Author Archives: midlifenatalie

I am usually a positive, happy person.  I’ve been told that I’m always smiling and pleasant.  I’ve been called Little Miss Sunshine and been accused of having the sun shining out of my ass.  But lately I’ve not been myself.  I knew that I was struggling, but I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me and Candied Jansen.

It started about a month ago.  I blogged about starting my masters in library science and then dropping out a couple of weeks later.  I think that was the beginning.  Seeing the workload for school-school and combining that with the workload at work-school was overwhelming.  I realized when I looked at all of it that I wasn’t even interested in teaching kids anymore, but I had no idea how I could do anything else.  I’m still not sure how it looks.

Right now I teach in a low income school where kids are hard.  I’ve always loved the staff and when days and weeks and kids are hard, the staff is great at being supportive and helpful.  But even that isn’t enough anymore.  I talked to a retired elementary principal the other day about it, and one of the things she said was that when you teach in a low income school like mine, you can only do it for so long before you burn out.  She said her experience was about 5 years.  This is my 5th year there.  I feel completely depleted…like I have very little more to give.  I was talking to one of the new teachers at the school on Thursday.  She said that she was working with the lowest group of kids she had ever seen.  She was used to about 4 or 5 kids in a classroom of 20 being low, but at our school it is the opposite.  We might have 4 or 5 kids that are on or above level.  Every other child is below grade level.  Part of me wonders if I would be fine teaching in another school or district.  Would that solve my problem?  Or do I need to just do something else altogether?  I still don’t know.

Because of the stress of school, I kind of checked out of life somewhat.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it.  I started reading a series of books by Hugh Howey called Wool, Shift, and Dust.  Then I read The Selection, The Elite, and The One by Kiera Cass.  So 6 books in a week or so.  All great dystopian fiction by the way.  All taking my mind off of school and stress.

During this time, I also got sick.  It started as a little cold that I thought I had fought off.  A couple of days later, I had a sinus infection.  I tried to go to the doctor and was told my doctor no longer accepting my insurance plan.  I could pay $180 out of pocket and have a checkup and a sick visit in one.  Ugh!  No thanks!  So tired, sick, and frustrated.

And this brings me to Candied Jansen.  I complained and whined and was generally not very nice.  I wasn’t my best self at all.  I didn’t focus on our relationship or her and that makes me sad.  We even went out to have a nice 1 year anniversary meal together and while I totally appreciated the effort, I couldn’t really taste the food and that made me even more frustrated!

I spent this past Wednesday night at Candied Jansen’s place.  When I woke up Thursday morning, I realized what I had been doing.  I had missed out on moments with her despite the fact that we were together.  I hated that!  I couldn’t wait to see her and make up those moments.  I went to her son’s birthday party on Saturday and just enjoyed being with her.  Saturday night, we had dinner together and went out for drinks.  I cried over every little thing, but it was so needed.  I hadn’t cried much over the stresses, and it all came flooding out.  Poor Candied Jansen!  She was perfect and sweet and realized that it didn’t matter what we were talking about, I was probably going to cry about it.

And then today, we went grocery shopping and cooked some meals for this week.  It was a busy day, but we got to spend it together.  I loved it.

I can’t wait until we are living under the same roof.  Stressful days will still come and I will still get cranky, but I will have a chance to fix my attitude immediately.  I am so thankful for Candied Jansen.  She is amazing and wonderful.  I can’t say enough good things about her.  She is so perfect for me.

6.  Candied Jansen commented on my last post and I just had to share it here.  She said…

Oh my gosh! I’m sitting here…reflecting on the overwhelming feelings that I’ve had all day…at so totally and completely in love with you I have fallen in the last 365 days (and nights!). A year ago tomorrow, I will have made the best decision ever by taking 20 seconds of bravery and asking you out to dinner. I’ve never been so sure of much else. I’ve loved you before it was reasonable to tell you so. I’ve loved you so long that I know you are exactly what I’ve been waiting for…the only one that put a future in sight. It’s so clear now…and I love every minute…(even the frustrating ones that make me wait to share my life with you). Because THIS IS the beginning of the rest of my life…and any time that I get with you (or without you) moves me closer to the time that I’ll be by your side for ALL the moments of our lives. I’m so ready for everything, because now that I’ve found you…it is so much better than I could have imagined.

