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Most days I take a few minutes to read the blogs of the people I have in my google reader.  Sometimes, due to time restraints, I only have time to skim the posts.  Other days I have to pick and choose who to read just because I am so limited on time.  On those days I always choose Lesbian Dichotomy as one of my quick reads.  The site has quotes and pictures that are encouraging and insightful.  Today was no exception.

I smiled when I saw this quote.  Much of my adult life I’ve struggled with Proverbs 31.  I’ve attended women’s Bible studies dealing with the Proverbs 31 woman, heard sermons on her in church, and read books about her greatness.  (If you’ve never heard of her, type Proverbs 31 woman into a search engine and it will give you a small clue how popular she is in Christian circles!) I was often frustrated with my failed attempts at emulating her.  It was impossible.  I honestly hadn’t thought much about her in the past few years.  I reread the whole chapter tonight.  I still think I would fail miserably at attempting to do all that she is said to have done.  After all I no longer have a husband, can’t spin flax or wool, don’t have servant girls to boss around, have no money to even consider purchasing a field, don’t make all my own bed linens, or much else this woman is known for.  But I can be the person described in verse 25.  I can even try to be the person in verses 26 and 27.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
²⁶ When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
²⁷ She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.

Thanks, Lesbian Dichotomy, for the reminder that while I might not be the person many people want me to be, I can stand with strength and dignity.  I can be kind.  I can make wise choices, and I can stand firm in my faith.

I’ve opened up a blogging page several times over the past few days, but I just never knew what to say. I was thankful for Louise who asked for the Marinated Cheese recipe because it was something easy to write. I didn’t have to think about it. Now I’m feeling blah and wondering if writing any of those days would have helped me avoid the blah feelings.

Sweet Tea has asked me if I’m ok several times. I am ok, but I want to be more than ok. I know there are times when survival is the name of the game, but I don’t like survival mode. I have always been more of a thriver than just a survivor. I get knocked down, but I rarely stay down. I get up almost immediately, have learned a lesson, and am happy.

I’ve been pondering why I feel blah. It might have something to do with the holidays. My family hasn’t invited me to any of the holiday events. Even though I wasn’t a full on participant last year my parents had me over separately from my sister. My brothers and their families all came. It was only my sister who was missing that day. It wasn’t on Christmas day or Christmas Eve, but it was still a holiday celebration with a meal and time for gift giving. This year I won’t be a part of any of that. So yeah, a little blah about that.

It could have to do with money being tighter than normal. That sort of thing doesn’t usually worry me too much, but this year seems crazier as far as oddball expenses go.

It could do with the fact that my wasband has said some things that frustrate me. I am not interested in living life the way everyone else wants me to live it so mostly I don’t worry about that. In his frustration with my decision he has been somewhat mean to me, which probably affects my mood despite the fact that I understand what’s going on.

Last week was a hard week on me emotionally for several reasons which I have no desire to blog about, but I’m sure it contributed to the blah feeling.

Then today at lunch I sat and listened to two coworkers discuss their 28 year marriages and how they refused to let them end in divorce. They weren’t being mean, but I did feel like somewhat of a failure in the marriage department. I have no desire to go back to where I was, but just listening to it all made me all blah.

I am thankful for Sweet Tea.  I spent the weekend with her.   During this season we are the only sure thing either of us has.  Neither of us has any place else to go.  I don’t mind.  While I would love to spend some time with my family over the holidays, with her is where I’d choose to be.

Every time I’ve made this appetizer people want the recipe.  I made it for Thanksgiving this year, and for the first time nobody asked for the recipe.  I wasn’t surprised since the Thanksgiving participants were me, Sweet Tea, her 16 year old daughter, her 18 year old daughter, and her wasband, Shemp.  Then I blogged about my Thanksgiving, and Louise read that I made marinated cheese.  All she had to do was read the words “marinated cheese” and she had to have the recipe.  I got it from a Southern Living at Home mini cookbook.  It takes a little time to prepare, but it is yummy.  While scouring the internet for a picture I came across the recipe and picture here.  I copied and pasted it to my blog for those who aren’t into clicking links.

8 ounces sharp cheddar cheese
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
1 teaspoon sugar
3/4 teaspoon dried basil
1 dash salt (to taste)
1 dash black pepper (to taste)
1/2 cup olive oil
1/2 cup white wine vinegar
1 (2 ounce) jar diced pimentos, drained
3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
3 tablespoons minced green onions
3 garlic cloves, pressed
Directions:

Cut cheddar cheese and cream cheese into 1/4 inch slices, then again in half.
Using a small dish, place cheese slices on end alternating cheddar and cream cheese.
Make the marinade by combining sugar, basil, salt, pepper, oil, vinegar, pimento, parsley, onion and garlic.
Pour marinade over cheese, cover and refrigerate overnight.
Serve with crackers.

