I don’t remember what triggered the thoughts exactly, but it wasn’t the first time I’ve thought them.  Life is good.  Mostly.  I’m ready for school to be out, the house to be done, and it’s way too busy around here, but things are going well.  So when these thoughts show up it isn’t out of unhappiness or discontentment at all.  They just appear.  And I ponder the question.

The question is always in reference to being gay.  If I could go back to a time when I was faced with gay, would I choose differently?  My issue is that I wouldn’t know where to rewind to exactly.  Once the divorce papers had been signed and the ball had seemingly rolled beyond the point of no return I had two very real opportunities to “change my mind” about all of it, once in 2010 and again in 2011, and even though I knew that the choice to be gay would alienate me from my family I couldn’t choose otherwise.  But what if I could rewind to a time before that?  Would it be easier to make a different choice?

My first thought is to rewind back to 2008 when I had my first real experience with another woman.  Could I choose differently knowing that by choosing her in those moments I would end up leaving my job, my husband, and ultimately lose almost every other relationship in my life at that time?  Sounds like it would be easy to say I would choose differently, but it isn’t.  I think that even if I had chosen to say no in those moments it would have only been a matter of time before I chose to say yes to a woman.

Maybe I need to rewind a little further back.

2007 when I was tempted and said no, but then committed emotionally which led to saying yes in 2008.

2003-2004 when I felt the stirrings for the first time in a long time.

1986 when I first felt them.

And so many little moments in between.

I said no so many times over the years that I finally couldn’t say no anymore.  So even if I could choose differently I think I would have eventually landed in the same place.  Saying yes and taking life as it hit me.

Here’s Ellen Degeneres telling you how it is.

And while I can’t completely understand the initial celebratory feelings after announcing to the world I’m gay I do relate to the craziness afterwards.

I look forward to life.  I have a great partner, great kids, and a great church family.  My own family may not be what I want it to be, but we do keep in touch and they do love me.  That’s enough for now.

Just after we moved into the new house we got a kitten.  Sweet Tea brought a cat and a dog to the relationship, but I had been wanting to get a kitten ever since I moved to my apartment.  I just wasn’t willing to pay the pet deposits that came with kitten ownership at the apartment so I waited.  Once we had our own home the kitten was the next logical step.  As luck would have it a teacher at my school was advertising free kittens.  Some of the kittens were Hemingway cats, meaning they had extra toes.  When I heard that I knew I had to have one.  I figured a cat with extra toes would fit in perfectly with our slightly dysfunctional family.  Six toes on each front foot where there should only be five and five on each back foot where there should only be four.  I promise there’s another toe on the side of her foot.

Welcome to the family, Thumbelina.

Go ahead and take a little nap.  Growing all those extra toes is hard work!

Like many people I struggle with time management/balancing work and home life/getting it all done.  Most of the time the balls I drop in my juggling act are more home life related.  I guess it makes sense.  Nobody is going evaluate me on the cleanliness of my sheets nor will I be fired for the large pile of books sitting on the bedroom floor.   My lack of blogging and nonexistent knowledge of current TV events won’t have an adverse affect on my paycheck.  It’s a good thing, because I don’t have time to do much blogging or TV watching these days.  My discretionary time is quite limited so when there is any downtime I’ll be paying bills, doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen.  I need to file an ever growing stack of papers on my desk, help hang pictures on the stairway, vacuum the stairs, make a grocery store run, and countless other chores.

We’ve lived in our new house since the beginning of March.  It’s been a month and a half, and I think all of the boxes are finally out of the house.  There is at least one more in the garage that I need to deal with, but since it’s all stuff from the china cabinet at my wasbands and since I don’t really have a place to put those things right now I’m thinking that a box in the garage sounds like a good spot for them.

The other day Sweet Tea was talking about how she’s alone most of the day as she searches for jobs and takes care of things around the house.  When I get home from work she is ready to run some errands together.  I, on the other hand, have been with lots of people all day and am ready for a quiet time at the house.  We both know there has to be balance.  Some evenings we run errands and some evenings we stay home.

I guess all of life is about balance.  Finding time to get it all done.  Shuffling things around to make time if none can be found.

It’s also about priorities.  Getting the house livable is a priority.  Keeping it clean is a priority.  Finishing the backyard is a priority.  Lately though these priorities have robbed us of each other.  Usually I get in bed to read while Sweet Tea finishes watching a recorded TV program.  I can only read a couple of pages before my eyes can’t handle staying open.  When Sweet Tea comes to bed we are both beyond exhausted.  The busyness of our day has caught up to us, knocked us down, and sleep is all there is.  I miss snuggle time.  I miss the slow and easy evenings.

