy days.  I won’t be going anywhere.  And while no official vows have been spoken, I am committed, dedicated and devoted to her.

This weekend I was privileged to have a one on one video chat with singer/songwriter Jennifer Knapp.  I’ve mentioned her numerous times on this blog because of what her story did for mine.  Anytime someone from a Christian faith background comes out as gay, it is significant to me.  Jennifer’s was especially significant because she was in a position of ministry.  I could relate to her, and while my circle of influence was much smaller than hers, I understood how falling from that pedestal felt.

Back in January, I pledged some money to her campaign to put out an album through pledge music.  There were different levels of pledges and each came with an incentive.  The reward to me was not as important as supporting her work, but when I saw the opportunity for a video chat with Jennifer as a pledge incentive, I decided that would be a fun thing to do.  I hadn’t thought much about it over the last few months because my thoughts had been overtaken by a certain Candied Jansen, so when I got the email that Jennifer would like to chat with me on Saturday, I was pleasantly surprised.

The chat was set up for 1:00pm and was supposed to last 30 minutes.  We easily chatted for at least 45 and could have chatted much longer I think.  It was so much fun!  We shared stories and laughed about silly stuff.  I honestly felt like I was talking to an old friend.   She said to make sure to hit her up at a show and we’d go have a beer.  That is so happening!

Thanks, Jen, for a fun conversation and the encouraging words!  I can’t wait for the new album!

Tomorrow marks three months since Candied Jansen and I officially started dating.  I can’t believe it’s only been 3 months.  SO much has happened and so many feelings have been experienced that I have a hard time believing it.  Here are some picture highlights….

Candied crossing the finish line at the MS150 in Austin, April 13, 2014.

Us taking selfies with my oldest.  March 20, 2014

Wine and a hammock at Scenic Hills, March 21, 2014

Lots of hugs and kisses! All the time!

Heading to a party! April 19, 2014.

School dance…this is the date we picked as the beginning and looking back, it truly was the beginning for me! February 7, 2014.

Not pictured…

Margaritas and dancing with my teacher friends, camping at Rainbow Ranch, Burlesque, strolling downtown Brenham, taking the scenic route through Chappell Hill, and so many more amazing times…some big, some little…but all memories that I love.

There really aren’t words to express what this means to me.  I still get tongue-tied when I think about her and all that she is to me.  I can’t even begin to explain it all.

Excitement, contentment, comfort, love, peace, energy, warmth, joy, fun, stable…so many words…

And here’s a wordle highlight…

I can’t believe how lucky I am that I get to share my life with her.

On Friday night, Candied Jansen and I had a date.  It was something she wrote on my calendar about a month ago.  All it said was DATE NIGHT.  When I asked her what we were doing, she told me it was a surprise.  All month long, I stared at those words and wondered what we were doing.  I am not a huge fan of surprises, but I was totally fine with her having this secret.  I loved that she had a plan!  After eating at Pappadeaux’s for dinner, we drove downtown to House of Blues.  I still had no idea what we were doing.  I didn’t look at the posters for all the acts that night.  I decided to let it be a full on surprise.  We entered a small lounge type room with a stage.  When we walked in the door I noticed a table set up with different merchandise for sale.  The feather boas and bejeweled pasties with tassels caught my eye!  I was totally intrigued!  We were seated in a section close to the stage and ordered a couple of drinks from the bar.  We talked and laughed as we waited for the show to start.  The room started to fill up and another couple, a man and a lady, was seated at our table with us.  Candied decided to get a refill on her drink and the lady got up to use the restroom.  This left me and a strange man sitting together at the table.  He decided to make polite conversation and asked me if I had ever seen one of these shows before.  I glanced back at Candied Jansen who was still at the bar getting her glass refilled and confessed to the man that I had no idea what I was there to see!  I told him to hurry up and tell me before Candied got back.  The poor guy looked baffled but whispered “Burlesque”.  About this time Candied noticed that we were talked and leapt over the tables to try to stop the conversation.  When she sat back down, she took one look at me and knew that I knew.  I told her that the nice gentleman at our table asked me a question, and I had to be nice so I asked about it.  I smiled sweetly at her and batted my eyelashes and she totally still loved me.  Whew!