I have handed you my heart, and I know it’s in the best of hands. Thank you SO MUCH for giving me yours. I will treasure it as it deserves…with as much love, tenderness, patience, and emotions (up and down) as you can possibly stand.

I LOVE YOU! Muah!

I love her right back!

Hello.

Long time no see.

I’ve thought about coming here and writing a few things down several times over the past couple of months, but I haven’t made it a priority.  There are so many things I could say, but I don’t know that I really feel like saying it all.  Here is a rather brief rundown of things.

1.  I got my KitchenAid mixer for Christmas.  Candied Jansen and my kids went in together to buy it for me.  There was some drama involved with this, but it was mostly my fault.  I freaked when I realized a few weeks before Christmas that they were spending that much and instead of just being thankful and allowing people to show me that they love me with a gift I’d wanted for a long time, I felt guilty about it all.  Now I feel guilty because I’ve only used it once!  I have been too busy or too lazy to do much baking so I just smile at it and pet in every once in a while.  I know my baking desire comes and goes so I will have plenty of opportunity to use it!

2.  I wasted an ungodly amount of money but made a major life decision in the process.  I applied for and got into grad school and then after 5 days of classes dropped out.  What I discovered was that I really had no desire to continue my education in the education field.  I’d never really had any desire to go back to school, but this past summer an opportunity to be a librarian presented itself and then fizzled out because I didn’t have my master’s degree.  I was encouraged to get it because librarians are always needed.  I decided to go for it and then had panic attacks over the thought that I might have to spend the next 20 years working with kids.  The older my own kids get the less the idea of working in a school setting appeals to me.  After a nervous breakdown on the phone and then in person with Candied Jansen, I decided that even though I was going to lose a significant amount of money, I needed to go ahead and drop out.  I feel completely at peace with that decision, but I am frustrated at the loss of money!  UGH!  I don’t feel at liberty to discuss any future work plans now because I have no idea what the future holds exactly.  I’ll be working on that!

3.  Last week, I told my parents about Candied Jansen.  When I came out to them back in 2009, they told me that they didn’t want to ever have anything to do with anyone I might date.  I never told them about the first girl I dated, but they discovered my second girlfriend and then proceeded to shut me out of their lives for a time.  When I did reconnect with them several months later, I answered a couple of questions about my then girlfriend, but I never tried to introduce them.  I knew that said girlfriend was not ever going to be a long term thing, and I knew that she would never be part of the family.  With Candied Jansen I’ve felt like I had a secret, and for the first time since coming out that wasn’t ok.  She encouraged me to wait a bit to tell them because my relationship with them was finally in a good place.  I waited longer than I ever thought I would, but I just couldn’t take it anymore and told them.  They were disappointed and said that they were praying for me and despite the fact that I believed God made me gay, they knew better.  They knew that one day I would repent of this sin.  They said it with complete love and I don’t fault them at all.  I just said I knew how they felt.  I didn’t argue with them or try to change their minds.  I told them that I didn’t want to feel like I was lying to them and out of respect for Candied Jansen I needed to tell them.  I didn’t want her to ever feel like a dirty little secret.  I think they were surprised by that.  I know they could tell how important she was to me.  I have no idea what they will do from this point forward.  I talked to my dad the next day about something of his that he left in my car, but I haven’t heard from them since.  It’s not unusual to go a week or so between conversations so I haven’t worried about it yet.

4.  Speaking of Candied Jansen, I am completely in love with her.  I’m so amazed at how different from my other two relationships this feels.  This one is easy and natural.  Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of our first date.  We have already taken steps to blend our lives, and I can’t wait to actually be able to go to sleep next to her each night and wake up with her each morning.  Oh, it’s happening!  We both wish it already happened, but we are thinking long term and about our kids and neither of us wants our kids to have to move in the middle of the school year.  Come on summer!!