It’s morning and Sweet Tea has just come back into the bedroom.  She sat on the edge of the bed, sighed and said, “I’m tired.”  Now it’s time for both of us to be up and running again.  These are the days of our lives.

So I’ve been busy.  And stressed.  And tired.  And did I mention busy?  Pretty much doing everything but blogging around these parts.  We bought a house and moved since I last blogged.  When I last blogged we hadn’t even started looking at houses.  I’ve been doing everything I can do to try to prep my students for the achievement tests they have to take on Wednesday.  And that’s pretty much been my life.  Forgive me for not blogging, but I can’t imagine the drivel I would have produced in the mental state I’ve been in.  I promise it would have bored you to tears.

I know many of you are reading Sweet Tea’s blog as well.  Thankfully she’s been a much better historian these past few months.

I did want to comment on the whole debacle with my family.  Sweet Tea is right.  I will defend them to the bitter end.  I know them well.  I know their hearts.  She sees me hurt by not being included and gets angry.  She cannot understand their lack of communication or why they would continue to invite my wasband to family functions.  It makes no sense to her.  I, on the other hand, completely understand.  I know they see my being gay as a complete about face from my life before.  They see the sister and daughter who for 38 years was committed to family and God and don’t know what to do with the whole gay thing.  It is almost incomprehensible that I could be gay and committed to family and God in the same way I was before.  I get that.  I struggled with how I could possibly be gay and a Christian for years.  It was what kept me from making a decision for myself for so long.  It was not something that was possible in the Christian life I was brought up in.  But I know now it is possible.  To deny either one is almost repulsive to me.  I am both.  But because they haven’t had that personal experience they can’t possibly understand.  I get it.  It was hard for me and I lived it.  So I am okay with them not being okay with it.  I understand.  I also know that they aren’t self righteous and condemning.  They do not think they are better than me.  They are hurt.  They don’t know what to do.  So they are polite and cordial when they see me.  They are friendly when we happen to cross paths, but they don’t go out of their way most days to connect.  Again, I’m okay with that.  The look of disappointment and hurt in their faces is almost more than I can take.  I can’t go back to what I was.  I can’t go back to who they were comfortable with.  I don’t want to.  I do want relationships with them, but I will take it in whatever way makes them most comfortable.  If that’s occasional texts and phone calls I will treasure those.  Maybe most people won’t understand that or agree with how things are being handled.  But it is what it is and since I’m okay with it that’s all that matters really.

I’ve been reading the Wizard of Oz books lately.  I discovered them when I was a library aide in the 8th grade and devoured them.  Most people don’t realize that L. Frank Baum, the author of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, actually wrote 14 books about Oz.  I was telling our school librarian about them, and she had no idea.  I decided to look to see if they had them for the Kindle and got the entire series for $1.99.  I couldn’t believe it!  So now I’m lost in Oz with Dorothy, Ozma, the Scarecrow, Jack Pumpkinhead, TikTok and all sorts of fun characters.  It’s been nice to read something easy and fun after all the crazy around here.

And now I’m sleepy.  Sigh.

As we are surfing the internet, looking at houses, reading blogs, etc.

Her:  I want to make soap.

Me:  What?

Her:  I saw a recipe online the other day, and I want to try it.

Me: Ok

Her:  When the zombie apocalypse finally comes I do want to be somewhat self-sufficient.

Me:  Um…

Her:  Well we’re going to need soap.  I mean who’s gonna work at the soap factories.  Not the zombies!

Me:  Well…

Her:  You’re just gonna let them get you aren’t you?

Me:  Yes, I am gonna sacrifice myself and then come after you.  Then I’ll bite you and we can be zombies together!

Her:  Why do you want to be a zombie?  That’s gross!

Me:  See, then we won’t need soap!  We won’t care about anything.

Her:  Then you won’t bite me because you won’t care if you’re with me.

Me:  Yes, because I love you!  I’ll always want to be with you because those feelings run deep!

Her:  No, if you’re a zombie everything from the neck down is dead.  The only thing working is the medulla oblongata.

Me:  My medulla oblongata will always love and recognize you!

Her:  No, jealousy, anger, and impulse controls are all that live in the medulla oblongata.

Me:  So if I have the impulse to kiss you right now that’s from the medulla oblongata?

