Midlife Natalie

Things are happening on the homefront.

My wasband just realized that Sweet Tea and I are sleeping together.  Literally.  The fact that she sleeps at my apartment when the kids are also spending the night is something he is not happy about.  He told me he didn’t want them to spend the night at my place if she was also going to be spending the night with me.  I had no idea that he didn’t know this until today.

Almost as soon as the kids knew about me and Sweet Tea she was spending the night.  Their dad went out of the country for a couple of weeks and we all stayed together almost every night.  That was 2 months ago.  How he didn’t know until today that we were sleeping together is beyond me.

Sweet Tea and I aren’t officially living together under one roof yet, but for all intents and purposes we are living together.  We have a house and an apartment between us.  We spend more time at the apartment because it’s closer to my kids’ dad.  It’s just easier to shuffle kids around from the apartment.  Soon though we will be living together.  We both have lease agreements to fulfill, but as soon as those contracts are up we are moving in together.  That is the plan.  I have no intentions of thwarting those plans just because someone is uncomfortable with the idea of the kids living under the same roof as lesbians.

I have thought long and hard about my wasband’s words today.  I am sorry that he doesn’t like it, but that doesn’t mean I am going to do things differently.  I love Sweet Tea.  She loves me.  I am not parading an endless line of women through the apartment.  I am not engaging in any sexual or indecent acts in front of the kids.  I wouldn’t do any of those things.  What I am doing is showing my kids that I am the same person I was before.  I am living my life in front of them.  I am loving and serving them as well as loving and serving Sweet Tea and her daughter.  I am making sure needs are met and that people are cared for.  That is who I am.  That is who I will be.

I will not be bullied into giving up Sweet Tea in order to make everyone else happy.  I will not give up my kids just to make sure my wasband, sister, or other family members are comfortable with the way they are being raised.  I don’t like confrontation, but I am not afraid to do it.  I don’t like fighting, but I will not be walked all over.  I AM stubborn.  Very stubborn.  And I will stand my ground.

When the kids are with my wasband he can tell them what to believe and what to think about me and who I am.  When they are with me, and they will be with me, I will allow them to decide what to believe and what to think.  I am not going to let them be disrespectful or unkind to others.  I will continue to love them and meet their needs.  And when they turn 18 they can make their own decisions about it all.

My hope and prayer is that my kids will always want me in their lives.  Based on what I’ve seen and what I know I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t.

Rainbow Ranch.

That was our weekend destination.  We arrived later than planned on Friday night ready to set up camp.  Neighbor campers came over to help us get set up in the dark.  We, in turn, helped others who arrived after us.  I loved the camaraderie of being around other gay people.  We shared drinks, stories, and life with a few strangers for 2 days.  It was nice.  On Saturday there was a chili cook-off, a hayride, and live music by Anton Shaw.  Despite the party I enjoyed the peacefulness of being in a place where nobody called me mom for a couple of days.

What I enjoyed the most though was being there with Sweet Tea.  I needed time away with her.  In fact I am somewhat emotional today at the thought of our weekend being over.  I didn’t get enough of just her.

Work, school, cooking, kids…it all starts back tomorrow.  I am not ready for the regularly scheduled program.  Not yet.  Sigh.

I can’t wait for Thanksgiving break.

My students have free time on the computers this afternoon. Usually I make sure they are on educational games, but after testing I decided to be nice and let them choose the games they played. Conversations overheard during free time…

Hey guys…party at my condo.

You see me walking over?

I can’t figure out where I am.

Who’s your DJ?

What do you press to talk to people?

Is that your bedroom?

Why is your name Onion?

What do you do with this?

I’m gonna get a Coca Cola.

I’m gonna get something out of the fridge.

Who is Snooki?

I said something.

For real?

I texted you something. You saw it?

Look, a fight!

I’m pretty sure I don’t need to let them do that again. I think we’ll stick with math and reading.