5.  This one I debated about, but I figured I’d let whoever it is know how I feel.  Marissa Smith, if that’s even your real name, I don’t care what my ex says about me on her blog.  After your message, I went and read her blog and the most recent blog post at that point called me lazy and said something about me not being interested in planning for the future.  Maybe there were posts that said worse.  I didn’t read them all.  I’m debating even defending myself here.  It’s not important really.  I can tell you that she was right about the future thing.  I knew there was no future with her, and I had no idea how to get out of the relationship.  She had no money, no place to go, and no way to get there so I didn’t feel like I could ask her to leave.  It was the most depressing feeling.  I worked my ass off at school and came home and spent most evenings doing nothing because I felt trapped.  She talked about working hard providing for her family when in reality the credit card bills climbed higher and higher.  And the idea of all of us being her family never did sit well with me.  My kids were very uncomfortable around her, and I hated that I subjected them to being a guest in their own home.  I spent the last half of the last summer she was here doing nothing but sitting around because I didn’t know what to do.  I guess trapped and depressed translates to lazy.  I’m fine with that.  Once school started again, I decided to stand up and stop being a pushover.  I was done being depressed and did something about it.  After a few horrible weeks of fighting, our relationship ended.  I was left with almost $10,000 in credit card debt, but all I could feel was relief.  I truly don’t care if I ever see or hear about her again.  I have said very little about her on this blog because I’ve always been taught that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  I just broke that rule.  And Marissa, now you can run and tell her that I’m talking bad about her on my blog.    I doubt she’ll care any more about what I’m saying than I care about what she’s said.

So there you have it.  Five things.  I’m know there is so much more I could share, but I’ll save it for another post.  Maybe.

So I’ve been seeing all these websites with Holiday Gift Giving Guides and thought that I should make one of my own.  You know…just for fun.  Or in case anyone wants to buy me a Christmas present.  Just kidding!  Here are a 12 of my favorite things or things that I think would be favorites if I owned them!

1.  The Polar Loop – Candied Jansen got me one of these back at the beginning of the summer, and I love it!  There have only been a few days when I haven’t worn it since then!  I love that it tells me how many steps I’ve taken as well as a calorie burn count and an activity level marker.  It also tells time!  The best part though is to spend the night at Candied Jansen’s house and to almost be at my activity level goal and then to just go to bed and not worry that I didn’t meet the preset goal.  It drives her crazy knowing that if I would just run for 2 minutes, the loop would shoot fireworks and sing my praises, and I still get in bed. HeeHee!

2.  A Kitchenaid Mixer – this is the old standby.  I still don’t own one despite my complete lust over them for years.  I just drool over them on a regular basis and pull out my red Oster handheld which works remarkably well!

3.  A Raclette – I seriously need one of these!  A party centered around cooking food??  YES!  And this could totally be healthy as well!  And here is where I will add that Candied Jansen has concluded that I am a “scrap” eater.  I eat small portions of lots of things.  She basically says that what I eat amounts to the scraps leftover from what others have eaten.  While I don’t completely agree with her scrap assessment, the raclette totally fits in with eating lots of different little things!  SOLD!

4.  This handy dandy drill and circular saw combo set!  Because we can all use some power tools in our lives!  And because I have two wooden pallets that I keep saying I’m going to do something creative with, but I don’t have a saw or any tools really so one is leaning against the fence and the other is in my garage.  That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

5.  These stackable holiday blocks – I have 2 sets of these and they are super cute!  I got the reversible ones so I have a Halloween/Fall set and a Valentines/St. Patrick’s Day set.

6.  A firepit table.  I honestly need two of these…one wood burning that things can be thrown into for fun and one gas lit one that looks pretty!  I don’t even need to put  a link here, because you can google fire pit tables and click on images and see them all!