Her:  No, that’s a choice.

So I bit her instead.

I’m still pondering my word for 2011, but I’m currently feeling pretty blah so I am not in the mood to think about it too hard.

I know people get the holiday blues sometimes, but I don’t think it’s that.  I just feel depleted.  My tank is empty.  I hate when I feel this way.  I don’t want to be selfish and cry out for attention so I tend to get quiet.  And even typing that makes me feel like a self-centered little brat because I’ve put it out there.

And this is why I haven’t blogged lately.  I have nothing but yuck to say.

What a week!

Um…Monday – Wednesday are a blur.  Kids in school are ready for a break which means I am ready for a break!

On Thursday I raced home from school to pick up the kids and take them for a quick bite to eat before my youngest needed to be at her choir concert.  I arrived at their dad’s house and picked up the mail that still occasionally comes for me.  One piece of mail is my cell phone bill.  I have never bothered to change the address, but since I get that bill emailed to me I haven’t worried about it.  The e-bill had come a few days earlier, but I hadn’t ever opened it.  I elected to open the paper copy while I waited on everyone to gather up their things.  And then I almost had a panic attack.  $742.16.  What???  What happened???  Did I forget to pay a bill or 2?  No, I am never late on my bills.  So as I attempt to control my breathing I scan the bill to see why it is $500 more than normal.  And that’s when I see them.

Phone calls and texts to Canada.  Made by my oldest daughter.

I immediately ask her what/who/why she was calling in Canada.  Her response…

“This guy, Allen.  Taylor said he was totally my type, and she thought we’d be perfect together.”

Some of you may remember the post about how my daughter dates unavailable boys.  The boyfriend mentioned in that post ended up cheating on her, and they broke up.  Since then she’s been single.  And evidently calling this boy in Canada!  Who is even more unavailable than the boys she normally dates!  And not only is he more unavailable he has now cost her $496!

In my daughter’s defense she didn’t realize that Canada was considered international.  She didn’t realize the calls wouldn’t fall under the unlimited texting and gazillion minute plan we have.  She thought international meant overseas and you can drive to Canada.  Duh.

Instead of taking my kids to dinner I called the phone company in a panic and managed to get about $200 shaved off this bill.  Now I only owe $538.  I only thought I was broke before.  Sigh.  On the plus side Sweet Tea and I now own my daughter.  We’re also willing to rent her out if anyone has a need for slave labor!

OH…and the said daughter decided at some point she didn’t really like the Canadian and is now dating a boy that falls into Category 2 of the previous post.  For those not interested in clicking over…

Category 2 – She went to school with them for one semester in 7th grade when we were in the states back in 2006 for 6 months. They’ve recently reconnected through facebook and just started texting one day and voila…they are now dating.

And that’s exactly how it happened!

After the whole phone debacle we went to the choir concert hungry.  The oldest and I sat up close and the boys and their dad sat in back.  After the concert I got up to walk over to where my wasband was sitting, and I see my dad walking towards him as well.  I haven’t seen my dad since the middle of September.  This may not seem like a long time to some of you, but I used to see my dad weekly.  The panic feelings came back.  Tears threaten to come as well.  Then I acted all nonchalant about him being there.  I gave him a hug and then talked about random stuff.  I hope he knows how glad I was to see him.  I’m not sure that was conveyed by my actions.

Friday I was pulled out of class to help interview for the 5th grade math/science position at my school.  My current teaching partner is going back to his old job, because teachers don’t make enough money to support a family.  Pickings were slim as far as interviewees go.  We interviewed 6 people and finally made a decision about who we want.  She seems like she will be a perfect fit.  I am glad, because we only have a week until Christmas break!  The new teacher starts when we come back after the holidays.

During the afternoon on Friday my son kept texting me about his plans for the evening.  Keep in mind I don’t know who Madi is or what z a k s house is.

Son:  Ok this is a serious question madi                                                                 needs a place to stay tonight                                                                                   because me and her r going to z a                                                                                k s house and she lives really far                                                                                  away so she would have to leave                                                                                 really early and she rolls your way                                                                               so Yeah nothing will happen thank                                                                                u for understanding

Me:  What?

Son:  I knew you would see it my way.

Me:  I can’t even understand what you said.

At that point I was feeling like I needed a drink.

And now the weekend is done, and I have a week of test prep and testing to accomplish with a group of kids who are ready for the holiday break.  It’s going to be another crazy few days.