Things are happening on the homefront.

My wasband just realized that Sweet Tea and I are sleeping together.  Literally.  The fact that she sleeps at my apartment when the kids are also spending the night is something he is not happy about.  He told me he didn’t want them to spend the night at my place if she was also going to be spending the night with me.  I had no idea that he didn’t know this until today.

Almost as soon as the kids knew about me and Sweet Tea she was spending the night.  Their dad went out of the country for a couple of weeks and we all stayed together almost every night.  That was 2 months ago.  How he didn’t know until today that we were sleeping together is beyond me.

Sweet Tea and I aren’t officially living together under one roof yet, but for all intents and purposes we are living together.  We have a house and an apartment between us.  We spend more time at the apartment because it’s closer to my kids’ dad.  It’s just easier to shuffle kids around from the apartment.  Soon though we will be living together.  We both have lease agreements to fulfill, but as soon as those contracts are up we are moving in together.  That is the plan.  I have no intentions of thwarting those plans just because someone is uncomfortable with the idea of the kids living under the same roof as lesbians.

I have thought long and hard about my wasband’s words today.  I am sorry that he doesn’t like it, but that doesn’t mean I am going to do things differently.  I love Sweet Tea.  She loves me.  I am not parading an endless line of women through the apartment.  I am not engaging in any sexual or indecent acts in front of the kids.  I wouldn’t do any of those things.  What I am doing is showing my kids that I am the same person I was before.  I am living my life in front of them.  I am loving and serving them as well as loving and serving Sweet Tea and her daughter.  I am making sure needs are met and that people are cared for.  That is who I am.  That is who I will be.

I will not be bullied into giving up Sweet Tea in order to make everyone else happy.  I will not give up my kids just to make sure my wasband, sister, or other family members are comfortable with the way they are being raised.  I don’t like confrontation, but I am not afraid to do it.  I don’t like fighting, but I will not be walked all over.  I AM stubborn.  Very stubborn.  And I will stand my ground.

When the kids are with my wasband he can tell them what to believe and what to think about me and who I am.  When they are with me, and they will be with me, I will allow them to decide what to believe and what to think.  I am not going to let them be disrespectful or unkind to others.  I will continue to love them and meet their needs.  And when they turn 18 they can make their own decisions about it all.

My hope and prayer is that my kids will always want me in their lives.  Based on what I’ve seen and what I know I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t.

Rainbow Ranch.

That was our weekend destination.  We arrived later than planned on Friday night ready to set up camp.  Neighbor campers came over to help us get set up in the dark.  We, in turn, helped others who arrived after us.  I loved the camaraderie of being around other gay people.  We shared drinks, stories, and life with a few strangers for 2 days.  It was nice.  On Saturday there was a chili cook-off, a hayride, and live music by Anton Shaw.  Despite the party I enjoyed the peacefulness of being in a place where nobody called me mom for a couple of days.

What I enjoyed the most though was being there with Sweet Tea.  I needed time away with her.  In fact I am somewhat emotional today at the thought of our weekend being over.  I didn’t get enough of just her.

Work, school, cooking, kids…it all starts back tomorrow.  I am not ready for the regularly scheduled program.  Not yet.  Sigh.

I can’t wait for Thanksgiving break.

My students have free time on the computers this afternoon. Usually I make sure they are on educational games, but after testing I decided to be nice and let them choose the games they played. Conversations overheard during free time…

Hey guys…party at my condo.

You see me walking over?

I can’t figure out where I am.

Who’s your DJ?

What do you press to talk to people?

Is that your bedroom?

Why is your name Onion?

What do you do with this?

I’m gonna get a Coca Cola.

I’m gonna get something out of the fridge.

Who is Snooki?

I said something.

For real?

I texted you something. You saw it?

Look, a fight!

I’m pretty sure I don’t need to let them do that again. I think we’ll stick with math and reading.

Have you guys visited Sweet Tea’s blog yet?  She’s doing a much better job of blogging these days than I am!  I stare at this spot willing the words to come and then, after a few minutes, move on to read blogs written by people who actually have something to say.  What is happening to me?  I used to blog daily.  This every other week thing is almost annoying.  It has much to do with being tired and busy all of the time.  When I stop life long enough to wrestle the computer away from the children I tend to take care of business before I open up my blog.  Then I fight to keep my eyes open long enough to actually write something.  Most days it’s a losing battle.  Like today.  So sleepy.  Sigh.

I might not have much to say, but I did want to share this video I found a couple of years ago.  Love it.