7.  One of these Erin Condren life planners!  Have you ever seen anything so amazingly cute and functional all at the same time??  I must have one so I can be the envy of all my teacher friends!

8.  An iPod –  I am one of those people who likes my music separate from my phone.  I’ll probably still have music on my phone, but I LOVED my old iPod classic.  I loved plugging it into some speakers I had in my kitchen and jamming to music while I cooked.  I bought a refurbished one in 2009 and it died this year.  That’s 5 years of use which  I guess is forever in technological terms.  I was tempted to buy another refurbished classic, but they are outrageously priced now because apparently there are many of us out there who don’t embrace change!  Sadly, my cooking is often done in silence these days because I don’t think to use my phone or computer.

9.  A Carhartt jacket.  I’ve been eyeing a couple…this one and this one!  Ok…I guess I’ll go with one of each!!

10.  This nightshirt!  And as far as I’m concerned this is unisex!  I think it looks amazingly comfortable!

11.  A rice cooker.  Way back in 1991, my ex-husband and I received a rice cooker for a wedding present.  I don’t remember what kind it was or how good it was because we never used the thing.  Not one time.  The person who gave it to us said it was the most used appliance in their kitchen.  I couldn’t believe it.  We got rid of it at some point and I didn’t think about a rice cooker again until 2009.  I had just gotten my own apartment and was strolling the aisles at Walgreens while I waited on a prescription to be filled.  I saw that their small appliances were on sale for the holidays and there was a little Kitchen Gourmet rice cooker for $7.  All of a sudden I thought I needed a rice cooker.  I would use a rice cooker.  So I bought it.  Five years later, I am still using that little $7 rice cooker.  And, yes, it is probably the most used appliance in my kitchen!

Here’s a video I found of my exact rice cooker in action!  

12.  The Try The World food boxes!  Wow!  Every other month you receive a box delivered to your door with gourmet foods from a particular city around the world.  Each box costs $39 and has 7-10 items in it. First month is Paris, second is Tokyo, third is Rio.  I looked at their website and see that there is also a Rome box and an Istanbul box!  I think I might be in love!  International Scrap Food for the win!!

I guess I should stop this post and do some shopping for my kids who would probably not appreciate any of these gift items!

So the text conversation about Candied Jansen’s health took a turn when she said this…

“I find it weird that the things we love to do and the things we love the other person to do…we rarely do when we are together.  I LOVE that you blog and you love to blog…but I can only remember one time that you blogged when I was with you.  I love to workout and you love that I am active…but I very rarely do it when I’m with you.  We need to work on being the part of ourselves that we love and being that person around each other as well.”

I told her that I haven’t been blogging even when I have time and we’re not together.  I just haven’t been in the mood to blog lately.

“I guess that’s why it’s hard to me to explain my NEED and WANT to be healthy and active because the things I think are so important to you, you can just let go of so easily or change….(blogging…kindergarten)”

I explained to her that over the years I’ve seen my blogging ebb and flow.  I loved blogging so much in the beginning that I couldn’t imagine my life without it.  I wrote about life in Turkey on my main blog and then started a secret blog for the crisis of faith and sexuality issues I was dealing with.  I blogged because I needed it.  I was away from the Baptist bubble I’d grown up in and I was experiencing things I had never even imagined.  Because I was overseas working for a christian company, I needed a safe place to process without condemnation.  So I blogged.  When I lost my oldest friend because of the whole sexuality thing, I blogged as I fell to pieces.  When we came back to the states and I grieved leaving a place that felt so much like home, I blogged.  When I decided to leave my husband and come out, I blogged.  All of those times were full of so many blog posts because I needed it.  I needed that place to fall apart and gather myself and contemplate life.  