Have you guys visited Sweet Tea’s blog yet?  She’s doing a much better job of blogging these days than I am!  I stare at this spot willing the words to come and then, after a few minutes, move on to read blogs written by people who actually have something to say.  What is happening to me?  I used to blog daily.  This every other week thing is almost annoying.  It has much to do with being tired and busy all of the time.  When I stop life long enough to wrestle the computer away from the children I tend to take care of business before I open up my blog.  Then I fight to keep my eyes open long enough to actually write something.  Most days it’s a losing battle.  Like today.  So sleepy.  Sigh.

I might not have much to say, but I did want to share this video I found a couple of years ago.  Love it.

Blogging has been a life saver for me.  It helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life.  I know I could have gone to counselors or therapists to talk through my problems, but I never felt like it was necessary.  I was pretty self-aware and had no problem telling myself the truth.  I could sort through feelings and come out on the other side having made progress.  Sometimes it was a longer process, but I always felt peace about where I was and what God was doing in my life.  And blogging was a big part of that.  Writing it down, being able to look at it all in written form, and having people respond was therapeutic for me.  It worked.  I’m better than I was.

After all my ramblings about how wonderful blogging is, Sweet Tea decided to attempt the whole blogging thing.  She isn’t doing it for therapeutic reasons.  She isn’t doing it because she needs to sort through things.  She doesn’t feel the need to write.  Her reason for blogging?  The Bloggess.

One day I was reading something the Bloggess had written and laughed out loud.  I shared the story with Sweet Tea and then proceeded to tell her about some of the most colorful characters in the Bloggess compound.  James Garfield, Copernicus, Beyonce, Victor…and really…the list is endless.  And now…well now, Sweet Tea is in love.  Not “in love” in love but excited that she’s found someone with as twisted a sense of humor as herself.  She also has this crazy empathy for Victor for some strange reason.  She started reading the Bloggess on her own and she felt a little like a stalker since she doesn’t have a blog.  I told her not to worry about it because the Bloggess is used to crazy cyber stalkers, but she decided there just might be something to this whole blogging thing.

So without further ado…I present you with a TX bridgefarmer.

Sidenote – I do have a small issue though.  On her blog Sweet Tea decided to give me a nickname.  Her reason?  I had given her a nickname on my blog and so I should have one on hers.  The name she chose…Jenny.  I gave her an incredulous look when she told me.  Why Jenny?  Because she had never dated a Jenny.  Nevermind that she had never dated a Natalie and that my name is all over my own blog.  I asked her if she realized that the Bloggess’ name was Jenny.  She didn’t.  But that made it even more amusing to her.  It had to be a subconscious thing.

And just because I enjoy taunting Sweet Tea…

“The Bloggess” Jenny and Natalie “Jenny”

The first part of this post was written several years ago, but I wanted to share it again.  And add an update.

I know, I know…it’s not October 27. I just wanted to share with you what October 27th means to me. It’s not my birthday. It’s not one of my kids’ birthdays. It isn’t a day filled with big celebrations. I don’t even remember my first October 27th, but the first one is what makes the day significant. I actually don’t remember any of the October 27ths before I was an adult. I’m sure they were mentioned, but I guess I didn’t see the significance in them at the time. What is so important about October 27th? It was the day my parents got the call that they could come and pick me up from the adoption agency. That’s right…I am adopted. My mom got the call in the morning and then she called my dad at work. They picked me up later that day. October 27 was my first day as Natalie Frances Owen. My first day of life was August 4th so by October 27th I wasn’t a newborn anymore. The adoption agency/baby home where I lived for my first 2 months and 23 days of life called me Anna. That name was chosen by my birth mother. She was 17 and unmarried. She chose to have me at a christian center and give me up for adoption. I am so thankful she made that choice. Abortion was illegal at the time so my odds for being born were pretty good. Every year my dad calls me on October 27 to tell me how much he loves me. The conversation is the same every year.
Dad: Do you know what today is?
Me: Yes, I thought about it earlier…or…Oh, yeah. I hadn’t realized it was today.
Dad: (a few years ago) 38 years ago today we brought you home.
Me: I know. I’m getting old!
Dad: Well, think about how old I am.
And then he tells me about how he and Mom talked about me at breakfast. It’s so sweet.