A short time later the show started and OMG!  Burlesque is not what I thought it was.  I was expecting singing…maybe real or lip-syncing…and dancing in some skimpy, sexy clothes.  What I saw was dancing and stripping.  By the time these girls were done with their dances, they weren’t wearing anything but a thong and pasties.  Oh, there was one girl who sang an opera song in some language I didn’t know.  I had no idea what she was saying, but judging from the dance and a few cleverly used props, I would guess the song to have been about masturbation.

It was so much fun to go out and do something I had never done before.  Candied was worried that the show might offend me, because I do tend to be somewhat conservative in my beliefs, but I am a huge fan of dancing and LOVED the movies Burlesque, Chicago, and Moulin Rouge.  It was totally something I had always dreamed of seeing!  Thanks, Candied, for a beautiful, fun, and perfect evening!

When my kids were little I used to have them line up on one of the lines of the parking place as we were getting out of the car in random parking lots.  I trained them to line up in age order and even the youngest, whichever one that happened to be at the time, learned quickly to stand there and not move until I was at the front of their line and ready.  That gave me a chance to get strollers, bags, or whatever else we might need out of the car and ready without worrying about them running around in the parking lot or accidentally stepping in front of any moving vehicles.  Today we went out to eat for breakfast and my 21, 18, 16, and 14 year old children all piled out of the passenger side of the van.  When I came around to the back of the van, this is what I saw…

It made me smile big!

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”   Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

I understand this sentiment so completely.  I have never in my life gone from a first meeting to the level of connectedness I feel in my relationship with Candied Jansen so quickly.  It has been a powerful thing.  It wasn’t the first date…although I definitely wanted to get to know her better.  It wasn’t the second date which she planned so perfectly and when she kissed me.  It started sometime between dates two and three, and then during date three all felt right.  Like I was in the perfect place at the exact time I was supposed to be there.  And every day since then has been part of the most amazing journey of intimacy I’ve ever known.  So many words have been shared and so much time has been spent where words were not needed, and now, just two months in, I feel her in my bones.  My soul delights at the thought of her.  My body longs for her touch.  My heart is hers.

I love the way the author Bertrand Russell described his first meeting with fellow author, Joseph Conrad…

“At our very first meeting, we talked with continually increasing intimacy. We seemed to sink through layer after layer of what was superficial, till gradually both reached the central fire. It was an experience unlike any other that I have known. We looked into each other’s eyes half appalled and half intoxicated to find ourselves together in such a region. The emotion was as intense as passionate love, and at the same time all-embracing. I came away bewildered, and hardly able to find my way among ordinary affairs.” (“Autobiography.” Routledge, 2009.)

Even though he is describing an intimate friendship, I relate to the words he uses.  I know that at times I’ve walked around in a hazy shocked state because of how quickly this level of intimacy was reached.  I know that others might not understand or even believe that feelings such as these are possible after only two months, but it doesn’t matter to me what anyone else thinks.  I know.  And she knows.  And really that’s all that matters.

“That the last two letters in her name were the first two in his, a silly thing he never mentioned to her but caused him to believe that they were bound together.”   Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri

I have about 8 partial blog posts in my draft folder.  I have never been that person…the one who starts posts and then drafts them to finish later.  So I’m pulling them out and putting them here.  Unfinished.

Draft 1.  Written December 24, 2013.  I think my thoughts changed directions midblog and instead of changing this post, I saved this one and started a new one.

It’s been 4 years since I told my parents I was gay.  I was about to leave my husband and seek a divorce, and I felt like they deserved to know why.  I couldn’t hide it from them.  I was beyond nervous because I didn’t know what their reactions would be.  I had psyched myself up for a complete and total rejection and that’s not really what happened.  They were hurt and sad more than anything.  I get that.  All of a sudden I wasn’t who they thought I was.

I let my parents tell my siblings because I was emotionally drained just from talking to them.  I didn’t have the strength to say it all again and again.  My brothers were both silent on the issue.  I think they didn’t know what to say so they just didn’t say anything.  My sister told me I was sinning.  She said that I knew the truth and was turning my back on that truth.  She said that she wouldn’t be able to see me or fellowship with me because that is what she felt God was leading her to do.  It was an emotional time for me, but I certainly didn’t want to force anyone to do anything they weren’t comfortable with.  Heck, I wasn’t even really comfortable yet.  I needed to figure out who I was.