When my last girlfriend and I broke up, my blogging picked up.  I didn’t really need to process the break-up, but I did need to think about who I was and what I wanted in life.  Those are the posts that Candied Jansen read and loved.  I was in the midst of discovery and so I blogged.  At the beginning of our relationship, I blogged some because I was so overcome with feelings that I needed to put them somewhere.  Even the posts that didn’t have to do with her much were written because I was full of emotion.  Now that life has settled down some, I am not blogging as much.  I am still overwhelmingly in love with her.  She is still so wonderfully my perfect match.  My love of blogging hasn’t changed one bit…just my need to do it.  When things get tough, as I’m sure they will at times, I will blog.  It’s what I do.  I love that Candied Jansen enjoys my words.  I am so thankful that I will have her to lean on during tough times.

And then the conversation morphed again because of these words…

“even the way you handled & talk about your family.”

Here she is referring to the way I handled myself when my family didn’t talk to me because I had a girlfriend and the way I have prepared myself for the possibility of my family alienating me again because of my relationship with Candied Jansen.

I explained that I had a hard time with it, but I had expected it.  I didn’t like it at all, but I knew that it was the most likely scenario.  In stressful situations, Candied Jansen looks at every possibility and at every outcome.  She thinks through all scenarios that she can come up with from beginning to end.  For me, it is different.  I looked at the worst case scenario when it came to my family, and I prepared myself for that.  I knew that coming out would be a major life-changing thing for me.  I would most likely lose all my friends and family because it totally went against everything we believed in.  I contemplated the reality of that for a long time before I was ever brave enough to actually do it.  I knew that I could be homeless when I left my parent’s house the night I came out to them because I was living in a house that they owned.  I knew that every friend I ever made was either from church or a missions organization I was involved with.  I was dating someone at the time, and she was literally the only person I knew I could count on, but I knew that she wasn’t someone I considered a lifelong certainty. I knew that everyone could turn on me so I had to decide if I was enough. If all I had was me and God, would I be ok?  And I knew I would be.  I felt a peace about it.

When I told my parents, I was shaking and crying and preparing for a goodbye.  That didn’t happen.  They didn’t like it and needed some time to think, but they said they loved me.  They still talked to me, but there was a definite shift in our relationship.  My sister did tell me goodbye.  She met with me and shared her thoughts on it and said it made her sad, but she had to do what she felt led to do.  She was the only one who reacted that severely.

Later when she discovered that I had a girlfriend and told my parents, my parents stopped talking to me as well.  My dad and I reconnected through text messages, but I didn’t talk to my mother for about 8 months.  It was hard, but again, I was prepared for it.  I had hard days and ok days.

Candied Jansen wondered how I could prepare and plan for something like that.  It seemed impossible to her.  She said she would fall apart in the same situation.  This is where our personality differences come in.  My seemingly flippant attitude is not really that at all.  I handled it, because I didn’t have a choice.  I knew my family would have issues at first, but my hope was that as long as I did the right thing, they would come around.  So I waited.  When I was invited to birthday parties for nieces and nephews, I went.  I sent text messages to keep in touch even if I didn’t get a response.  And they slowly came around.  They still don’t agree with my choices.  I don’t know what they will do when I tell them that Candied Jansen and I are moving in together.  I have been preparing my heart for their reaction since the day we first mentioned it.  Worst case scenario…they stop talking to me again.  I know I can handle it, because I handled it before.  And it’s so different this time.  I have my kids.  They have grown so much since those early days.  They won’t leave.  And I have Candied Jansen.  She means the world to me.

And that is where the conversations ended that night.  With talks about my family and how I handle them.  I can look at the progression of words and see how we ended up at my family after starting with Candied Jansen and her need to exercise.  I like that we can talk for long stretches and never run out of things to say.  That works for me!

Last night Candied Jansen and I had a serious discussion.  Unfortunately, it took place over many text messages, but the topic came up and we weren’t together so we discussed with promises to continue the topic when we were together next.  And I say unfortunately, but really, it wasn’t too bad.  We both could read our words to make sure we were saying what we were thinking so there was a lot of typing and erasing and retyping going on.  The topic…well it started out a little narrow and broadened as we went along and then narrowed into something else.  Isn’t that how most arguments go?  And just for the record this was nothing like an argument, but it reminded me of one in the way it morphed into something completely different.