Update.

This year my dad didn’t call.  I wondered if it would be the day he would finally initiate contact with me.  I haven’t gotten a call from him in well over a month so I didn’t really have my hopes up. If you’ve read here lately you know I’d decided to text him once a week just to let him know I was thinking about him.  I first texted on October 5 and got no response.  I texted again on the 12th and he responded with the words, “We all love you, too.”  I texted on October 20 with no response.  Then it was the 27th.  I didn’t know what to do.  It was my adoption day.  Would he be able to say anything to me?

I had dreaded this day, because I knew it would probably make me sad.  At school, I avoided changing the date from October 26th to the 27th.  I kept the kids busy and nobody noticed that I never changed it.  When the school day was over I walked over, erased the 26, and wrote in 28.  The entire day I managed to push any feelings aside and concentrate on doing my job.  On the drive home I briefly thought about it, but I listened to music to push the thoughts away.  Once home I avoided the thoughts altogether, until Sweet Tea and I started talking.  We were discussing something else entirely.  It wasn’t a pleasant topic for either of us, but it was something that needed to be dealt with.  Then the tears came. And once the floodgates opened I couldn’t stop them.  I had no control.  Thankfully Sweet Tea was discerning enough to realize that the tears had to do with much more than our conversation.  I had shared with her the week before that my adoption day was coming up.  I hadn’t mentioned it again though.  When I was finally able to tell her why I was crying she just held me and let me cry.  Long before the tears were spent I decided that if my dad couldn’t text me I could still, at least, text him.  I sent him a message telling him that I was so thankful that they were my parents.  That I had truly been blessed when I had been given to them.  That was it.  It was 9:47pm, and I was going to be okay.  I had done what I needed to do.  I recognized the day.   Nineteen minutes later my dad responded saying, “You have been a blessing to us.  Even through our pain we love you.”

And so goes the first of the major days in my life since the discovery of the girlfriend.  Thanksgiving is next month.  And then Christmas.  I’m sure those will be hard as well, but everyone, everywhere will be celebrating them.  I know I’ll feel the absence of my parents, but the kids will be around, Sweet Tea will be here, and it will still be festive.  The adoption day belonged to just me and my parents.  It won’t be the same without them.

Do not expect people to love you. Love them first. ~ Peter Dunov

I really like that.  A friend once talked to me about my need to feel loved.  She was trying to tell me that if I sought love and satisfaction from people I would always be disappointed.  That I should seek God and only then would I truly feel loved.  What she didn’t really know was that I was struggling with my sexuality.  I felt loved.  That was never the issue.  I knew God loved me.  I knew that my wasband loved me.  My children loved me.  My family and friends loved me.  It wasn’t a lack of love.  Not even close.  It was more about accepting who I was.  I even loved my flawed self.  I wasn’t ever a suicidal wreck over who I was.  I just couldn’t accept the idea that I was gay.  I wasn’t disappointed in the way I felt.  I just knew I wasn’t allowed to feel that way.  I had to fix it.  When I couldn’t fix it I begged God to fix it, because I wasn’t supposed to feel that way.  I finally got tired of fighting the feelings.  It wasn’t hard to accept who I was when I gave up fighting them.

I still feel loved.  I have people in my life who have shown love to me over and over.  My family, my children, Sweet Tea, and a few other friends who have shown love to me even after coming out.  I am so thankful for them.

Just like being sunshine in people’s lives I want to love others well.  I want them to know without a doubt that I love them with no expectations for love in return.  When I give to others, whether that be love or time or something else, I always walk away feeling better.