I was seeing someone at the time of my divorce, but I never told anyone.  If anyone asked about her, I called her my friend.  Because there was a bit of an age difference, it was believable.  Mostly though, nobody asked about her.  My kids knew her as my friend, and my ex-husband knew her as my friend, but truth be told, nobody else even knew her.  I kept her hidden in that closet that I was slowly venturing out of.

During this time, I also found myself avoiding all of my old friends.  I figured that they probably wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me so I saved myself from rejection by avoiding those who could hurt me.  Most people didn’t know what happened, just that my husband and I divorced after I left him. I got a couple of emails and Facebook messages from various friends and the message was either one of friendship or one pointing me to my sin.  I didn’t know who knew and who didn’t so I didn’t trust those offering me their friendship.  I was certain they would change their minds once they found out I was gay.  How could they continue to be friends with someone who went from being a Christian to being gay?  It didn’t make sense to me so I went out of my way to ignore them.  If I saw someone I knew in a store, I quickly turned and walked the other way.  If I couldn’t hide from them quick enough, I smiled and made pleasantries until I could make an escape.

Two years after I came out to my family, I ended up coming out to a couple of people at work but only because I was backed into a corner.  I was terrified that I would be ostracized once everyone knew, but that never happened.  The people I told never treated me any differently, and as far as I could tell, they never told anyone else.  Later I was brave enough to share that I was gay with another coworker.  She, too, accepted me and kept quiet.  My girlfriend at the time brought me lunch occasionally and participated in a few work functions but nobody ever said a word.  I heard that people wondered behind my back, but I was never treated like I was less than.

Around the same time, my kids discovered that I was gay.  I was extremely worried about their reactions.  I was their mother.  I felt like I already had a precarious relationship with them because I was the one who left their father.  We shared custody, but I was scared that they would decide they would rather live with him than me.  I knew that the courts had set up a schedule, but since we lived so close to each other, we were mostly just winging it when it came to where they spent their time.  I didn’t want to have to force them to see me.  That would have killed me.

And now here it is 4 years later and I feel like I’ve come so far.  I didn’t realize that the coming out process would be such a long, arduous task.  I didn’t know that I would have to come out over and over.  I never anticipated all the situations I’d find myself in.

I wrote this 5 years ago on my secret blog.  I found it interesting…

Questioning your faith really is exhausting work.  I don’t recommend it at all.  It’s like taking a trip around the world with no plan.  Where will I stay?  What will I see?  Who will I meet?  How long will it take?  And what will home look like when I get back?

A couple of days ago I was riding in the car with one of my kids.  We were flipping through the radio stations when we hit the local christian station.  My kid commented that the song was a favorite so we listened to it.  I don’t remember what song it was, but I do remember how it made me feel.  Comfortable.  Familiar.  Like putting on a favorite pair of old shoes.  Then I wondered why in the hell I am questioning if I feel that way about my faith.  I guess when we wear out our old shoes it’s time to acquire a new pair no matter how much we hate to do it.  So maybe I’m searching for an updated model of the same timeless, classic style.  Or maybe I need to go with something completely different.  

Yeah, I don’t recommend this.  I’m sure when I’m done, if I ever get done, I will look back and be thankful for the trip I had to take.  But right now it sure would be easier to just put on that old pair of shoes take a walk around the block.

Wow…

Just in case you were wondering…I went with an updated model of the same timeless classic style, but with a twist.  

Every day I open a new window to type a blog post, but I hesitate because I tend to want to wax poetic over my new relationship with every word I type.  I know you guys have to be getting tired of that!  (But oh my gosh…it is so good!!)  So I close the blogging window and then stare at Facebook and do the same thing.  I’m not at a loss for words anymore, but I don’t want to make people sick with my love musings.  (Seriously…I am so lucky to have found this girl!!) So I end up not saying anything about anything.  Until now…

So…let’s talk about sex.  

During my entire married life I never had much of a sex drive at all.  I never thought about it really.  I laughed and joked with my friends about all the sex they were having, but I never really cared about actually having it myself.  Of course I had sex.  Before I was married even.  But even then I didn’t want it.  Once I was married sex with my husband was always ok.  Nothing big. Just sex.  It’s not because he didn’t try to make it something big and special either.  He did.  I just wasn’t ever interested.

We were married for a long time before I ever had an orgasm during sex.  Of course he didn’t know that though.  And I had orgasms.  Often even.  Let’s just say I was well-versed in the art of going solo.  To be completely honest I preferred going solo to actual sex.  So I guess maybe I did have a sex drive…it just wasn’t connected to him, or anyone else for that matter.  I just figured I was somewhat broken in the whole sex with someone department.  I didn’t want it, need it, or care to have it.