Our first topic was health, namely Candied Jansen’s health.  If you’re a regular reader of my blog then you know she is an athlete.  She loves to work out and participate in various types of race challenges.  When we started dating at the end of January, she had just completed a half marathon and was actively riding her bike to prepare for the MS150 from Houston to Austin in April.  She missed a few of her early morning weekend rides because of our relationship blossoming (read: we “slept” in), but it wasn’t a huge deal at the time because those tender moments were so necessary.  Despite missing a few prep rides, she was still race ready when the time came, and she rocked that race like a champ!  Candied Jansen was also getting up early and working out at the gym at her office before office hours started.  Many days she would also work out in the afternoon before heading home.  She loved the way those workouts made her look and feel.  She was preparing a big healthy meal on Sundays to use for her lunches all week and eating a sandwich for dinner every night.  She had a chart on her bathroom mirror that reflected her goals as well as weight and inches lost and muscle gained.  She had a calendar with multi-colored magnetic buttons to reflect good days and bad days.  The biggest thing though was that she had a plan.  She wanted to lose the weight that she had gained in her last relationship, and her plan was working!

Until me.  I came along and totally screwed with her plan.  I didn’t do it intentionally, and she doesn’t blame me at all.  It was a natural thing.  When you wake up next to the person that you feel you’ve waited your whole life for, it’s hard to get out of bed early to go work out.  You want to rush home from work on the days you know you’ll get to see her so working out after work doesn’t happen.  You go out for drinks more and eat out more because you are celebrating finding the love of your life.  And we did.  The exercise times slowed to a trickle.  The numbers on her charts started to head back up instead of following the arrows downward like before.  She got frustrated with herself.  She revamped the plan and when that didn’t work she set a few new goals and started over again.  I encouraged her when I thought to encourage her, but I know I wasn’t very motivating.  I didn’t know how to motivate her.  I never begged her to stay in bed or encouraged her to skip workouts, but I knew that because I wasn’t an athlete, what I said or thought wasn’t the right thing for her.  My body positive, love yourself words weren’t helpful.

Now Candied Jansen has a new plan.  One that she hasn’t really shared with me yet.  I know it has to do with being an athlete.  Remembering who SHE was and not trying to make it about who WE can be.  She thinks that’s what was holding her back.  When she dated and married her ex-husband, a big part of their relationship was built around working out and being active together.  That’s what they did.  After her divorce, she dated someone who said they were athletic and active but never really delivered on that promise.  Candied Jansen allowed herself to be controlled by this person and ended up losing the active part of herself.  She finally got frustrated enough to remember who she was so she made some changes.  She started working out alone or with her brother and was taking charge of her health again.  When the relationship ended a little later, Candied Jansen’s commitment to working out ended as well.  She lost weight and hit her goal because she wasn’t eating, but other than a few times here and there, she wasn’t actively doing anything to promote her health.  In the three years since, she’s been active off and on, but she’s had a hard time finding her groove trying to work out alone.  She did a triathlon without really training for it as well as a half marathon.  The last girl she dated did like to be active, but it was all competition with her which was no fun for Candied Jansen.  She was stressed and very unhappy. When they broke up, she really committed to getting healthy.  That is when she seemed to hit her stride.  And that is what she was doing when I came along.

What she has come to realize is what she’s known all along…that she and I are different.  I am not an athlete.  I never played any sports in school.  I never promised to run or bike with her.  I did join a gym, and we went together once.  She thinks that her issue is that she’s been trying to figure out what WE can do together instead of doing what SHE does best.  Her active relationship with her ex-husband set the standard for her other relationships.  Spending time together meant being active together.  With me, she saw that all of the puzzle pieces fit together, but this one.  This piece she brought from a different puzzle.  This piece that she’s been trying to make fit.

Tomorrow we will have a chance to sit together and talk.  Tomorrow I will see the bathroom mirror and the new plan.  She warned me that it’s different.  That I might not understand it.  That scares me a little bit.  It scares me because I know I have to make a change as well.  I told her I’ve watched The Biggest Loser and other shows with similar goals in mind.  I’ve seen the contestants talk about how hard it is to go home because of the temptations they face.  I’ve heard them say that even though their loved ones say they are supportive, their lifestyles don’t reflect that.  I don’t want to be the reason she fails.  I don’t want to be the one she is fighting against.  I don’t want to be the place that’s hard.  I don’t want to be that person.  The one who tempts her or causes her to be complacent in an area that is so important to her.

(And here’s where the conversation morphed into something else, but I want to finish my thoughts on this topic before I move on to the next one which I will address in another blog post.)

So my changes…that’s where my mind is now.  Trying to figure out what to do.  For me, it isn’t so much about the exercise.  While I don’t know that I’ll ever be a runner or a biker, I am more than willing to go to the gym with her.  I want to encourage her as much as I can.  I need to encourage her.  I can’t control her happiness, but I can commit to being the best me for her.  Casual walks around the neighborhood, while not heart pumping, would be a way we could spend time together doing something other than eating out and watching TV.  My biggest thing is the food.  I am a foodie.  I love to cook.  The thought of fixing one meal on Sundays and eating it for lunch every day for a week almost makes me gag, but she can still do that without it changing what I eat for lunch.  It’s the thought of eating a sandwich for dinner every night that sounds like torture.  It isn’t who I am.  And it isn’t who I want us to be.  I want to share a meal together.  That is important to me.  The easy answer is to just cook healthier.  Make dishes that are better for us.  That’s fine.  I can do that.  But what about baking and those well loved family dishes that my kids request?  They will be temptations for her.  

The conclusion I’ve come to from our texts and my time thinking about it is this.  I know that we will work it out.  Right now, we aren’t living together.  When she comes to my house, it is different than if we were living together.  The foods I have in my fridge and pantry are my family’s go-to foods.  I always have everything to make several different meals without having to go to the store.  I keep things well stocked, and I cook what I’m used to cooking for my kids.  When I am at Candied Jansen’s house, we cook much healthier.  There are usually fewer things to snack on.  If we want to eat it or cook it, we usually have to go buy it first.  When we move in together, I think it will work itself out.  Yes, there will be some temptations, but if I am making sure to stock my fridge and pantry with healthier options and cook healthy foods on a regular basis and if WE are being active on a regular basis, those temptations can be indulged in every once in a while.  They shouldn’t completely derail a health plan.  To quote Candied Jansen here, “We are two different people…we just need to find a way to blend our different lifestyles into a day to day life.”  I look forward to the plan becoming OUR lifestyle.

And for those of you who are wondering, this isn’t a game changer.  She still thinks I’m perfect for her.  She loves me so much and so well.  That part comes naturally and easy.  And I am so grateful.  So blessed.  We will work this out and be just fine.  I have no doubts!

Well, what can I say about NaBloPoMo?  I have obviously failed at my attempts to blog every day in November.  I wasn’t feeling well one day and exhausted the next and then I just didn’t care enough to get back to it.  Moving on…

Today I feel like saying a few things.

I wish I had words to explain this relationship that I’m in.  Sometimes I don’t think they exist.  It is that big and powerful and defining which are all great words, but still not enough.  I am so thankful that we each feel that way.  I love looking into her eyes and seeing that level of deep love and commitment there.  I feel so safe with her that being vulnerable isn’t even a thing.  I am just me all the time.  I love that when the words get muddled, the emotions can be read so easily.  I love the lack of fear or worry.  I love the sense of security and the way she plans for the future.  I love that she is strong and weak all at the same time.  I love that she is always herself with everyone.  I love that she talks to me about things that matter.  I love that this is so easy.  I love that I feel so perfect for her, because she is so perfect for me.  I love her, plain and simple.