I remember when we were getting ready to go overseas.  We had to take personality tests and job skills tests and psychological profile tests.  One of the tests had several questions about sex.  I remember being a tad bit uncomfortable.  I wasn’t sure how to answer them.  On one question I answered that I thought about sex too much.  My husband answered it the same way.  When we were being counseled our adviser brought up that we both answered that question in the affirmative and wanted to know if there was something kinky going on.  We were both a tad bit embarrassed.  I had only answered it that way because I felt like I was constantly trying to figure out how not to have to do it.  Of course I didn’t divulge that information.  My husband was thinking the exact opposite.  He wondered how to get it more.

Then I allowed myself to fall in love with a girl.  Everything in me was totally turned on by everything she did.  Hell, she didn’t even have to do anything, and I was on edge.  Just seeing her and hearing her voice.  All of it totally and completely turned me on.  I had never experienced anything like it in my life.  I loved how it made me feel.  Of course if you’ve read my story at all you know we had a year long emotional affair that culminated in a week long physical affair.  It was my first experience with a woman, and it changed me.  For the first time I understood what wanting someone in that intimate way felt like.

After the physical affair the issue of sex in my marriage reared it’s ugly head.  I had managed to avoid kissing my husband the entire week of the affair.  That wasn’t even planned.  It just happened that way.  And now here we were and he expected a little more than just kissing.  How in the hell was I supposed to have sex with him when I had just experienced something that far surpassed anything I had ever felt with him?  It was impossible.  I managed to avoid it the first night because I was tired and sick.  The next day I knew sex was on the agenda.  I knew there was no getting out of it.  Because I really was sick it was a quickie, but it was still sex.  When it was over and my husband had fallen asleep, I just laid in my bed and cried.  I was forever changed by my experience with a woman.  Before her I had sex with my husband because I knew I was supposed to.  He needed it.  It was ok.  It was never great.  I always preferred quickies with little to no foreplay.  I didn’t care if I had an orgasm or not.  I did it for him and him alone.  After the affair it was different.  I still did it because I knew I was supposed to.  It was never great.  I still preferred quickies with no foreplay.  I couldn’t handle all the pressure for it to be great so quick was the way out.

And I have never been a fan of sex in the light.  I like darkness.  I just do.   Pretty much my whole married life I would push away any love-making efforts made by my husband during the daylight hours.  Of course there were times I had sex during the day; it just wasn’t the preferred time at all.  Daytime sex meant I had to pay attention to the looks that crossed my face.   I knew that I often look bored, frustrated, or indifferent during sex.  I always had.  And after the love affair I’d had with my friend, there were many moments of extreme sadness and tears during sex as well.  I didn’t want my husband to have to witness that.  I’m sure on the rare occasions we had sex during the daytime the look on my face was one of concentration.  I wonder what he thought of that.  

In my first relationship after my husband, sex was big.  It was the first time with no guilt involved.  I wanted it more than I got it, but it was such a new thing to me.  To even have that desire.  I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.   And it was always in the bedroom and always in the dark. 

In my last relationship, things started out ok, but very little effort was put forth by either of us as far as sex goes, so it became more of a chore than a pleasure.  And I don’t say any of that to dis her.  It was what it was.  And the darkness of the bedroom was the rule there as well.

And now…everything is different.  Bedroom, living room, kitchen.  Standing up, sitting down, or in bed.  Day or night…light or dark…it doesn’t matter.  But oh my gosh the light!!  I love being able to see her face and have no worries about what looks cross my face.  I don’t even think about it.  And I love to look at her…make eye contact…and see her feelings written on her face.  It is a beautiful thing.   I get great pleasure from watching her and touching her.  I can’t even put into words how it makes me feel.  And to give complete control to someone else is also amazing.  To be able to trust her fully with no thoughts about anything and then to have my mind blown is just…WOW.  

And it’s not just about the physical aspect of sex.  We will sit and stare at each other for endless moments.  Just looking.  Memorizing.  Feeling.  The deep connection and love, coupled with being able to physically enjoy each other, just threw me for a loop.  I had no idea what that felt like.  

I feel blessed.  Lucky.  And so very thankful.  To borrow her words…she is a game-changer and I love her.