Once upon a time I knew a girl named Mary who was married to a guy named Jon.  Jon was a budgeter.  He had categories for different things and knew exactly how much money was available at all times.  Mary used to get so frustrated that their expenses were so planned.  She would occasionally go shopping and spend money on things that weren’t in the budget.  She said that when she would get home from these shopping trips, she’d slip Jon the receipts and tell him, “Stick that in your budget.”

Candied Jansen is amazing with money!  I am constantly in awe of how she finds unspent funds in other parts of her carefully constructed budget to repurpose.  One way she’s been repurposing this year is with a savings shoebox.  As she came across extra money it went in her shoebox.  First, she looked at her normal expenses and saw where she had overestimated on her budget.  For example… Let’s say she budgets $200 for her electric bill during the summer months.  That’s a little on the high side, but she doesn’t want to be taken by surprise one month so she makes sure she has enough.  Her bill comes in at $175 so she takes the $25 left from the budgeted amount and drops it in the shoebox.  She budgets $50 a week for her son’s expenses.  If he only ends up needing $32 this week, she has $18 to drop in the shoebox.  She also budgeted for a few school events that ended up not happening this year so that money went straight into the shoebox.  Meanwhile she is keeping track of these amounts and writing them down.  She started out with a goal of $2756 for the year.  That’s basically $53 a week!  That seems like a lofty goal!  She has been diligent about adding to it weekly, and she’s stuck with it the entire year!  I am happy to say that it is November 11, and she is only $22 away from her year end goal!  Way to go Candied!!

I bought $72 of Halloween candy on sale for $17.  I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not!  My kids at school and my kids at home are loving it though!

Speaking of kids at home…Erica bought these headbands and this is what happened.

AG came downstairs looking like this the other day.  I literally laughed out loud!  Even though it was so cute, it was not a way I would have ever expected my 15 year old to wear her hair.  Turns out I was right.  She was only sleeping in it this way so that it would be wavy/curly in the morning.

I took my dog to the groomers on Monday and they shaved her butt.  Sorry for the dog ass picture, but I seriously can’t get over the fact that she now has a pink ass.  Totally hilarious to me.

In the bags of candy I discovered these.  I LOVE them.  Crunchy/chewy deliciousness!

I am loving the song Take Me to Church by Hozier.

I read an article today about things that people regret on their deathbeds.  Things they wish they had done differently.  Many people said they wished they hadn’t worked so much and missed out on time with family, and others said they wished they’d stayed in touch with old friends.  People regretted not allowing themselves to be happy and not not having the courage to express their feelings.  The number one regret was that people wished they had lived their lives authentically.  Being who they were and not who someone else thought they should be.  It caused me to think about my own life and how I would feel if I knew I was dying tomorrow.  What would my regrets be?  I don’t think I’ve worked too hard, and I don’t really regret not keeping up with old friends.  I do miss some of them, but I don’t think many of them would be accepting of who I am today so I am quite content with the good memories.  I’m almost always happy, and if I truly feel something, most of the time I don’t have a problem sharing that.  But what about that number one regret?  Living authentically.  I am currently living my authentic life so no worries there, but would I wish that I had come out sooner and had more time to be the real me? I don’t think so.  I have no regrets about getting married and having 4 beautiful children.  I couldn’t have picked a better man to be the father of my children and to share 19 years of marriage with.  I don’t regret getting to stay at home with my kids when they were younger and being that soccer mom.  I don’t regret it because I was truly blessed.  I love that we lived overseas for almost 7 years and that my kids got to experience life outside of the states.  It helped me see the world differently.  I don’t regret that.  I don’t regret my years in the Baptist church.  Even though I don’t agree with everything they believe, I think they taught me much about loving others and trusting God.  Of course there are those who don’t do a very good job of loving in the church, but almost every experience I ever had was a positive one.  I don’t regret deciding to come out and while I hate the pain it caused so many people, I knew it was something I had to do.  There are things I wish I hadn’t done along the way, but they aren’t important enough to be considered deathbed regrets.

So if I die tomorrow, I don’t think I would die with any regrets other than regretting that I didn’t have more years on the earth to be with those I love.